Living and Dying All In The Same Breath...

...was too sloshy and slow to get to class to work out... I could have made it actually, but the thought of jumping around didn't make me happy. Tequila doesn't make me sick, at least. Definitely a plus. 100% Agave is the trick.

So, I went up to Yonkers later because there was a Karate Parent Association meeting, for which my presence is apparently required. Why, I don't know, since it's always entirely in Spanish and I rarely know what the hell anybody is talking about. But they want me there, the brothers. So I'm there. And it's a good thing I don't understand Spanish, too, other than a few words cuz there's a parent or two that continually bitch about the dumbest shit, and when the president translates for me I feel my blood pressure rise almost instantly. Why do people aggravate me so? TomCat had said to me yesterday that he was beginning to dislike people again, and I said "again?, shit. I never like people."

Which is what's hard for me about TomCat, cuz I can actually tolerate him but whatever. I haven't cut him off inside yet, though that could be coming, but have merely backed up to give me room to think. To give both of us a chance to think.

Shoefly was like "well you knew it was coming and what he's like" and yeah I do... but I also know there are two very distinct sides to his personality, and the "other" was out yesterday. The one I knew before I really knew him. It was kinda funny to see it again.... since I've come to really know and like the other one. But we'll see. I said from the very beginning that this one was definitely different; and so I'm trying not to react to things in the same way. You never know with people... people walk with a lot of shit and it's always interesting to see what situations bring out what baggage and how they choose to deal with it. I know that being around him has forced me to look at things in myself a lot differently... even more differently than I began to look at things when I was dealing with Nene.

And two weeks... things were interesting before Vegas but Vegas put a whole new spin on things... and I feel like I've lived a whole life in two weeks. I've definitely changed. And I'm sad... but maybe I'm only sad because in living a whole other life I'm dying a death, too. The Sun will be home at midnight, but life won't go back to the "normal" it was before Vegas.

The Sun will have changed in these two weeks... and I've changed. It'll be a new life for me and the Sun, and one in which I've no idea what comes next. And I've no walls or gates to protect me anymore and while I know the Fat Lady thinks this is a good thing, I don't really think it is. Now I've no protection at all... from anything. Least of all myself. How can that be good?

In an interesting development, though, Fluffernutter has resurfaced. I don't think I blogged about Fluffernuter... he was done and gone before I started blogging. But I'd met him while at Pratt, and had a crazy crush on him for a minute. But he was busy breaking up with one girl, and then getting together with a new girl, and at the time I thought he was too young for me. But he's older than Nene, ha ha, so now he seems old to me. Pretty funny. Anyway, apparently the girl left him, and he seemed really sad about that... much sadder than he was about the previous girl. I felt bad for him. The irony of him resurfacing now made me chuckle, though... but... so much has happened and I'm such a different person now. And while I'm hesitant to make any declarations about the TomCat for very obvious reasons... hell I gave Nene a year at least. I don't think I can afford a year with TomCat for dignity's sake, but two months is definitely too soon to give up, given the level of intensity.

So I'm ruminating on all this as I wait in the Professor's house, waiting for my Sun to come home. A little fearful... will he still want me? How hard will it be for him to transition back to our ordinary little life? Or maybe I've changed so much in the past two weeks that life won't be the same kind of ordinary. He's done so much in LA... an Angels game, the X-Games, Toyota Speedway, Universal Studios, Chuck E. Cheese, golfing, swimming in the pool, at the beach. I'm a little insecure. About a lot of things. A little raw, about a lot of things. But....

I'm a survivor and I'll figure it out somehow...

I'll post as soon as I can about the Sun's arrival... I haven't been able to post cellphone pictures to this blog for some reason, but as soon as I can I'll let you all know...

Comments

professor said…
I understand about protection...for many years my protection was my weight...now I don't need that protection but I can't get rid of the weight...
can you imagine a lifetime of that running around? it's fun for the two weeks, not forever...plus, you cant take the boy away from his mama...
also, itsn't it ironic that fluffernutter drove his womans fancy car in the way tomcat does...ummm...and that didn't work...seems underneath they have a lot in common...ummm...lets think...
Jacqueline said…
I, too, understand about protection. I, too, don't like people. Been hurt too many times; critcized too many times; misunderstood too many times. My protection is my weight, too, professor. I lost weight and now I've gained back 15 lbs and feel horrible. I can't seem to stop the hand to mouth thing.... but back to the bearmaiden: I understand and am here for you, even if I'm 900 miles away. I hear your heart.
Fat Lady said…
Walls and gates don't protect you - they isolate you.

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