Friday, July 17, 2009

I'm Not Emo....

...really. I realized today people probably think there's something really wrong with me.

But I have learned 'tis far far better to let my Hell out than to keep it in. I mean, some of it I keep in, but most of it I let go. Which is why I'm usually pretty calm in person.

But sometimes shit gets the best of me.

This morning I woke up with THE WORST feeling of despair and stress... it was so overpowering I lay in bed not wanting to open my eyes. Now, I've had the feeling before, and there have been times when it has been my own feeling. But this morning, I woke up knowing that what was going on in my life had not taken a turn for the worse, so there was no real reason for me to feel as bad as I did...

So I figured the feeling belonged to someone else... and about an hour later I remembered that the Cricket was facing some stress. And then LO and behold, it was confirmed. And I knew the feeling was his. Ain't that some shit? I mean I know it exists... I know I have this "thing" but it is always such a relief when I have proof.

So I texted him, and was only going to ask was he OK but I knew he'd say he was. I added "I know you're not OK, cuz I can feel it" and asked him just to let me know he was breathing.

So... he's breathing. And he'll be OK. Finding out that he was OK brought me to tears, the relief was so intense.

*sigh*.

Really the only two things that stress me are the fact that I have no income, and that I can't organize myself to finish the things I know will bring me income.

That and I do wish I had a partner... I wish I could have another baby before time runs out on me...

...but other than that, life is what it is. And it could be worse. It could get worse. It might, too, but for now I'm alright.

I ended up coming in to the City to hang with LilacBlue and Whitehorse, after first taking the Sun to his violin workout. My M&A Peep who has decided to tutor my Sun is a blessing, and I am so very grateful to him. Gonna have to figure out a way to pay him back... or pay it forward.

So I'm good. I'm praying for my Cricket friend and I wish I was truly able to take his journey with him, but... we all gotta do what we do...

...and I've given up on the Scrub again. Cuz he's a beast that will always be what he is.

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