Monday, September 1, 2008

Dish Detergent

A little over a week ago, I wrote about what it's like to realize what it is you need. That it's like walking into a store and not really knowing what it is you came in there for, and spending money and wasting time and then you get home and realize you needed dish detergent. And that now I know I need dish detergent.

The thing is, even before TomCat and all through Nene I had been working out in my head the things I really needed and wanted in life. And came to admit something that I hadn't felt in a really long time... that I want my "ride-or-die" now. And that was a bit of a revelation to me, cuz up until then I hadn't really thought about it. I assumed I'd get it... my parents have been married 46 years just about... and that's all I really know. How to ride it out with someone. But I hadn't really thought about it.

And all through the war with SD, I was so committed to beating him that I had no time for anything else. And I had to beat him... he was relentless. I knew that I had to beat him in order for there to be peace. And during that war, I profoundly didn't want a ride-or-die. And then all of a sudden, the war was over. No fanfare, no blasting of trumpets... just over.

And I guess that's about when I realized how lonely I can be.

Yeah, there's tons of good shit in my life. I'm proud of myself. I've come a really long way. I've learned a lot and I think that overall, I'm a slightly kinder and gentler person than I used to be... and I like that about me. I like that I've learned how to draw and paint and make things look good in print. Even though I'm insanely broke I like that I've been out of the fray for almost a year... and I enjoy my freedom. I'm committed to figuring out a way to stay free. I love my family... with all the belligerence and moods and snappishness and the noise level... but also with unfailing loyalty and love. That no matter what they all think or tell me, that they are always behind me. When I decided to have my baby one of the reasons I knew I could was because I knew my entire family would back me up. We roll deep... we swagger hard. We fight like cats and dogs and bears and bulls... but we make up and we're always united to the outside world. And this is good.

I love my prepubescent-slightly-smelly-and-fuzzy little boy. There is no me without him. He brought out the best in me. He opened me up to gifts I never knew I had. He's great company. He rolls with the punches. He's very insightful and intuitive.

I love my cat. Silly thing if you're not a pet person... but my cat was my company before the Sun. And he's a good cat, too.

I've got great friends. True blue women I count on... some for stability, some calm the voices, some tell me off. Some have fed me, or even clothed me, hugged me or shook me. Some come in and out of my life and some are always there.

I live in a great location for a kid to be a kid in... the kind of place that if I hadn't grown up running in yards or along the beach in Jamaica, I'd want to grow up in. I love my apartment's layout, the space, the light.

I have most of what I need, physically. Enough clothes, kitchen stuff, art stuff, furniture. As far as "stuff"... I've got more than enough. Borderline too much.

I have my health, for the most part. And in the stress of the past month I've lost weight and the working out has toned me... so for the first time in a while I'm actually pretty healthy.

So that's what's good.

On my own, I am complete. Like South America is complete, and attached to North America. But when you look at South America in context of the globe, you see that it really belongs nestled up under Africa.

And that's what's bad. I need my "ride-or-die"... my other half. The Yin to my Yang. I need it now. I didn't before, but I do now. And what was hardest about this month was realizing that.

July was a fabulous month for me. Probably one of the top 10 best of my life, right up with the February/March that I gave birth. I still believe in what I felt... and I'm not going to go into all of it cuz I don't want to. And I'm not sure why it is that God saw fit to have me experience August... which was probably the worst August I've had since the August I moved to the Rock in '94. That August, like this one, I cried in more public places than I care to recall, in front of more people than I'd like to admit. I completely lost my appetite except for what was necessary, though unlike August of '94 this August I kept my drinking to a bare minimum. Can't say that was a good thing... but sobriety was a necessity, considering the Sun.

I don't care what people say... there is no timeframe that can be set. I don't believe in scheduling emotions. All I know is I feel them completely, and go through them as best I can because the more I tried to shake it or "get over it", the harder it got... the less in control I felt.

So I still hurt. I'm still bewildered. I am questioning... my life, myself, my God. I'm a little pissed off. OK, more than a little pissed off at the unfairness of it. Why? Seriously. Why the fuck why? I REALLY could have done without the crash and burn. It set me back. I always say I don't believe in or hope for "Happy Ever After"... but secretly I do. And I hoped all over again for "Happy Ever After" and all over again was confronted with What Is.

But I know what I need now... I'm straight on that. I know what I need to feel, and I know what I miss. I know that there is no magic potion or formula or anything that will bring it to me... and there is always the possibility that I won't get it, that it's not in my destiny. I hope that God doesn't see it that way, though. But... toward the end of the week I decided that I had to grab ahold of myself cuz I was craving tequila really bad, and it was either succumb to that or go the more politically acceptable route and get legal medication.

But my friends tell me Klonopin makes you stupid and Welbutrin can make you fuzzy and fat.

My good online friend Sydney, who's been checking on me (which makes me really happy somehow) said yesterday "Plan the flight, fly the plan". Which is cool.. cuz she really does fly planes (which is something that had I had the chance I would LOVE to learn how to do. Never mind the fact that I should probably learn to drive first.). I suppose that the flight plan can be a good one or a bad one... but the other day I decided that now that I definitely know I want and need a "ride-or-die", and I know what I need in that person, and I know how I need to feel... I need to make room for it.

And I knew I couldn't start it by myself cuz it was just too overwhelming. So I asked, and today Bigbear and the Professor came up, and I told them what I needed them to do to start me off... and it was accomplished. I gave up my grandparents silver and china to sis, who is much more the person to have that stuff and to use it than I am right now... and I threw out stuff and got other stuff together to donate/have a yardsale with. It wasn't a huge start, but it was enough of a start to keep me focused. I didn't cry once. Even better, I didn't feel the need to. When they left I had a moment... but then it was time to corral the Sun and get him ready for tomorrow... when school starts.

There's a lot more to do... files to go through, closets to clear out. But I'm making room.

Cuz at least I know I need dish detergent now.

So I'm not "better"... but at least I'm moving... and I didn't cry once today.

1 comment:

RoadGrl said...

I've been following along as well, and feeling your despair.
I'm glad to hear your 'flight plan' because it means you're moving, and motion is life.
Funnily, our good friend I (who lives nearby to Bigbear, I think I've mentioned him) has been in some kind of funk for a long while since he was surplussed. Oh sure, he's been working, but not anything that was enough to pay rent, etc. He finally told D that he got his resume together and was just going to go out and get a job, and then got a call from an old industry friend, now's got a steady gig.
So the very fact that you are ready for what you need is good, but understand it may take a while to get there, and that's just as hard sometimes.
much love,
DrDonna