Sunday, July 19, 2009

You Can Only Run But So Far

...from yourself.

I woke up realizing something this morning: all that toying with the Scrub was only a distraction from being fucked up over the Cricket. And it wasn't working for me, largely because the Scrub only plays his own game on his own time, which was doing absolutely nothing for me.

And the fact is I missed my friend. I missed the other stuff, too... but I missed the constant chatter. And there's not a lot I can do about it, really. By accident, I turned up something over the Internet that made me realize that the Cricket is loved by a bunch of people. Unlike the Scrub, who spreads himself around in order not to have to commit to anything, the Cricket holds himself close so as not to have to commit to anything. But point in the Cricket's favor is he's not a liar, and when confronted is usually pretty forthcoming. Unlike the Scrub who just disappears.

But either way neither of them is doing shit for me, so I'm still in the same miserable boat. And only I can figure out a way to deal with it. And no, I haven't figured out a way. But at least I finally came clean with myself.

But the walls were closing in, and although I'll regret not staying home and cleaning up so that I can finish projects this week, I ran like hell. ShoeFly was going to take the Sun with her and the Moon up to our CrazyFriend in Connecticut's house. She has a new pool. But at the absolute last minute I decided to go with them; I hadn't even showered which for me is MAJOR. I go nowhere without a shower.

And I'm glad I went... I floated in CrazyFriend's pool, and ate food, and ice cream, and laughed with the absolutely charming gay couple who live across the street from her.

ShoeFly had rented a Zip car to get there, and so she had to return it. She asked me to go with her so that she wouldn't have to take the train back by herself. And I did. But it meant the Sun missed his 8P webcam with his dad....

...and to illustrate how much SD has chilled... he's taken to texting me about 15 minutes before the appointed time, to see where we are. Rather than wait and then berate me. And I know it's my job to remember, but with it being summer and nice out and the sun not going down I forget until about 15 minutes after we should have started. So I don't mind at all that he texts me to remind me. And I felt TERRIBLE that I'd forgotten to let him know we'd be late today.

SD comes back to the city for good on Wednesday. I think it's going to be OK. At least I hope it will be. I was hoping that I'd be in some kind of a steady relationship by the time he got back... but... it won't happen. Cuz I've no desire to get back with him. But I do look forward to cooperative parenting, and the Sun is at the age where fathers being to make a huge impression. So I hope we are able to maintain peace and cordiality. The odd thing is... getting to know the Scrub and his Babymama gave me the hope and the realization that good co-parenting relationships are actually possible...

... so there's good in every situation.

I had a text conversation with the Cricket in which we at least got positions clear. I don't feel a whole lot better about the long term prospects. Or even the short term. I mean, the project will work cuz we're both committed to making it work. But it kind of sucks. Cuz I've carried a torch for sooooo long.... but I guess I should be happy that I at least got to sample it. Cuz if you'd asked me about it in 2003 I never thought I'd even get this close...

Ugh.

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