Saturday, July 11, 2009

From the outside in...

...is the way I'm working lately. My deck is almost "there". I think I got most of the leaf debris and miscellaneous garbage into bags. All the flowers UN got me have gone into pots. All skanky pots have been emptied or recycled. And later CNC and the Sun helped me open all the lounging chairs when it started to rain, so that the rain could wash them clean. The last big job to do is to dismantle the old barbecue and and set up the new one. I'm kind of scared of that job... But I find myself looking at my apartment and feeling the clean-up is doable. I yearn for "lean and mean and clean"...

The Fam came up today for awhile, with Poppy. I hadn't been writing about it but it's a regular thing lately. It makes the Professor tired and crabby cuz she's the one that gets the brunt of the running around, but on the other hand it's about the steadiest trek they've made my house in years, the kid loves it--opting to stick around rather than go see the Moon--and loves having MoodMagicBarbie over, and it's good for Poppy. And as overwhelming as they can be I like having them here. Even when they're snappy, like they were today.

We ordered Chinese food and then they went on their way, CNC sticking around for awhile afterwards to chat. As we talk she tells me more and more of what her childhood was like, and the more she talks the more I admire her resiliency, her openness. Her survivor's heart. She never thinks her story is all that special. But what she's done and seen and survived in her life rival any movie. I keep telling her she needs to write it... I wonder if she'd let me. But it would be hard to match her descriptions... when she talks I see it all in my minds eye, and I am astounded at the human will to survive.

Which sort of brings me to a difficult story brewing in the Fam. Every family has their drama and heartache, and our Fam is no exception... for us it's the Diva. We love her dearly... but she's spoiled and far too dependent on the family--the parents in particular--to support her. She doesn't work, doesn't look for work with any focus, struggled through a semester and dropped out, and doesn't pay one bill on her own. My argument with the parents in particular is that they have treated her as if she's handicapped and incapable of taking care of herself. And I don't think she is. And even if she were, I've known handicapped or folk challenged with various afflictions who haul ass and try to be independent. So I love her greatly but don't have a lot of sympathy for her. And I told Poppy today during a family discussion about his imminent release from the rehab, that he's got to close the family purse. She needs to hustle, if only for a little while. She needs to grow up. She needs to try. And I guess that's what bothers me in particular... it's not that she can't or that she may fail, it's that she doesn't try. And I know she knows it, and is worried, cuz she hasn't been around the family much lately.

But I remember being 22 and 23, and all that mattered was sex and boys and parties and alcohol, but at the same time I hustled. I worked, or schemed or dreamed, and I was determined to be independent. I didn't want to depend on anyone... and it's something she needs to show.

Families are weird things. The older I get the more I'm convinced that there really is no "normal". There is "average", maybe... "average" families with "average" dysfunction. Then there is a sliding scale of "more than average", "kinda fucked up", "fucked up", "FUBAR" and "HolyShitTherapyWaitingToHappen". Maybe there's a "WhyBotherWithTherapy" category too. I think we'd actually fall into the "more than average" category, cuz our family is just damn weird but we like each other, pretty much. So I'm hoping that the Diva will pull her shit together cuz she's got brains and charisma up the wazoo... but she's not overly confident in her brainskills. Which is kind of sad... I wonder why that happened. Cuz I don't think she's dumb at all--not in the least. She's definitely wired differently than we are... and that's biological. I think she needs to find her own brand of strength and her natural rhythm of dealing with the world rather than the BearClan way, but it doesn't make her dumb. I guess I never really realized that till just now. I'm going to have to figure out how to explain that to her...

Cuz the little one, MMB gets more and more BearClan-like every day; laconic, sardonic, musical... a thinking child. I'm always startled at how much MMB is like me, because for so long I've loved and known the Diva who is completely different. I got used to the "difference" and the similarities with MMB throw me. And I suppose that has to make the Diva feel a little weird. And I hope that time will restore her confidence in herself and how much she is loved. But it's one of those things you've got to figure out on your own.

Lately, with all the writing and the thinking, I've found it easy for me to let my judgements and preconceived notions of how life should be go. I don't care much what people do, particularly if it doesn't affect me personally. There was a time when I wanted no parts of people's freakishness... it would bother me or get my moral panties in a bunch and I wanted nothing to do with them. But the older I get, the more people fascinate me. I love putting myself in oddly or slightly uncomfortable situations, testing the limits of my self, just to see what comes out of it. There are certain things I won't do... groups, girls, or married guys, pork shellfish or things that are really dangerous. But aside from that I'll try anything once, cuz it gives me shit to write about. And it gives me infinite insights to myself and the world around me. And I become more and more amazed at how closed up people really are... how closed up I used to be. And I know it's the pain thing... that fact I feel it so fiercely. I understand suicide... why someone would try to escape the constant pain. I spent a lot of time deadening pain... and when I broke through it it sucked ass and hurt as much as I knew it would. But fuck it. I survived it long enough to move past it. Kind of like labor. Resting through the valleys, riding out the peaks. So I think I'm OK now. Cuz I know there will be another wave in there, but at the same time the joy is just as high. It makes it worth it to endure, to feel. But it's weird. The pain I can feel makes me empathetic... my ability to ride it out makes me strong.

One of the things that had caused me pain is beginning to settle, and lately I've been thinking that my life is just not going to include a steady partner, I realized this morning I think my problem is I'm the man I wish I could find. And uh. I doubt there's two of me in the world, particularly a male version. And if there is he's a long long way away. I'm trying to get past the baby thing... it's the last thing I struggle with. But I figure I have one more year. And a lot can happen in a year...

I've heard very little/barely little from Cricket. If I allow myself it hurts. I miss the buzz, the back-and-forth. But at the moment I've no desire to pursue. Fuck it. Long as the project continues it's good. But I have my doubts about that too...

Conversely, I've heard more than the usual from the Scrub. If I allow myself, he can get to me. I miss the comfort, the similarity. But at the moment I've no desire to pursue. I wonder what really possesses him to keep contact. Is it the chase? He already knows what I'm about. He tried to come up today and at another time I would have waited excitedly and wanted him to come. But today I didn't want to waste my time waiting, and I said no. Plus, I told him I don't want bits and pieces... if you're coming I want time.

Ha. That shut him down for the rest of the day.

Another odd thing is that I've been having conversations with the BabyMama, with whom I have an interesting number of odd things in common. Including the Scrub, ha ha. I've avoided contact with her cuz I'd no desire to be close to her--not that they are together or so he says--but because the similarities between her and me were apparent from the beginning. But like I said... the oddly uncomfortable situation has a certain appeal. Keeps life interesting...

Speaking of interesting... I JUST realized today was my ex-(choke)husband's birthday... funny how time erases things...

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