Friday, July 24, 2009

Maybe I'm Getting There...

...maybe. My apartment is a little neater and that makes me soooo happy.

I hung out with WhiteHorse today. I like her. She made me laugh by telling me she's still trying to get used to me, figure out where I'm coming from. I told her I'm pretty simple, really...

I was stressed getting to her... She's very methodical and wanted to leave for New Jersey shops at 9. I knew I wasn't going to make it. I told her 10A. She stressed. I said I'd try. I'd also told SD I'd bring the Sun down to him (he's staying with a cousin on E.94th). I told him I was shooting for 9-9:30.

Due to various things... some within in my control and some without, like the train deciding to go local and then express again, I didn't get down to E.96th till 10:15. Which is about the time I knew I'd get there originally. And I realized... I know me pretty well. I know my timing. People stress me cuz it doesn't work for their timing, and they try to get me or force me to conform to their timing. And it doesn't work. If they just let me flow on my own timing we'd all be less stressed.

Maybe.

I had a chuckle that when I got to 96th both SD and Whitehorse were in their cars... one right behind each other on the same side of the street. I passed the Sun off to his dah, and got in the car with WhiteHorse.

In Jersey we hit IKEA, and I spent $35 I don't have on stuff I needed... two more bins to organize stuff in, a nice mat to put by the cubbies at the front door so we can take our shoes off, a handy-dandy tool to tighten up IKEA furniture with and a cinnamon bun. I wanted to buy a red file box in the Container store for my desk but had run out of funds. Next week.

Back in the city we picked up WhiteHorse's boys from camp and then I went to BigBear's cuz now I needed to borrow money for the Pow Wow tomorrow.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I'm trying to back up off the Scrub. Sometimes I think I can handle it. I can, actually, being friends. He is what he is. But he came on a little strong in a message, and between that and realizing I could still cry if I heard a certain song, I wrote him this morning and told him he needed to back up. I told him I knew where he was in his head--as always--and if he needed a friend all he had to do was call, but I can't go "there." And I told him why. He wrote back asking where I was gonna be today... and luckily I was with WhiteHorse. So I haven't heard from him since. And I'm trying to keep it that way... though the temptation for a little comfort is growing...

... yuck. The thing is I so enjoy the Cricket, and if there was a chance I'd rather wait to see how things pan out cuz he truly understands where I go in my head....

...but I'm getting really tired of spending my Friday nights alone.

Although I wasn't, for a minute cuz I went to dinner with CNC at the place across the street. It was nice to sit outside and eat a salad and have a grown up lemonade. SD brought the Sun to me there, and said hello to CNC.

We came home, the Sun and I, and went upstairs to talk to UN. She's coming with us to the Pow Wow tomorrow, in honor of the memory of Mr. Kip. And she really wanted to come... was even willing to drive. While sitting with her I got a call from SD.

And for a minute I thought "Oh fuck here we go" as he was spouting off about not wanting my friends to shoot him dirty looks when the Sun was around. But I was buzzed enough from the grown-up lemonade to not get too tense... and logic told me in the pitchdark of the outdoor seating, he really couldn't see what looks she'd be throwing and I realized it was his own insecurity in fitting back in to NY and our lives.

I told him look, I doubt it. I'll find out if she was, but I said to him that really... everybody knows we have a history. Everyone knows it was a long war. And everyone knows we've made a peace and everyone knows why you've come back. You've come back for your kid and you gave up a lot to come back. And ultimately, everyone is happy for the Sun. I told him that I highly doubted that anyone--including UN--is gonna throw shade. A LOT has happened in the last 4 years since he's been gone... and all that really matters is the Sun.

The thing is, I meant it. And the funny thing was CNC and I had JUST been talking about the horror of DV... how it changes you. She had had the same visceral reaction to Chris Brown's video that I had, the tone of his voice and the emphasis on the statement (about a minute into the video) "I TOLD Rihanna COUNTless times that I'm sorry...." made both of our hackles rise. So maybe she had thrown him a look... but I doubt it. Cuz I had just told her how we had made peace and I'm willing to take it at face value. For now.

And SD knows the unsaid... I am perfectly capable of going to war again. And I will. But I don't want to...

We hung up, friends, him perfectly OK with the Sun coming with me to the Pow Wow, and that we'd meet on Sunday to check the Sun into Mark O'Conner's violin camp...

...peace prevails....

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