My face has exploded again, my hair needs a serious wash (gonna sneak off to the hairdresser's at lunch), and I'm tired as hell. And I hate my fucking job. Rather, I hate the people on my fucking job, except for the one who's in Italy and the one who's last week is next week. And BigGirl. She's a sweetheart.

Periodically, I have moments of panic; I need to get out of here. But the fucking student loans hold me hostage. The thing about this place is that it is SO convenient to the Sun's school, I get to see Poppy more often than I would otherwise, the pay is comfortable and I have benefits. I'm making a little headway in my debt, though not a hell of a lot.

But I know this isn't going to work long-term.... the BigKahuna is evil incarnate. No, seriously.... there are some people who are bad, some people who are dumb, some people who fuck up because they are in over their heads... but this chick. She's something else. She has a PhD in psychology, so she knows how to fuck with people. And she has destroyed the department. So even if they fire her, which is unlikely, there's nothing here to salvage. The Vampyre is definitely in line to be headbitch.... mainly cuz she's as evil and sneaky and remorseless.

They don't scare me or make me fearful. I don't quake before I come here, like I've done at other places. I just know that one day one of them is going to come at me with some bullshit, and I'll lose my patience. And I just don't want to be bothered. Life is too short.

Plus, I'm not really doing anything. I can "do nothing" on my own time, in my own house, singing along to Aretha Franklin or Billie Holiday, with the sun streaming through my living room windows. Or hanging out with Fat Lady and Lilac Blue or One Half. Or Bigbear. People I like. Instead of people who annoy the fuck out of me. Smarmy ass-kissers.

But I need a structure of some sort, and not one of my own, because I am lazy and probably have some ADHD myself, and I can easily get lost in the sunshine and Aretha Franklin unless somebody gives me a deadline.

The Florida craze has sort of passed.... as much as I LOVED Florida, I am a New Yorker. I need schmutz and fire engine sirens and housing projects. I need El Barrio and Harlem and Chinatown. Although those places probably won't be around for much longer.... but there's still Castle Hill and Zerega for now. So I'm guessing I'm here for now, but I have to figure out how to pay these bills.

Then there's the man thing. I've resolved myself that I am to be single. I think the soulmate thing has passed me by... which is OK. Today, anyway, it's OK. Don't get me wrong... holy cow but the Sugarcube is an awful lot of fun. Shit. I get giggly just thinking about it. But he's a loooooong way from anything serious, and I care about him enough to know he deserves to grow up on his own time. Not that he's childish... not by a longshot. Cuz I've been thinking about it, and "age"--the physical number of years you've been on this planet in the current physical body--doesn't have a whole lot to do with it. But there is such a thing--and it just hit me--as "SoulYears." Like Dog or Cat Years, they accumulate at a different rate. Or like the Jewish Calendar they span over a greater period of time than the current standard. In Soulyears, SugarCube isn't quite as old as me, and I know he's got some obstacles to get over to give him some perspective. I have to say though, that so far I'm really impressed. In a human-watching sort of way, ,I really hope that he continues on in his current path cuz he'll be dynamite someday. But I may be too far ahead of him on that path, and there may not ever be a point where we're closer together. But you never can tell.

Sort of an odd feeling for me. Usually, I become obsessed/consumed with the object of my affections, and begin to panic when I think they're pulling away. And it would certainly be disappointing if I have to give the Sugarcube up in the very near future and I won't say I won't feel badly. But I don't feel obsessed this go round. Maybe because, with my own maturity, I've come to recognize that I really DO pick up on other people's mental shit, and I really CAN feel where they are in their head. Which means that it's not MY shit and not MY confusion, which is an extremely liberating thing to realize.

So, the other day I knew he was going to come over. And planned my day accordingly, without ever really talking to him. But today, my friend is muddled, and I can feel him backpeddling. But I know it doesn't have a lot to do with me... I know he doesn't want to get too close just yet--to anybody. And it's OK, (today anyway) cuz I don't know that I'm really ready myself. Ultimately, I would love to have what my parents have, what UNN1 had. But I also think some people are more "transient" in their love lives, and I may be such a person. I'm OK with loving more than one person in my lifetime--I've already loved a few. Love is a good thing.

Last night I went upstairs again to visit UNN1. She said it would be a long time before she felt "right" again, but she's peaceful. She's sleeping in her own bed, the bed where Kip died, because she said there is no pain up there. She showed me pictures of their life together... they were so joyous. He loved her so much. In all the pictures, almost every one, his eyes were on her. He was bold, and darkly handsome. And she was such a pixie -- a tiny slip of a girl with a pointed face and a big attitude. They only ever loved each other.

