Friday, August 1, 2008

Running

Seriously, I know folks mean well but they need to stop telling me to take it easy. There's a lot in life I can handle, a lot I can roll with. There's an awful lot of shit I've endured and will endure, and there's stuff I can tolerate.

But there's stuff I can't. I know my limits. I know what I'm not capable of.

And so right now I'm running. Watch my white-tailed-ass leap over tall grass in a single bound.

I was hoping I could ride it out a little longer, was trying not to freak out so soon. Was trying to have more faith and believe more. Really, I can do that, given the right set of circumstances. "Relaxing and having fun" when it comes to men and sex, however, is just not something I am capable of. If that means that that I'm doomed to be alone, then fuck it. Cuz I can't afford to hang my ass out to be played with.

I'm not even going to go into specifics other than what I posted yesterday, and truthfully it really wasn't much. Just feelings, just my gut alarms going off.

I hung out with the Fat Lady and OneHalf and her kids today; riding around, going to Trader Joe's and Pathmark and Target... mundane, ordinary shit that made me feel good and normal. I love my friends because they are calm, and they don't push me when they see I'm quiet. And it's not like I didn't hear from TomCat cuz I did.... but my gut is in knots and I have my reasons. So I went to karate. And then afterwards I hung out with Big Sensei and his wife and her sister and a coupla other people they knew and I didn't... at a Spanish bar under the #6 train tracks in the Bronx. I ate tostones and chicharrones de pollo and lots of garlic sauce and two shots of tequila, and I sang two karaoke songs and for a minute I felt OK.

BigSensei and Son drove me home afterwards, and now I don't feel OK.

Vegas was a beautiful, beautiful dream but I guess it's time to wake the fuck up.

5 comments:

DrDonna said...

Agreed, you're not in a position to be able to relax, but step back, regroup, and see what happens, don't immediately write the whole thing off just yet.
Yellow alert, rather than code red.
DrDonna

Ros said...

"White-tailed ass" . . . . ROFLMAO. Do what works for you today. If something different works for you tomorrow, then do that. Repeat as necessary.
Lots of margaritas being consumed here, wish you could come hang with all the sistas pounding them back!

Jacqueline said...

I agree with drdonna. Gut feelings are good to have and good to follow. I like her yellow alert analogy. My unsolicited advice is to step back, stay on yellow alert, watch and observe, and let the chips fall where they may.

BearMaiden, (((((((((hugs)))))))) I truly want the best for you. You truly deserve it.

An another note entirely, I have been counting the days [with you] for theSun to return! Please post when he does return!!!

Fat Lady said...

Well, I said this to you the other day - but clearly I have my exhibitionist tendencies too, cause I love to post stuff I've already said to you - you have to do what feels right to you.

I don't think you should ever ignore what you feel in your gut (have I ever mentioned that I hate that word).

On the other hand, I think that you're dealing with some old habits - on both sides - and old habits try to dig their claws in and hang on even when someone really wants to shake them off.

So, take a step back. Trust your instincts and yourself. Be true to yourself. But leave the door open.

And know, that just because you leave the door open doesn't mean that you can't have some conditions of entry. "Shirt and Shoes required," or "These premises are only for Tenants and their guest."

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

u need to try and relax a little at least