Monday, August 4, 2008

Blah

is the mood du jour. Although having my Sun back is a wonderful thing. I can never function when he's away... like the Bill Wither's song says "Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone." All my desire to do anything completely disappears. I know a lot of it is PTSD... being so very worried when he wasn't with me, because I couldn't communicate with his dad and wasn't sure what his father would do I couldn't breathe. This last visit was definitely easier. It helped knowing that if contacted TF he'd answer, it helped knowing that because TF was easier the Sun felt comfortable answering his phone and or calling me. It helped being able to "see" him via webcam. So while I still had the old sensation of holding my breath, and feeling incapacited, it wasn't as bad as it's been. And Vegas helped, and of course TomCat helped.

I think that no matter what, I will try to be the one to take the Sun out to see his dad, especially in the summers, and then hop on a bus and go to Vegas and go see Aunt LV. Vegas rocked... although there will be memories....

Now that the Sun is back I have some energy back. I have to give props to my little big sister... when we were kids she was the biggest damn slob you ever did see, and when we were teens and lived together next door from the parents, her room was awful. And the bathroom we shared would drive me to insanity, and we had fistfights over it, even. I was anally neat... no one even dared enter my room.

Now, it's quite the opposite, but I know that my apartment reflects my inner turmoil, my feeling of being overwhelmed. I function pretty well, but there's so much I don't get to pay attention to, and a lot of times that includes the apartment. The living room was looking really bad... and it had been my intention this summer to clean it up. Well, all that went to hell in anticipation of The Trip, and I allowed things to distract me. But it's funny... soon as the Sun came home I had the energy. I started by deforesting my plant corner. I was really trying to kill them all, and managed to kill a few, but the ones that held on--I figured they deserved another chance, right? So I repotted the straggly rubber tree and cut down the ginormous frondy stalk-thing I don't know the name of, and it looks a little better.

And I'm cleaning up my desk.

But I'm feeling "some kinda way" and I hate being "here", in this mindframe. The TomCat is away, and it was something I knew about as soon as we started talking about Vegas. So I'm not upset about that part... I'm upset that it bothers me when it so didn't bother me in the beginning. I did kinda bogart my way into his life, although to be fair to myself I told him upfront I was all-or-nothing. And even though he's not all or nothing he certainly bogarted his way into mine. About the last thing I said to him Friday, when I was out, and he was texting as he was leaving was that I told him all along I wouldn't be able to do the sharing thing for long. I told him I wasn't going to go chasing him while he's out TomCatting cuz that's so not my style, so other than a "poke" or two I haven't heard from him. But boy do I miss him.

But there's absolutely nothing I can do about anything, but wait and see how it turns out... and continue to live my life and clean my nasty apartment and do some work... so that's what I'm gonna do.

But you, yeah you I'm talking to you... if you read this yes I miss you. So there.

The Sun is still on Cali-time, and at 11A he's still sleeping. But I'm gonna get him up soon and figure out the rest of the day...

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