Wednesday, February 13, 2008

StopNGo...

is how I would describe myself and Nene.

I think the basic problem is that I know dudes can hang out with a chick FOR YEARS, fulfilling sexual and intellectual needs, never really loving her. Then one day, BAM, some chick comes along and knocks his socks off, and off he'll go. Now, some women are capable of the same behaviour (and I've a friend in particular that I suspect is doing this... and you know who you are, dear) but generally, if we spend any great amount of time or energy--sexual or otherwise--with a man, its because we love him.

So basically I don't trust Nene, as enamoured of him as I am (and I'm very enamoured... I freely admit it). But I know that's my own hang up.

(Oh hey... maybe I should have entitled this "Why I Think Men My Age Are Full Of Shit" because I'm about to say what I'd say to my MySpace friend, who asked the question why I thought men my age were full of shit.)

Generally, I think most people suck. Generally, I think most people are full of shit, both men and women. Including me, I'll be honest. I do tend to like women better because as women age we begin to look at life like the bowl of spaghetti that it really is, and we begin to follow the strands and try to sort things out. Most of us. But men... the older they get, the more compartmentalized they get. If they are not "growing up" and "growing into life" with a woman, experiencing the yin-yang of her as she sorts through the strands of life, they get more rigid in their thinking, more boxed in (and they do that anyway, even WITH a woman/life companion). So while they may CLAIM they're looking for a "good woman" to be with, and they may claim they want to be in a relationship, they're not really. Because their thinking gets more boxed in. The idea of the woman they think they need to have a lasting relationship with gets to be more and more unreasonable, more fictional, more unattainable... she has to "be" whatever it is they've decided she has to be... and they won't accept any substitutes. I had an inkling of this thought when I read a post by All-Mi-T. It started out being a very moving and touching essay on the fact that he had a penchant for commitment. And I was touched. But in a few days, when people started commenting that since he'd put it out there in the cosmic soup, that he would find what he was looking for, he kind of backpeddled to say well, he wasn't really looking for it just yet. Not in reality... just in theory.

This kind of pissed me off the more I thought about it, because you know, here I am, waiting on line for "my turn" at the counter, to put in my order for the man and the relationship I want. And he's ahead of me on line. And I've been waiting a long, long time. And he gets to the counter, picks through everything, all the available relationships and then says "Nah. I'm not really buying today. I'm just looking to see what's there." Well, beeatch, get off the damn line! You've wasted my time! Took the Universes/shopkeeper's attention away from a customer who really wants to buy! GET THE HELL OUT OF THE STORE! (One love, All-Mi-T, and no disrespect.)

Single chicks can dillydally on the "line" like this, too... but the difference between men and women is that women are acutely aware of time passing. Every 28 days, we are 28 days closer to the day when we can no longer bear children. We know our bodies will change, our skin will feel differently, our boobs will sag. We feel our bodies change. We get hot flashes. We wonder about fertility. Men don't have that same worry... unless something specific happens like prostate or testicular cancer, men can feasibly have babies until the day they die. So time doesn't tick away with the same urgency that it does for us. They can continue to carry their lofty fantasy of the perfect woman to have the perfect relationship with, the one they'll marry and/or have children with, because they know that time won't ever run out for them.

And in the meantime, hell this chick I'm with now, she cooks good... I'll hang with her. She's easy to talk to... I'll hang with her. The sex is good... I'll hang with her. Till the Real Thing Comes Along.

So they tell you they want to settle down but Oh! not with you. I don't think you're The One.

Fuckers. And that's why I think men my age who are single, are full of shit.

Younger men aren't QUITE that rigid in their thinking yet, aren't quite that boxed in... but the little waffle dents and ridges are definitely forming and crisping over.

I realized this the other day, with Nene. Hanging out with him was fun... at one point I looked over at him and I realized he was enjoying himself, and that he realized it, too. And I think I handled the whole babymama thing quite well... better than he did, and I think that upped my "cred" with him. Cuz at one point he got REALLY flustered and though he covered it well, I laughed to myself cuz I knew he was stressed. So, you'd think that that would have escalated things but NOPE! Came to a complete standstill.

To be fair, part of the reason it did come to a standstill, though, was because my FRIGGIN DivaBitch Niece got dumped in my house that night, with TinyOne. And the next night, too. But the next night, she got her mama to take TinyOne to babydaddy's house, so she could get some work done (she's applying to FIT, and needs to put together a portfolio). But, being 21, she goes out on a date with The Slug. "I'll be back" she said. "WHEN?" I said. "I don't know, but I'll call you when I'm close."

And then the bitch didn't call until 4AM! And didn't get home till about 4:30A (having taken a cab since the buses had long ago stopped running). With a fresh tongue-piercing. I was TIGHT! I coulda had some company, dammit. Love her, but my life is stop-and-go as it is... and she's cramping what little action I got going, and she's got to go. You hear that Professor? Get that bitch someplace to live cuz she's got to go. As much as I love her and the TinyOne (who is really, really cute and quite cuddly).

