Friday, September 21, 2007
My face has exploded again, my hair needs a serious wash (gonna sneak off to the hairdresser's at lunch), and I'm tired as hell. And I hate my fucking job. Rather, I hate the people on my fucking job, except for the one who's in Italy and the one who's last week is next week. And BigGirl. She's a sweetheart.
Periodically, I have moments of panic; I need to get out of here. But the fucking student loans hold me hostage. The thing about this place is that it is SO convenient to the Sun's school, I get to see Poppy more often than I would otherwise, the pay is comfortable and I have benefits. I'm making a little headway in my debt, though not a hell of a lot.
But I know this isn't going to work long-term.... the BigKahuna is evil incarnate. No, seriously.... there are some people who are bad, some people who are dumb, some people who fuck up because they are in over their heads... but this chick. She's something else. She has a PhD in psychology, so she knows how to fuck with people. And she has destroyed the department. So even if they fire her, which is unlikely, there's nothing here to salvage. The Vampyre is definitely in line to be headbitch.... mainly cuz she's as evil and sneaky and remorseless.
They don't scare me or make me fearful. I don't quake before I come here, like I've done at other places. I just know that one day one of them is going to come at me with some bullshit, and I'll lose my patience. And I just don't want to be bothered. Life is too short.
Plus, I'm not really doing anything. I can "do nothing" on my own time, in my own house, singing along to Aretha Franklin or Billie Holiday, with the sun streaming through my living room windows. Or hanging out with Fat Lady and Lilac Blue or One Half. Or Bigbear. People I like. Instead of people who annoy the fuck out of me. Smarmy ass-kissers.
But I need a structure of some sort, and not one of my own, because I am lazy and probably have some ADHD myself, and I can easily get lost in the sunshine and Aretha Franklin unless somebody gives me a deadline.
The Florida craze has sort of passed.... as much as I LOVED Florida, I am a New Yorker. I need schmutz and fire engine sirens and housing projects. I need El Barrio and Harlem and Chinatown. Although those places probably won't be around for much longer.... but there's still Castle Hill and Zerega for now. So I'm guessing I'm here for now, but I have to figure out how to pay these bills.
Then there's the man thing. I've resolved myself that I am to be single. I think the soulmate thing has passed me by... which is OK. Today, anyway, it's OK. Don't get me wrong... holy cow but the Sugarcube is an awful lot of fun. Shit. I get giggly just thinking about it. But he's a loooooong way from anything serious, and I care about him enough to know he deserves to grow up on his own time. Not that he's childish... not by a longshot. Cuz I've been thinking about it, and "age"--the physical number of years you've been on this planet in the current physical body--doesn't have a whole lot to do with it. But there is such a thing--and it just hit me--as "SoulYears." Like Dog or Cat Years, they accumulate at a different rate. Or like the Jewish Calendar they span over a greater period of time than the current standard. In Soulyears, SugarCube isn't quite as old as me, and I know he's got some obstacles to get over to give him some perspective. I have to say though, that so far I'm really impressed. In a human-watching sort of way, ,I really hope that he continues on in his current path cuz he'll be dynamite someday. But I may be too far ahead of him on that path, and there may not ever be a point where we're closer together. But you never can tell.
Sort of an odd feeling for me. Usually, I become obsessed/consumed with the object of my affections, and begin to panic when I think they're pulling away. And it would certainly be disappointing if I have to give the Sugarcube up in the very near future and I won't say I won't feel badly. But I don't feel obsessed this go round. Maybe because, with my own maturity, I've come to recognize that I really DO pick up on other people's mental shit, and I really CAN feel where they are in their head. Which means that it's not MY shit and not MY confusion, which is an extremely liberating thing to realize.
So, the other day I knew he was going to come over. And planned my day accordingly, without ever really talking to him. But today, my friend is muddled, and I can feel him backpeddling. But I know it doesn't have a lot to do with me... I know he doesn't want to get too close just yet--to anybody. And it's OK, (today anyway) cuz I don't know that I'm really ready myself. Ultimately, I would love to have what my parents have, what UNN1 had. But I also think some people are more "transient" in their love lives, and I may be such a person. I'm OK with loving more than one person in my lifetime--I've already loved a few. Love is a good thing.
Last night I went upstairs again to visit UNN1. She said it would be a long time before she felt "right" again, but she's peaceful. She's sleeping in her own bed, the bed where Kip died, because she said there is no pain up there. She showed me pictures of their life together... they were so joyous. He loved her so much. In all the pictures, almost every one, his eyes were on her. He was bold, and darkly handsome. And she was such a pixie -- a tiny slip of a girl with a pointed face and a big attitude. They only ever loved each other.
I know that it wasn't always easy for them; Kip had been an alcoholic for a time, and definitely had those dark voices creative people have. They had lean years when he stopped being able to dance and they ate lots of hamburger meat... because that was what was cheap back then. They fought. He was a tad bit domineering. But he loved her and respected her. And I watch her now, in the very beginning of continuing on in her life, and she can do it because she had love for so long. She is secure in that. And that's got to be a good thing... if I wish for anything in life, that feeling of security would be a good thing.
But for now, I still have to grab a hold of my self. I'm still recovering from BronxFamilyCourt. We still have to get this visitation thing settled... and it could go either way, but we're closer to something than I ever thought possible. At least the custody thing is done. But I wish I felt more anchored. Or on a clear path to something, and I don't quite feel that way yet. And I don't think I'm going to get the man-thing right until I feel anchored.
I have to get back to La Vida Low Budget: I checked my diary the other night, and the Fam was still sitting in the Zanzibar Motel, so we haven't missed anything. I have to get back to drawing or painting, but I am taking a lot of pictures around the hospital. Perhaps I should put some up (I just did)...
The Sun and I have pretty much been up and out of the house on time for much of the week; two days we've missed commuting with the Moon and Shoefly but neither of those days was because I was being a slut; the Sun came down with a cold and has been moving slowly. But next week we need to get back to getting out early cuz it means I leave this Hellhole early. I HATE sitting around this bitch...