Sunday, July 26, 2009

Way Too Much Togetherness

...with SD. Just way too much. And it's not like we're not getting along, because we are. And the Sun loves it, and it was a pleasant day but the longer it dragged on the more I felt like I was jumping out of my skin and I wanted to shoot myself.

He came and picked us up to take us into the City to register the Sun for the Mark O'Connor String camp. And I'm not being ungrateful cuz it was so much easier and faster to have gotten there by car.

Registration took about 10 minutes; they were all very pleasant and Mr. O'Connor himself was there looking ordinary and and not at all like the fabulous spine-tingling musician he is, but the Sun refused to go and say "hi". All of a sudden the kid is ridiculously shy.

It's gonna be tough for my little man; I worry that Roberta was right and this camp is way over his head... but I'm hoping that the teachers will be nice and patient and recognize a kid with some raw talent, and I'm hoping the kid will find himself surrounded by people who are there because they love music, and I'm hoping he hears other kinds of violin music and not just the Suzuki method. Cuz the Suzuki method is great and methodical and I totally see the logic... but lets face it it's not really relative to a kid's every day. Show them some hip hop or jazz! Or rock! Something that will make them want to play... so I worry for my little man but I hope he enjoys it.

He sat in the back of the car and picked the classes he wanted to take; first choice and second choice. When we came home I made a chart for him so he could keep track of where he needed to be. The downside to this camp is that it really isn't for little kids and so a chaperon is required at all times... and at least tomorrow it's all me. Which sucks cuz I have so much work to do... and my laptop is too damn heavy.

Ugh.

We went to see Poppy afterwards, and went all over looking for a chocolate shake for him. BigBear met us there and we had a pleasant enough time sitting on the patio of the rehab, talking and eating. But time began to drag and I just wanted to leave. Then SD wanted to go to Target to see if the jeans they had on sale would be of use to the Sun for school. But I know Target and knew the jeans would either suck or they wouldn't have the Sun's size (cuz they never do), but while we were there I got him to buy some food and snacks for the week for camp... cuz I have no money. And this is where I really started to slide into a mood cuz I have no fucking money and I HATE needing shit from him. I hate it. And I hated being there with him and his ways of always looking for the cheapest deal, yet will go buy a movie, and needing to park way far away from everywhere cuz he hates the traffic and I just wanted to scream.

As we were coming home it began to pour down rain. And hail. A wonderful summer storm... which broke enough for the sun to be shining, causing a rainbow to appear over the Rock as we crossed the bridge. I suppose that was some kind of sign but I wanted to scream.

Finally we got home, and SD left. And then I got into a fight with the Sun who frittered away a half hour of time instead of practicing, and then the Moon came over to show him his new PSP. I could comment on that but I won't. Well, other than to say I feel bad that the Sun, who's wanted a PSP for years, has to wait until he saves enough money to buy his because I can't afford it. I explained to him why the Moon got one and he'll have to wait and he was extraordinarily mature about the whole thing. And he's got about half the money... except I keep having to borrow money from him and that slows him down. And he's earning it slowly, at $5 a week that he earns from UN taking out her trash. But... I still stand by my decisions to make him buy his own expensive toys cuz a.) I don't get mad when they break--not my money and b.) it's good for him to know early he can have anything he wants if he's willing to work for it. And sometimes it'll take him longer than his friends to have "cool shit". But on the other hand, he bought it himself. I hope that when he's a teenager it'll count for something with him, and that he'll be entrepreneurial.

So then I got a text from CNC, who earlier was debating going on her fourth or fifth date with her new guy, and wanted to have "the talk." She told me that this morning... I told her it was way too fucking early to have "the talk" and if she was feeling that way she should just not go on the date, give everyone some room to breathe and string him along some more. But she went on the date anyway. I texted back then don't be complaining when he gets what he wants and you don't. She got mad. Whatever. If you don't want to hear what I have to say, don't fucking ask me. And yeah it's easy for me to give advice cuz I'm not the one in it... and I perfectly understand being swept away and wanting to spend time with someone, but I also perfectly understand when it's not me who's being swept away, how it goes:

Hot and heavy in the beginning till he gets laid, and then all of a sudden he doesn't want a fucking relationship. So the best bet for a chick is just not to give him any. The problem with this is that grown women have needs, too. And grown women have no problem sleeping with a guy on the 2nd or 3rd date... hell even the first, and continuing to get to know him, have fun and hang out. And yeah, we probably do expect it to develop into "something", otherwise we wouldn't be sleeping with him (most of us anyway) but "relationship" can mean various things to various women and they don't always mean "I need to see you every fucking day and call you Papa". A lot of the time it means "I want to have regular sex with someone I like, and with one person I like, cuz sex with multiple partners is risky business and generally pretty nasty". But no. Men get all freaked out, cuz for them the hunt is over and basically they don't WANT to have regular sex with someone they like and want to hang out. They just want to hunt. So your best bet is just not to give him any, cuz then he'll keep hunting.

But, chicks don't like hearing it even though we know it's true. Fuck it. So I haven't heard from her since. I almost texted her again to make sure she got home OK but she's a resilient bitch and I"m sure she's fine. Besides, I have my own problems.

I'm so done with my life. Sometimes I really wonder at the point of even attempting to do anything for me. Maybe I just need to take meds, suck it up, get a regular job and be ordinary. But somehow the thought of that is worse than death.

I took some pictures at the pow ow yesterday that I'm happy with, but I'm running out of room on the hard drive and need to make space, so at some point they'll go up... taking pictures is about the only thing that makes me happy. Too bad nobody buys photography.

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