" Every other day, every other day,
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
You can find me cryin' all of the time"
-The Mamas & The Papas
It's funny that I should know that song.
Monday's suck. Especially when you're somewhere you don't want to be. It's a nice day out so far, not too cold but bright and sunny with a little breeze. I'd rather be anywhere than here.
I was pondering "issues" this morning, on the way in, mainly cuz I've been pondering my own, and because I am cursed with the ability to sense other people's. It's funny (but it's not, really) when I get too close to someone's issue, and they don't want me there. And as always, it only happens with people I give a shit about. In my mind's eye I can see the core of it glowing white hot, and when I touch it, white electric bolts go off, or white fire. In the past I would press it, to try to show the person how I could see what they couldn't see. It would be so clear to me that I would not believe no one else saw it. Sis has the ability as well, which is why she does what she does. She had said to me jokingly once "maybe you should be a therapist" and I joked back that I don't care as much as she does to help. But that's not true. I care a lot. But the difference between sis and I is that she is able to keep that blinding white light away from her, while I, like the proverbial moth to a flame, get consumed by it. I carry it like my own, and lose sleep over it and hurt over it. Sis says that her ability to disassociate herself is why she finds it hard to write the stories of her day-to-day, because she walks completely away from it at the end of the day. Me, I could ruminate for hours. Obsess for weeks.
Over the weekend I spoke with someone whose issues I see plainly. I asked what was wrong (already knowing) and was told they didn't want to talk about it. I was proud of myself that I let it go, as much as it killed me to do so. I wish that I could heal it, take it away, particularly since it affects what I want out of life, but I can't. I've at least learned that much. I can see, when I'm honest with myself, that the healing is a good four or five years away from where we are now, and I don't think I can wait that long. As I've said before, I'm not a patient person.
I remember when it was me, when I was the one protecting that core. There was this woman I met online in a group who would pursue me. She never let me go unchecked. Four or five years ago, I resented the hell out of her, and almost resigned from the group because I felt she was singling me out. Four or five years later, I actually had to let her know that she had been right, that she saw what I couldn't see and that I owed her an apology. Another friend, one who had similar abilities (and actually stronger ones) tried to tell me over and over what she saw, and I refused to listen. We're no longer friends, (though I don't think it's because I didn't listen--she had major issues of her own) and I sometimes wonder if I should tell her anyway that she was right and I'm sorry.
Being in Family Court, ironically enough, has made me face issues head on... some of which have nothing to do with court. But in trying to "protect the core", that white-hot light attracted a lot of attention, and it was the very thing that sent the court-appointed folks out to sniff it out. So I have been forced to let certain issues go, because the more I held on to protect it, the more they tried to get to it. Some were better at going for the core than others... the ones who have worked in the system for a long time. So I learned how to hide in plain sight. I'm thinking of all this now as a visit from IFKALP approaches, and a trial in July; that I have to "let go". The religious people say "Let Go and Let God" which of course gets all the non-religious people bristling, but it's something I've started to repeat to myself.
Flow like water.
Get through today.
In the shower this morning it occurred to me that each and every human has some sort of a core, glowing white hot. It defines everything we do, everything we are. I wonder if human beings are ever able to get to a state where we don't have any issues, but I can't see how that's possible. Sis and I joke about being "one with your issues" and I joke that I am, but I think that on most days I'm merely accepting of them. On stupendous days I'm "one" with them. On bad days, well... they've gotten the best of me, although temporarily. I watched The Sopranos yesterday, and was amused that dealing with issues--or not--was running through the core of the show. AJ tried, halfheartedly, to kill himself. And Tony found him, and for the first time you saw him crying, holding his son and calling him "baby", yet a few hours later he went out and broke someone's teeth. Talk about issues getting the best of you...
I had sort of a half-hearted invitation to play hooky tomorrow from this place, and I so can't. Not without jeopardizing my job. And no, I don't care about this place, but I do care about my ability to pay those frickin student loans, and so I can't. Which sucks. Well, I guess if the invite was genuine, there will be another one, right?