Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Back To Life, Back to Reality

...Back To The here and now, yeah

Ugh, he's gone, thank God. Got on a plane and took all his misery and his FBB ass back to California. Leaving behind a very stressed and grumpy little boy. And a worn out and jaded chick.

Yesterday was my little man's big concert. He did so well. His friends and loved ones all joked about how long he stayed up on the stage. The way the concert works is that Roberta has all the kids start, with the "Littlies" in the first row. As the difficulty of the pieces increases, the "Littlies" peel off the stage and go sit, and the more experienced players move forward. And so on, until all that's left are the senior performers and Junior Ensemble kids, who by now are in their early teens.

The Sun stayed up there until the 4th/5th graders were there. Even I didn't know how far he'd come in a year... didn't know he'd be up on stage that long. As I've said repeatedly, I guess those screaming fights over practicing paid off. And I have to say... he *has* come a long way in a year. It's pretty cool to see. He's so serious when he plays:
and I'm so proud of him.

He was stressed, though. He'd spent the night with FBB the night before, after the tournament. Instead of taking him home to rest, like I'd asked, he took him to buy clothes, why I'm not sure. Either he didn't think I'd sent any, or he didn't think I'd sent any for the concert, or... who the hell knows what he was thinking. The Sun called me about 10P to say goodnight. The next morning, I got to school about 8:25A, with a change of clothes and clothes for the recital... *and* his violin. The Sun was already there. And he was way crabby; yelling at his friends, stomping around, grabbing the ball from kids. He grabbed a ball from his best friend "M", who went flying but was OK. But when The Sun grabbed the ball from MamasGirl, almost knocking her down, I went into the school yard to get him.

Normally, I would have chewed him out, but the stress on his face was evident. And so I just gave him a hug and asked him if he'd had a rough nite. Of course I told him he can't push and shove his friends but to really chew him out wouldn't have solved anything.

We got on the bus to the rehearsal and were there until about 1:30P, and then after school we went to BigBear's house to relax before we had to dress for the concert. I'd decided I wanted him to wear a tie, and he was opposed but I insisted. Ties for kids his age were *impossible* to find, but luckily the Diva had accidentally gotten the wrong size when she had bought one for The Carday. I took pictures of The Sun and The Carday before we left.

FBB came glowering in right before the concert started... but his face beamed with pride once it started. It was pretty cool to see.

Afterwards, he took the Sun, but the Sun had told me earlier he really didn't want to go... This is the first time The Sun wasn't brimming over with excitement that he didn't want to go with his dad. FBB didn't really linger, didn't try to mingle, but walking across 151st street (or wherever we were), we happened to all be walking in the same direction, and Ladybug, from The Sun's class, pounced on him. So LilacBlue walked right up to them, and introduced herself to FBB--even getting him to laugh. So she gets the prize!

The Sun called me *at midnight* to say Goodnight. He said FBB wanted to drop him off at home at 2P. I said "no" but heard The Sun tighten up immediately, so I said "we'll talk about it tomorrow."

The whole weekend, FBB says NOTHING to me, but he wants to drop the Sun off at my house?! Yah, I don't think so.

This morning, The Sun called. I didn't answer when he called the house phone, and called him back from my cell. I lied and told him I wasn't home, and wasn't going to be home at 2P so tell his dad that we could meet in the Dunkin' Donuts where the #6 train ends. He sounded SO stressed. He told me later that his father had a "talk" with him about not calling... that he should call him at least twice (a week?)--I said you already do that. And he gave him back the phone! That I paid $16.00 to get to California overnight because the Sun was stressing that his father would call him a liar if the phone didn't get there.

I'm so tired... this post has taken me two hours to write. There's more... but not much more and nothing serious, I guess. The Sun came back in one piece, but mentally he was a wreck. Again today he was a nasty, stomping, yelling, uncooperative Little Boy. We went to pick up the Moon, and he was awful to him. I explained to the Moon "don't take it personally... he's been with his dad". And The Moon tried so hard to mellow out his friend. He was really gentle and caring... the first I've ever seen that. But it worked. By the time WhiteClogs came to get the Moon, The Sun was more like his old self. I made steak and baked potatoes for dinner, and then got him in the bed. *MY* bed. He wanted to sleep there. And I've got to get there, so I'm going to end this.

I dunno. There were no outward incidents. Overall, it went well. We successfully navigated a visit without the court, outside of the precinct. But he's still a nasty, miserable fuck, and he really doesn't like me. Which is fine, because I've discovered I profoundly don't like him. I'm not as afraid anymore, though. It helped so much to know that I have people who will buffer me... though I wonder if that will always be the case. I spoke to LilacBlue today who remarked on how pleasant FBB was when she talked to him; that he had a nice laugh and a nice smile and beautiful eyes, and if she didn't know the bottom half of the story, if she didn't see how the Sun is when he comes back from being with him, she would wonder if I was making it all up.

I dunno. I do wonder if it's me sometimes. But I know how I feel when I have to deal with him, and I know the Sun had a *hard* time this weekend.

7 comments:

Jacqueline said...

It's NOT you.

Audrey said...

Hugs to you both. You are doing a great job. Just look at all he's accomplishing. Keep up the good work and stay strong! We are here for you.

Ginger said...

Ahh...what a bitch that you had to deal with this but I'm glad it went off without court, etc. And poor Sun...he looked gorgeous by the way in the pictures. He's a beautiful child. You're doing great!

Regina said...

It is so very much NOT you - FBB is certainly an FBB!!! - and you are a big part of why the SUN shines as much as he does! Great job -despite the Dark Cloud - boy does he look miserable in most of the photos. I am surprised LilacBlue even got a smile out of him - he looks like he was on the defensive!

Janet said...

Great job Mom! Sorry you and the Sun had to deal with FBB at all. Kudos to you for keeping your head about you and for being able to keep the Sun in line with love and kindness as he recovers from his visit.

The recital pics are awesome!! You both should be very proud!

LilacBlue80 said...

Oh yes FBB has a charming side and it's not doubt that he has skill to suck any decent person into his world. But I KNOW you and you don't let s**t mess you up, so I know he's a d**k. I know my Fuzzy and I've seen him after a visit with his dad and it's not good. I've even had to explain to the Ladybug that it's a stressful time for him and so she has a higher tolerance for him on those occasions then she normally would. Plus he reminds me so much of the Ladybugs dad that I so know it's not in your mind. Don't doubt yourself. You're not insane. FBB has issues... but it's amazing the transformation he can make... he walked in looking like he could clobber someone, and afterwards he was all smiles and as proud as could be... scary...

Nina said...

Well, we all know you're not the crazy one. Mmmm...you wondered if you would always have people to buffer you from the FBB--or the situation? Do you mean literally, or in the mind's eye?

Literally, maybe not. I have a feeling you could probably arrange that sort of thing easily enough, though. Especially now, it seems your circle has widened.

But in your mind's eye, we will always be there. Here. Call on us, we love you.

:)