Tuesday, July 24, 2007

On "Going With The Flow"

So the Prof left me a comment, and my response was getting long, so I'll just post it.

"I think you're basing that on how I used be. One thing I have learned over the past 10 years is how to roll with it. I express my opinion... loudly, and I allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling, but after that, it's all good. I can tell you the moment I let it all go; I was standing on a train platform in Bronxville, looking for a place to live. And I said "God, I give up. This is not what I saw, not what I wanted, not what I envisioned and I don't know where to go from here. So You have to tell me, and where ever You want me to be is where I'll be." And I ended up on City Island. Who knew? So I go with the flow. That doesn't mean I don't try to keep a path or a plan--and I try hard--but when it becomes apparent that it's beyond me, like this trip for the Sun... watch me flow..."

Fat Lady also made a good point, about releasing control. Because that's how I feel now. I relinquish control because fighting it will only make me crazy. One thing I REFUSE to do, in all my craziness and issues... I don't fight losing battles. I only fight when I think I can win... and as long as I think I can win I will fight to the death. Your death, by the way--not mine. Sitting in the courtroom Thursday, looking at the judge and hearing the Law Guardian go silent (a good clue that she knew she won) I realized I was beaten. At that moment. That battle. So fuck it; I lost. But I keep in mind the Ultimate Objective and that battle I will continue to fight because I think I can win. I MUST win.

So I'm going with the flow. I'm still mad. I'll be mad for awhile. I'm still frightened, but another thing I don't like is to feel frightened or bullied, and so I'll take steps to make me feel less frightened. I'm also keeping my fears separate from the Sun's, who has had restless sleeps the last three nights, and a nightmare this morning. The reality of the trip is settling in for him. And I'm a little concerned for him, but I do think ultimately he'll be OK. Because ultimately, he knows how to be adamant about what he wants. In the Judge's chambers, he was apparently adamant about not missing Schemitzun. When the Judge said "He won't miss the Pow Wow, apparently that was very important to him" she smiled, and I knew how he must have looked. And as the Professor pointed out... he wasn't adamant about NOT going to California, so until he gets to that point, I will respect his wishes. And I'll trust he'll be adamant about coming home.

So I gotta roll with the punches, see where this story ends up.

The Moon's granddad passed away yesterday; Shoefly and Whiteclogs will be departing shortly for Georgia, leaving the Moon with me. I'll be a single parent to two boys for a few days. YIKES! But once again, I laugh... I always say I refuse to be a single parent to more than one child, and look what happens... maybe that second baby I want will manifest himself somehow...(fostercare, people. Either that or I shall call his name Jesus...)

2 comments:

professor said...

I'm a hard emotionless bitch (most times) and I give you grief, but I genuinely love you and am glad you are my sister and best friend...You are doing an awesome job with what you have to work with...God will bless you like he has blessed me...keep flowing like water, cause it always leads to the big beautiful blue peaceful sea...

The Bear Maiden said...

Thank you, sis :) Love you too.