I know that it wasn't always easy for them; Kip had been an alcoholic for a time, and definitely had those dark voices creative people have. They had lean years when he stopped being able to dance and they ate lots of hamburger meat... because that was what was cheap back then. They fought. He was a tad bit domineering. But he loved her and respected her. And I watch her now, in the very beginning of continuing on in her life, and she can do it because she had love for so long. She is secure in that. And that's got to be a good thing... if I wish for anything in life, that feeling of security would be a good thing.

But for now, I still have to grab a hold of my self. I'm still recovering from BronxFamilyCourt. We still have to get this visitation thing settled... and it could go either way, but we're closer to something than I ever thought possible. At least the custody thing is done. But I wish I felt more anchored. Or on a clear path to something, and I don't quite feel that way yet. And I don't think I'm going to get the man-thing right until I feel anchored.

I have to get back to La Vida Low Budget: I checked my diary the other night, and the Fam was still sitting in the Zanzibar Motel, so we haven't missed anything. I have to get back to drawing or painting, but I am taking a lot of pictures around the hospital. Perhaps I should put some up (I just did)...
The Hug

The Sun and I have pretty much been up and out of the house on time for much of the week; two days we've missed commuting with the Moon and Shoefly but neither of those days was because I was being a slut; the Sun came down with a cold and has been moving slowly. But next week we need to get back to getting out early cuz it means I leave this Hellhole early. I HATE sitting around this bitch...


Fat Lady said…
I just saw you yesterday and your skin looked glowing and your hair flowing, so I don't know what you're talking about regarding hair and face.

As for the job, now, you know I want you out of there. I miss being able to hang with you!!! And I HATE you being miserable.


Here's the thing - and I readily admit that I can give this advice, but am often hard-pressed to take it. If the job is allowing you to have some things that make life good for you, then, until you're ready to go, try not to focus on the bullshit unless they are shoving it right up under your nose. If the pile of crap is across the room, face downwind and ignore it.

You know how I feel about my job and the person I work for. And often I just wallow in my hatred of it all. But as often as I can, I try to push those thoughts away and focus on things like how happy I was yesterday to be standing outside chatting with friends instead of being packed in the subway on my way to an office. Or, even though they were working my nerves like crazy yesterday, I was still in my home with my kid running around and Lilac Blue snoozing on my sofa.

I just find if I walk around all tight, waiting for BossMan to do stupid shit, then I'm making myself miserable rather than letting myself find ways of enjoying what I have. And of getting away with what I can get away with. Which is the other upside.

Rather than getting caught up in what people aren't giving me - I tend to let them think they're getting over or getting what they want, while I quietly take what I want.

You have location and time right now. Use your energy thinking about how you can utilize those things, rather than waiting for those crazy bitches to act out.

If you need structure, we can make that happen. I will challenge, bug, harass, set deadlines for you, whatever you need to start spending time on your stuff rather than waiting for those crazy people to do some other ridiculous thing.

Florida. I think you should still keep moving forward on it. Even if you don't think you're going to go. There are so many positive things to be gained from working towards making a major change in your life. Even if you decide in the end that it's not the change for you.

I'm glad that you're able to wrap your head around being able to play a little. I think you're right, that you need some time to let the the residual of your time in BFC fade away. Give yourself time to be yourself, rather than that person who has to be constantly focused on defending yourself and your child.

I don't think you can no what your romantic destiny is right now. Certainly not for a while, because your still too close to what has been. When you have distance from that, you'll have more clarity about seeing what could be.

In the meantime, rock that sugarcube until he's nothing but granules.

I think it's incredible when people have a lifetime of love with one person. I think that is very, very, very rare. But it doesn't mean something incredible isn't out there for the rest of us. I don't care if I find my soulmate at 99 and I die at 100 - having that one great love has to be awesome even if it's only for a moment.

And smaller loves along the way aren't always so bad. I agonize over the Bull and I. I am convinced at times that I can't be with him another moment. And then there are times when I can fully enjoy the love I have for him and that makes the hard times worth it. Though I wish he were, I know he's not the GREAT love, the soulmate, but that's OK, because there's a lot of good there anyway. And being with him now doesn't mean that I won't have that amazing love sometime in the future.

I think the more you leave yourself open to the possibilities, no matter how remote and unrealistic they seem, the better the chances are that you will realize them.
Fat Lady said…
Oh yeah, and I'm anxiously awaiting a return to your ongoing tale. And I LOVE that photograph, "the hug," and could analyze it, and you, all day.

Popular Posts