I'm A Little Better

...about the Sun's impending trip. Not much better, though. I still close my eyes and see the "worst case" scenarios; his father gets a bug up his ass and "loses track of time" or "gets stuck in traffic" and "oops! misses the plane." Shit he was known to do when the visits are here in NY. Or something terrible happens and I'm forced to live my life without my Sun. Consequently Friday night I didn't go to bed until the sun came up, and last night I crashed only because my body made me.

But the overwhelming emotion is anger:

• at people who don't take/have the time to really observe my life, yet get to play God
• at FBB, who never was a full-fledged "father", never lived with us, periodically decided he wasn't going to see the Sun because the terms weren't his, yet he gets to take him clear across the country.
• I'm angry that 4 years, 2 judges, 3 law guardians and 4 lawyers (plus a sub or two) later, I still don't have legal custody of my own fucking son. The one who's always lived with me. The one I was alone with for most of my pregnancy, the one I was alone with at a week post-partum for days and nights at a time.
  
• at God. Yes, I'm angry at God, but like Job, I won't curse Him and die. I'll take the lesson, I'll deal with it, I'll submit. I'll accept that there's a reason. But I'm pissed off about it.

Ma says "anger is depression turned inward" and it's true. Because anger turned inward has no place to go. No way to difuse. And so the Professor admitted to a certain annoyance at me because she thought I was moping. I wasn't moping. I'm angry. I was so angry Thursday that I had to force myself not to look at the Law Guardian cuz if I had, the end result would have been my being escorted out of the waiting area forcibly by several large (probably black) men. I was so angry I couldn't even cry. For a chick to be that angry is um, pretty angry, cuz it's a well-known fact that women cry when they're pissed off and can't do anything about it.

But the reality is the Sun wants to go. And the reality is that I knew this day would come because boys, unlike girls, have a need to experience their fathers. A few summers ago, Jay-Z's Black Album was out and there's a line in one of his songs about about his father. How he never really knew him but had to make a peace with him. And I remember thinking that no matter how much mommies love little boys, at some point little boys have to resolve feelings with their fathers. I've had two friends, one in real life and one in internet life, who've had to let their sons go be with their fathers. At the time, I told them they were crazy. I said if it were me, I would never let it happen. And I wouldn't have, except I was forced...

So I have to let my little Warrior Prince go. He has to see it for himself. And I just have to have faith that he'll come home on time, in one piece. Cuz if doesn't, I'll lose my mind...

The funny thing is that something clicked in me, because I readily admit that for certain things, I baby the shit out of him. But now, in the last two days, I've made him do things for himself, because I know his father won't. He has excema spots and he's got to put ointment on them. He's going to have to remember and do that for himself because his father won't. He's going to have to remember his allergy stuff, because his father never gives it to him. He's got to wash his own back because it's time. I'll get his hair braided, I'm going to take him to the dentist and get impressions made, I'm looking into GPS trackers (no, I'm not crazy... I don't trust the man) and then I'll let him go.

And then I think I'm going to have one of those "Slumber Parties"...