I SWEAR people suck. They just get on my nerves.
Yesterday, I get a call from Lawyer. Seems fairly certain that the other two court days will be vacated, though I still have to show up on Wednesday. OK, fine. FBB's new lawyer is known to BxFamily, so he'll get what he wants as a professional courtesy. However, FBB, who the day before "couldn't afford" to come anyway, can suddenly "afford to come" the fucking following week! Even better, he "can afford" to spend five days!
Now seriously. If you've been following the drama on my private group for lo these many years I trust that you understand the slow burn that started at the base of my neck and went straight up to the top of my head.
And if you don't know the drama and have only recently stumbled into the Black Hole that is my life, well it's just so long and involved I can't begin to go into it so you'll have to figure it out on your own.
But suffice to say I got mad. And I told lawyer that now, at this point, while I respect the fact that the lawyer needs more time (which honestly is bullshit but whatever, a game is a game and there are rules to the game) FBB himself has successfully, once again, hijacked the process.
"At least" Lawyer said "it's not about custody. It's only about visits". Yeah well, visit this.
"Custody" means jack shit to me honestly; it has just been me and the Sun living together since his inception. Visits are a whole other thing, and I never said the FBB couldn't visit. I merely said he couldn't show up at my fucking door any G-ddamned time he fucking felt like it, demanding I cancel or postpone or forget my plans merely because he had the bright fucking idea to come over that fucking minute. And, in addition, I told the FBB that when he DID show up at my fucking door, he couldn't throw shit at me/spit at me/curse me out in front of my kid/kick the door in/tell me what he was and wasn't going to do/yet not hear anything about what I was or wasn't going to do/bring my kid back any fucking time he felt like it even if it meant I had to wait 4 fucking hours until he decided it was time. Now how's THAT?
I told Lawyer that based on me hearing the judges pronouncement that there would be a trial in July, and expecting that FBB would want/have the following weekend to spend with Sun, I made plans for the rest of the summer, based on the assumption (and I should have known better cuz you know what they say about "ASS-ume") that given previous experience, the visits tend to be an every other month sort of thing. So I'd left that week clear and the immediate weekend clear... but after that, "we out!" as they say in the 'hood. Pow wows, Sea World, day camp. Things paid for. And I'm NOT changing plans so he can kiss where the pork don't go rollerskating.
OK, I said it much nicer than that; I sent her a very brief email outlining my summer plans. And before that, I told her well, FBB's lawyer's needs notwithstanding, I've just been manipulated by FBB and I'm really angry about it. And I don't believe for a second that FBB not being here next week is solely because of his lawyer. And I told her the other things I'm not budging on. I'm tired of being cooperative because I get the pressure. Nice guys finish last, because the crazy unreasonable motherfuckers--every one's afraid of them "blowing up" and nobody wants to deal with them.
And speaking of crazy unreasonable motherfuckers. I was so stressed about the FBB bullshit that my body shut down... which is what happens to me. Crazy thing. There's the mindfuckswirly thing that happens where I can't sleep, but in times of sudden stress it's like somebody flips the switch on me and I go to sleep. So we got home, and went upstairs to visit the neighbors who I haven't seen in a minute. Neighbor had volunteered to sometimes take the Sun & I to Yonkers to the new dojo, but Eldest neighbor had a really bad fall out of the bathtub, and her bloodpressure was way high so Neighbor didn't want to leave her for long. Fine, I guess that ended my internal debate on whether to go to the dojo or the beach... because I could feel myself shutting down and knew that I wasn't going to be able to get up this morning early enough to take the PublicTransportationHike to Yonkers.
So I text LittleSensei to let him know we're not coming. The return text was a little weird... and I knew that it meant he was under some pressure at the moment but no biggie... I merely texted back that I wasn't doing good myself and then I proceeded to fall asleep at the kitchen table--lights blazing, TV on, Sun dressing himself for bed. My baby; the one good man in the world. I pray that I don't corrupt him; pray the world doesn't get to him and that he can grow up to be the fulfillment of the future man I see in him now. He saw me falling asleep; got his teeth brushed and kissed me goodnight saying "Go to bed, mom. Don't do the laundry, just go to bed". And I... so worn out I couldn't even pull back the bedclothes went and "lay down" and passed out. I barely remember getting up to turn out the lights and wash my face, and got back in the bed.
Some strange noise woke me at 7A this morning and I couldn't figure out what it was... turns out the Sun figured out how to set an alarm on his phone. But in trying to discover the source of the noise, I stumble out to the living room, and my cell is displaying the return text from LittleSensei: "Wifey says you shouldn't call or text me anymore..."
Oh yeah? How 'bout I just find my kid a new dojo? How 'bout me just removing myself ALTOGETHER from a situation that's stressful enough as it is, without having to defend myself from something that I SHOULDN'T have to defend myself from... a situation in which I quite honestly and "word to my mother" did NOTHING wrong in? Truly--I got no guilt. And I REFUSE to have anybody else tell me what to do. Especially not another psycho and one I don't even know personally!
And if you have no idea what I'm talking about... don't ask cuz I'm not explaining.
And we were supposed to go to the beach; but it's 2PM and the Professor has allowed life (namely the Diva) to hijack her forward momentum... so at this point I don't see the point unless we go out to NastyBeach round here....