Saturday, August 9, 2008

Can You Hear Me, Major Tom?

I have this "thing"... can't recall if I've ever written about it here... this "thing" where I can detect people in mental distress. I never really knew I had it until the Sun came along. But after his birth, it got very strong.

I find myself drawn to folk who are in some form of quandary, or pivotal moment in their lives. It used to be that I would be completely consumed by them, thinking it love or friendship... and they would heal from me. But then they'd move on leaving me behind, and wondering. Sometimes, if I'm really close to someone, I can feel their agitation as if it's my own. And sometimes, if someone is severely distressed, like having a breakdown or a serious mental episode, I get the oddest sensation that starts at the back of my neck and travels up and over my neck and head like a hood. Usually it's men I've become close to, but occasionally there are women.

One was my ex-best friend. It was so intense between us (she was in an abusive relationship, and at the time I was single, before SD) that I could feel when she was having a really bad day. For her part, she was a little psychic. When I got pregnant and had cravings for orange juice, she would call me up to check if what she was feeling was my craving or hers. Usually, it was mine. Another friend was the Candlelady. Boy did she have issues... MAJOR issues. But I loved her deeply and helped her build a business until one day she just really flipped out and left. I was devastated. I couldn't understand why a "friend" would just up and leave, like that. But over time I came to see that what was there was my sensitivity to her turmoil (and XBF's as well) and not a true love or friendship. Cuz in true love or friendship, people give back.

There's more to it than what I'm telling, actually, and other examples, and a whole long story of how one day I realized "OH!!! I need to stay away from that person or they'll suck me in" but the point of this ramble is that I have wondered recently if all there really is to TomCat and me is the mental distress thing. Cuz apparently, at the moment he seems to have turmoil... and I don't post other people's turmoil, only my own, so I won't go into it. And the reality is that I haven't known him closely for too long... so I don't know how he is under this kind of pressure. And it also dawned on me a few nights ago, that there was stuff I could "see" about him... and then I realized I should probably tell him in case all there is the mental distress thing. Cuz this way, he could take what it was he needed to be told, and if it's only the mental distress thing maybe I could free myself. But if it's more than that, I'd know.

Well, I still don't know. And I feel like my little tin can is approaching Earth's atmosphere at an alarming rate, and is going to be incinerated/blown to bits at any moment.

This one felt different; this one gave foot massages. This one really did make a dream come true. I hope it's not that mental distress thing again...

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