...some days it was certainly harder than other days, but I did it. I actually posted something here every day for a month.
Whether that momentum can--or shall--continue, I dunno.
I didn't get to bed till an ungodly hour last night. At the last minute I'd updated my Crackbook Status to say that I should go to sleep except I hated dreaming. Really I just hate sleeping alone period, but I won't QUITE advertise that lonely fact on FB. But really I hate dreaming. Cuz I end up dreaming about people and things I miss. And it's ironic that no sooner did my head hit the pillow I had one of those intense dreams I have sometimes.
One time I'd had a dream like this... really intense dream about Nene. At the time, there had been only flirtation and I woke up thinking how odd that I would dream about him, and that intensely. Later that day he'd texted me, and throughout a drawn-out text conversation it was revealed he'd dreamed about me too, and then we figured out that it was about the same time.
Last night, I dreamed about the Scrub. I found myself in the dream with him there, and I said to myself "I don't want to be here". It was as if I'd opened the door to a room and gone in, only to discover I was in the wrong room. You want to walk out, but someone sees you and forces you to stay. And that was what the dream felt like. We exchanged pleasantries in the dream, and then I sort of woke up. But I was annoyed with myself for having the dream.
At the same time I knew it was because I could feel his emotional turmoil. He's got a big event happening in his life which I may write about within the context of another post so as not to reveal his identity. So I know that, like wandering into a room in which I didn't want to be, he had seen me there and wanted me to stay a minute. What's happening to him breaks my heart, particularly since I saw it coming last summer and tried to warn him about it.
But I was still annoyed at myself for wandering into a dreamroom I didn't want to be in...
Today was the last day of the Sun's String camp. I took sandwiches and Gator Ade down to the Sun and his dad, meeting them in the park. We ate, then walked back to the Camp where the Sun was to have his last class with Mr. O'Connor himself. The class was packed, the room was hot. Mr. O'Connor taught a song that only the very advanced "intermediates" were able to keep up with. The Sun was quite lost, but he tried anyhow, and he stuck the class out. Others quit. The odd thing was I could feel that Mr. O'Connor felt ever so slightly bad that the tune was a little over every one's heads, and was also slightly surprised. I also decided I felt other things about him but overall he's a "true" heart and I like him very much, as a human soul.
Earlier, the Sun had informed me he'd signed up to play at the student concert. I was glad he did... and gladder still that he was excited about it. But as the moment approached I wondered if he'd have second thoughts. His Opus classmate, a tall sort-of-squishy but sweet kid of 17, hung out with us after the last class was finished, and helped the Sun to practice the piece he was to play. They also spent about a half hour on the piano in the room we were camped in, working on a riff that was incredibly beautiful. The Sun played the lower half of the keyboard, the kid the upper. It's too bad they were too young and inexperienced to not remember the notes or be able to write the music. Mind you, SD was still around. At one point he looked at me and said something to the effect that he finally realized how much this world, these feelings were "me", and familiar to me... and how different we actually were. I laughed... because it's true. We come from completely different places in life. All we ever had in common was the Sun.
And maybe that's the thing... we both needed the Sun in our lives and it was the sole and only purpose for us to be together. The one thing we had in common.
We moved down to the concert hall... and as we sat and people filed in, the Sun asked his friend to play with him. The kid had signed up to play the night before but had gotten bumped for time. As the evening progressed, and more and more "students" played I wondered if the Sun would actually go through with it. One of the "campers" turns out, was the youngest tenured violinist with the Boston Symphony. And it was obvious that many others were professional musicians.
One young girl got up and sang Coldplay's "Viva La Vida". She was awful... which wouldn't have meant anything except throughout the week she had proven herself to be exceedingly obnoxious, the kind of kid who spends FAR too much time around indulging adults and who thinks she's a little better than she is. The kind of kid that grows up to be a Madonna... not particularly talented but driven. But I could see the spark of confidence light up in the Sun and his friend, because they both knew that they would at least be slightly more accomplished than she.
And they were. The Sun's friend is a remarkable young man--exceedingly kind and devoid of ego. He had no problem playing "second fiddle" to the Sun, but in such a way as to be completely supportive and engaged. The Sun announced the song. The friend took the first bar, establishing the song. The Sun and he played the second bar. And then my little boy took the second section of the tune... he played clean, kept the rhythm, hit every note dead on. No squeaks... and the audience began to clap time. The Sun looked up startled, and smiled with pleasure... and kept right on playing. They finished the last bars together and the audience gave them a heartfelt and resounding round of applause.
SD positively beamed. And so did I... And even better... the Sun's new hero DBR even gave him an acknowledgment as he left.
The Sun stayed with his dad tonight, and I came on home... I'm so very proud of, and happy for, my little boy...