But anyway. I was saying that Nene isn't QUITE that boxed-in in his thinking yet. And he does like older women, cuz the part I may have neglected to tell you all about is that babymama is closer to my age than she is to his age. She snatched him right out of High School, poor thing, and she was already in her 30's, or somewhere close to it. But I still have a suspicion that he's only hanging out till the Real Thing comes along...

12 comments:

Ros said...

I know you have too much respect for karma & stuff coming back on you, but doesn't it make you just want to pop a cap in somebody just to relieve the tension?

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

what i meant was that yes i want it, but i was tought and belive it will come on its own and i dont have to search, go out. Yes i do want it, and i wasnt back peddling, i just figure when u look for something, it never hapens, and that one must be patient if they want it to come. I think thats one thingv wrong with the world. Folks want everything now, and i can wait, for i belive great things come to thoes who wait. Hope this dont piss u off sister.....great post, i hope u understand what i mean

professor said...

so you wait and wait and wait...and then you die and you end up with nothing...I say go for what you want and if it doesn't work out oh well (screw it as MMB said)...
it's like saving that new outfit for the perfect occasion that never comes...then one day you pull it out of the closet and the shit doesn't fit cause you gained fifty pounds...what was the point...
there is no perfection...you will never find the "one" who will satisfy all you're looking for and MOST IMPORTANTLY MEN the grass is NOT greener on the other!

The Bear Maiden said...

Ros, you crack me up. No, personally, I prefer to relieve tension in other ways. Barring that, tequila is an acceptable substitute.

Mr. Stephens, I had a feeling that was your rationale, cuz you seem a decent sort--some issues notwithstanding. But I think my sister (Professor, meet my friend the professor) is right. You have to decide what you want, and then actively pursue it. See, until very recently, I too was afraid to claim what I wanted, for similar reasons. And I may have waited too long. Though I hope not. I have a girlfriend who declared she wanted a husband-she was already a single mom. I thought she was joking, but she went out and got her one. And so far, he seems to be her soulmate.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

well sister, i will try, but i wont snatch them straight out of high school. LOL but i wasnt rationalizing it, it is what i truly belive, but dont sleep if i see what i want i will get it, i just wont go after any an everything - been there and don that, and it was not fufilling, well it was, but im finish with the bone and disown phase of my life.....and the funeral was today...its been a long week

The Bear Maiden said...

The thing is, though, once you set your vision for what it is you need, you don't go after everything. I mean, that's kind of the point for setting the vision. It's nice to know that there's someone out there who won't go after any and everything. If you aren't that kind of dude, I'll take your word for it and won't lump you in with the rest ;).

FWIW, I struggled a long time with setting my own vision, and I still struggle with it. I know it's why I'm struggling with Nene :) My problem is, I just am afraid of setting the vision, period. Afraid it won't materialize.

Anyway.

Again, my deepest condolences about your Grandma. I'm so sorry that you hurt. Listen for her in your heart. You'll hear her, I promise.

professor said...

PEOPLE THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T SET A VISION...you take folks as they come...be you...love hard...give yourself...and if it's for you it will work out and if it's not you had fun...once you set a vision there will always be "something" and you might miss that soulmate...

The Bear Maiden said...

I disagree. You flounder when you don't have a vision. Because all the ones I know who got what they wanted, were looking for something specific.

Ros said...

It sounds like Professor is interpreting having a vision as "exclusionary" and BearMaiden means having a vision as healthily ruling out traits/characteristics that would make you freakin' insane. As in, part of my vision includes a man without a history of handgun violations, not "he must be 6'1" and have green eyes". Yes? Isn't it that you have to have a vision of what you want, but you also have to get to know people a little to see if they are your vision?

The Bear Maiden said...

LOL. Very true. My thinking is you don't walk into a furniture store and pick any old sofa. Cuz you might get it home and the color's all wrong or it just plain doesn't fit through the front door. Doesn't mean you rule out all brown sofas, or all sofas with pillows. You just know they can't be 5 feet wide and 7 feet long. Or be serial cheaters or commitment phobes :) Stuff like that.

professor said...

OMG FOLKS *sigh*...If I walk into the sofa store I just let the right couch call out to me...if it's too big to fit the door, then we take down the door cause once it's inside I know I will have it forever! handgun violations? it depends what the charge was for...
I don't flounder because in the end God has a master plan and it's already written, so if God wants me to have the giant over sized sofa that does not fit in my door, eventually that damn sofa is gonna come my way...

Fat Lady said...

Well, folks, I'm hardly the one to be offering advice on finding a soul mate since I find myself caught in something that may be the opposite of everything I thought I wanted and most of the time I'm pretty miserable about it.

But I think you have to be willing to open yourself up to admit what you want and then you have to let it go and not try to control it so much. Because the universe is funny - it loves to give you what you think you want - and the more details you put on it - the funnier things get when all your details are met in the most fucked up way imaginable.

So I think the best approach is to, as they say, "Keep it simple, stupid."

Just saying, "I want someone to love and respect, who loves and respects me" is probably the most likely to wind up in a situation that makes you happy.

Pretending you don't want anything or being so certain of what you want down to the details means your eyes and heart probably will let a whole lot slip by unnoticed.

Mostly, I think you can't be scared of what you might get. When you feel that way, you end up not allowing yourself to really experience everything and everyone who comes into your life.