...pow wow's are. If you're ever feeling really badly about life, you should go to a pow wow. There's something about being connected to the earth, about being connected to all these people who may or may not look like you or each other but knowing there is a common reason for being there...
And there is nothing like standing next to a drum circle. Watching the circle of men (usually) hit that huge drum in unison, the beat close to your own heart beat... a slow, steady beat that crescendos and falls.... feeling the singing.
I stood next to Mystic River, the house drum circle at Foxwoods, as they sang the Native American Flag song... a song dedicated to fallen warriors. It brought tears to my eyes. Several of them have small children, and this years baby sat on his father's lap, bright eyes fascinated. When they stopped playing he cried....
I have pictures, but I'm using the hotel's free wireless which is only available in the lobby... and I forgot my laptop doesn't have a slot that fits my flash card so I have to upload pictures to the laptop later directly from the camera. So pictures tomorrow.
The Sun and I rode up to the Pow Wow (a two and a half hour drive) with Mima and her granddaughter who I'll call Butterfly, cuz she reminds me of one. She's 11 and aspires to be a pow wow dancer, and has danced Intertribal dances (where non-affiliated dancers can participate) at several local pow wows. But this is her first year at Schemitzun, and she was completely overcome. She kept saying when we got here "look at all the dancers!" and I told her "Hon... this is empty. Wait until tomorrow or Saturday... there are SO many people here!"
On the way up, I got to talk to Mima... my big sister my friend... about how I've been feeling. And unlike other non-sympathetic members of my family (who love me, but barrel their way through life rather than sidestep things), Mima was able to help me put things in perspective and I felt much better talking to her than I have in days.
Cuz it's weird. I feel like somebody died. And perhaps it's merely me channeling other people's feelings... but at the same time there is decidedly something missing. And not missing just because it's gone... but missing in the way of "You can't miss what you can't measure". Then one day, you can measure it, and realize what it is you're missing.
One of the overwhelming feelings this past few weeks is complete bewilderment. See, I know I'm crazy. Generally, I'm OK with being crazy because generally I surround myself with people who are accepting of me. In blogging about The Voices over the last year I have come into complete acceptance of them. I'm OK with them. And I know that not everyone is going to be able to understand that. So the ones that do, I appreciate. And the ones that can actually quiet them? Well... like I've told the Fat Lady... she's not allowed to be cellphone-less. Because if the voices are screaming at me I NEED to be able to talk to her because I know she can calm them. Now she's got text messaging which is a wonderful thing for me.
But then I was around someone who actually made them go away. And I realized how very much I need that in my life.
And on top of all that there was a feeling of being complete... and that is another feeling I haven't had in a really really long time. And to have it yanked back really threw me for a loop, and made me wonder if maybe I was just losing my judgment on top of everything else... losing my ability to feel a person out. I KNOW what I felt... how could I have been that wrong?
But then the other day I did one of those stupid "compatibility tests" based on your birthdates, and the results were pretty interesting. Usually I do those things and I try to squeeze in whoever I'm interested in into the good segments to prove to myself that this person would be a good match. But this time, it was eerie... And it's silly... but it gave me a sense of peace because I know what I felt. It was different.
And I realized it may not matter if the person who gave me the that feeling is the person I'll be with for a while.... what matters is that I found what it was I needed. And once you can identify a need, it's MUCH easier to fill it, rather than wandering around aimlessly looking for something you don't really know... It's like going into a store and knowing you need something... but can't remember what the hell it is. So you end up wasting time and money and walk out of the store not knowing what you're missing and get home and go to do the dishes and realize "SHIT!!!! DISH DETERGENT!" Life is much better and the wallet is much safer when you KNOW you're going into the store specifically for dish detergent, and that's what you walk out with.
So at least I know that I need dish detergent. And I'm gonna find it, dammit.
I've already spent more money that I should have... I bought a really cool embroidered shirt and a lot of food, and the the Professor and I wandered the casino and I lost $20 right quick. The slots up here are stingy, compared to the ones in Vegas.
And I love being here at Foxwoods... but it ain't Vegas. Which helped me sort of make up my mind that when I have to fly the Sun out to see his father at Christmas (argh, but I'll bitch about that later) I'm gonna hop on that bus and go hang out with Aunt LV in Vegas. I should probably tell her... but yeah I am... cuz for one thing I can reclaim Vegas on my own terms and won't forever be haunted by memories...
So I guess I am better now. Being here at Schemitzun helps tons. And if any of you all know me in real life, you really ought to get your ass in a car and come up here, and give me a call when you do... Mowgli's sister is here with MoodMagicBarbie and two other friends (the Sun is in pre-pubescent heaven.... lots of beautiful girls walking around in the their jammies and dancing and forgetting that there's a little boy there with big eyes) and tomorrow her family is going to drive up here for the day.
...and I need to go to bed, now....