Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I Lied

I don't feel better. I mean I did earlier today, but now I don't.

Crushed. Blown to bits.

Not because I didn't know... but because as usual I tried... suspended judgement... had faith. Went with a feeling.

I know the Professor in particular is a little fed up with me. Bigbear thinks I'm moping.

But this one got under my skin in a big way, right from the very beginning. And I went with it. I let go, gave up on controlling the feeling. Didn't hide it. Inside, I felt different. Nene had given me back my heart and with this one... even knowing the nature of the beast I had faith the feeling was mutual and it would work out somehow.

I don't see, at this moment, how my not having barriers did me any good. For five years I kept those barriers in place, and it worked just fine.

I don't let people in cuz it's very very hard to let them out. It hurts every time.

And I am an all-or-nothing chick... I either feel something or I don't. And if I feel it I go all out. Yeah, it's intense, it's crazy. Obviously it doesn't work. But what else do I do? I've been on this earth 43 years and I realize there are some things I can change about me... but there are some others that I don't think I can.

Feeling whatever it is I'm feeling 100% is just what I do. And hurting 100% is what I feel right now... and there is no time formula or method of distracting myself that's going to make me feel any different. I wish I didn't feel this way, I do. I wish that I could turn it off like other people can, but I never could. And I really wish I could figure out when what I'm feeling is ONLY that mental distress thing and not something else. The bane of my existence. My curse.

I moved around so much as a younger kid... there are countless people I've left behind. I know that nothing lasts and so I keep myself to myself, knowing that most of the people I meet... even if it's intense for a minute, will pass through and it's likely in a few years we'll barely see each other or think of each other. But every so often someone comes along that grabs me... and I don't let them go. And when I'm forced to it hurts for a long time. So I try not to let them grab me in the first place. But this one grabbed me, and this time I let go.

It doesn't help that some people are dishonest. I'll give props to Nene... no matter what, he was honest. Whatever I wanted or however I felt, he was always honest, and I was never blindsided. I appreciate that.

We're going to the Pow Wow Thursday. I got that to keep me going... and the Sun... and all the other things in life I must do.

At some point I'll be OK. At some point this won't bother me and I'll look back at this summer not with pain but with some embarrassment... mainly cuz I put my heart on display for the world to see. But right now I feel like shit.

2 comments:

Janet said...

SIGH

Sh*t. ((((HUGS))))

Nothing else to say.

Ros said...

At 1:30 this afternoon I was sitting on my front porch drinking margaritas with a local friend going through something very similar. Wish you could have been here. Although you were talked about, I quoted your "People suck" sentiment.