I'm A Little Better

...about the Sun's impending trip. Not much better, though. I still close my eyes and see the "worst case" scenarios; his father gets a bug up his ass and "loses track of time" or "gets stuck in traffic" and "oops! misses the plane." Shit he was known to do when the visits are here in NY. Or something terrible happens and I'm forced to live my life without my Sun. Consequently Friday night I didn't go to bed until the sun came up, and last night I crashed only because my body made me.

But the overwhelming emotion is anger:
  • at people who don't take/have the time to really observe my life, yet get to play God
  • at FBB, who never was a full-fledged "father", never lived with us, periodically decided he wasn't going to see the Sun because the terms weren't his, yet he gets to take him clear across the country.
  • I'm angry that 4 years, 2 judges, 3 law guardians and 4 lawyers (plus a sub or two) later, I still don't have legal custody of my own fucking son. The one who's always lived with me. The one I was alone with for most of my pregnancy, the one I was alone with at a week post-partum for days and nights at a time.
  • at God. Yes, I'm angry at God, but like Job, I won't curse Him and die. I'll take the lesson, I'll deal with it, I'll submit. I'll accept that there's a reason. But I'm pissed off about it.
Ma says "anger is depression turned inward" and it's true. Because anger turned inward has no place to go. No way to difuse. And so the Professor admitted to a certain annoyance at me because she thought I was moping. I wasn't moping. I'm angry. I was so angry Thursday that I had to force myself not to look at the Law Guardian cuz if I had, the end result would have been my being escorted out of the waiting area forcibly by several large (probably black) men. I was so angry I couldn't even cry. For a chick to be that angry is um, pretty angry, cuz it's a well-known fact that women cry when they're pissed off and can't do anything about it.

But the reality is the Sun wants to go. And the reality is that I knew this day would come because boys, unlike girls, have a need to experience their fathers. A few summers ago, Jay-Z's Black Album was out and there's a line in one of his songs about about his father. How he never really knew him but had to make a peace with him. And I remember thinking that no matter how much mommies love little boys, at some point little boys have to resolve feelings with their fathers. I've had two friends, one in real life and one in internet life, who've had to let their sons go be with their fathers. At the time, I told them they were crazy. I said if it were me, I would never let it happen. And I wouldn't have, except I was forced...

So I have to let my little Warrior Prince go. He has to see it for himself. And I just have to have faith that he'll come home on time, in one piece. Cuz if doesn't, I'll lose my mind...

The funny thing is that something clicked in me, because I readily admit that for certain things, I baby the shit out of him. But now, in the last two days, I've made him do things for himself, because I know his father won't. He has excema spots and he's got to put ointment on them. He's going to have to remember and do that for himself because his father won't. He's going to have to remember his allergy stuff, because his father never gives it to him. He's got to wash his own back because it's time. I'll get his hair braided, I'm going to take him to the dentist and get impressions made, I'm looking into GPS trackers (no, I'm not crazy... I don't trust the man) and then I'll let him go.

And then I think I'm going to have one of those "Slumber Parties"...


Jacqueline said…
hey Bear Maiden... (((hugs)))

Notfernuthin', but *I'm* angry and it's not even my situation or my son. and i think you mean your mom says, "Depression is anger turned inward." Not the other way around, no? And ummm you're allowed to be angry at God. Tell God you are angry at Him... tell Him you are trying to hold it all together and trust Him and His will... tell Him you are submitting but you're pissed off about it.

I also think daughters need their fathers - just in a different way. You are lucky [blessed!] that you have a good, special relationship with your father. Think of the times you have needed him and he has been there for you, no?

A GPS tracker is an EXCELLENT idea. How can it work? where can it be placed on the Sun? if you give him a separate phone, can it be put in there?
The Bear Maiden said…
Yup, you quoted Mom better than me; lack of sleep does that to a person :).

Daughters *do* need fathers, most certainly, but in the way we look to our mothers to define our womanhood, is the way son's look to their fathers. And a single mom of a son realizes that... you know there's stuff you can't really give them.
Fat Lady said…
I tend to believe that when really, really, really hard stuff like this happens, stuff that no one should every have to go through there's a reason for it that doesn't really have much to do with the circumstances at hand.

I think, usually, it's the universe (or God, or Mr O, or whatever you feel comfortable calling it) slapping you upside the head and making you deal with something that you've either been avoiding, or oblivious to, or straight up stubborn about.

In your case, I think it's your desire to control as much as you possibly can. I know it just seems logical and right to you to control every little thing in your world - but at some point it becomes stressful and alienating for you.

So here comes this situation that takes control away from. And it's just wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, because, of course, this is one aspect of your life where you should have control, it's your right as a mother and it's totally fucked up that it's been snatched from you. But if you can live through losing this control, it will have to be easier to let go of the little, day to day shit when it starts to pile up and stress you out.

Kids need their parents. They'll take them however they can get them or they go looking for them, one way or another, when they grow up. In an idea world the parents are sane enough to be there for their kids in the best possible way. But even when they are there in a totally dysfunctional and off the wall way, a kid will get something out of it. And sometimes, even something good.

As hard as it was growing up with my crazy-ass, seriously narcissistic mother, there are things I even like about myself a bit that I know are the direct result of being her daughter. No matter what crap there is to be dealt with, your Sun will get something good out of spending time with his father - even if it takes years to sort out what that good was.

And he'll have the experience to make decisions from going forward. Right now he has no memory of considerable time spent with him to base his desires on. And now the Sun is at an age where he will clearly remember the good, the bad and the ugly of every experience - so he'll get to make better, more real decisions.

All that said - a GPS tracker sounds just right to me. Also, you know I have some family out west, so if you want to program their numbers in his phone in case he needs someone to come and get him - just let me know.

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