Now that the reality is here, I wonder how it's gonna play out.
I realized yesterday I really don't care about him; couldn't recall the last time he was here, or anything. The Sun however, was beside himself. He chattered on incessantly the day before, and then he couldn't sleep. I forgot... I forgot he was excited.
SD took us out to breakfast and I sat there watching them. He's come back at the right time. He needs to be part of the Sun's "everyday" and not some hero who comes riding in from far way every few months. I saw the Sun try so hard to impress him, to be cool... the admiration glowing in his little face. And then unexpected bouts of shyness.
It's going to be an adjustment for all of us... the dynamics have changed. For the most part I'm really OK with everything, so long as SD doesn't think there's hope of us getting back together. I wonder how we ever worked... I mean we didn't obviously. But we worked long enough for there to be the Sun. But we are SO different. The cool thing is that for the moment SD appears to be OK with who I am now...
Apparently they went to look at an apartment--a basement apartment in SD's old childhood neighborhood. The Sun HATED the apartment. He said the windows looked like jail, it felt like something was already there. He told his dad. When they came back later SD said for the Sun to tell me how he felt. I looked at the Sun and saw he was deadly serious. Granted, he and the Moon decided they could handle watching Discovery Channel's "A Haunting in..." and the episode about demons completely freaked him out, but still. He really didn't like the apartment. I laughed. I told SD "You should really listen to him" but he said it was all he could afford and that he'd be alright.
After he left, the Sun was near tears in his description of the place. I explained to him about it being all his dad could afford for the moment, but I said "I do understand why the apartment is all wrong for your dad... but maybe if he's only there a year--just long enough to get on his feet--he can move someplace much nicer." And the Sun seemed OK with that...
I heard a song a little while ago that put me right back in July. Which took me to August. And I don't think I can handle that. It's not that I wish for it to come back... I know that what happened was that I so badly WANTED to believe and WANTED "forever" that I allowed myself to suspend judgement. I can still cry for the hurt I felt, though... but I'm pretty solid in the reality of what "is". And more importantly, what "isn't".
I wonder what it is about us chicks that wants/expects men to confront themselves and be honest and upfront, though. Even when we know it's not the way they work. And I can sit and tell CNC that there is no way in hell the guy she had the date with is going to be OK with her saying "yes I want to sleep with you, but if I do, it's a relationship and if it's NOT a relationship I don't see the point in sleeping with you". Of COURSE he's going to say "well, I don't want a relationship" but he's still going to take it if you offer it. But I also know that telling all that to myself... knowing all that... it's still hard for me to accept.
And then I actually spoke to Cricket. He who doesn't' run away from the Crazy, he who is able to push me past my limit and more importantly, I trust him when he does.
I really wish I could be "casual" about "casual sex". Life would be SO MUCH fucking simpler...