Monday, September 15, 2008

Sometimes It's Easy

and sometimes it's not, and I was doing OK and then things got a little strange. For one thing, SD is here... and while we're friendly, there are still some things that really get under my skin about him. Which is a relief... because we've been so "lovey dovey" with each other it tends to make me lose sight of what it was exactly that pissed me off about him.

And yet I don't ever forget... it's always sitting there in the back of my mind. It's strange. He is my Beloved's father... and there were times we got along great and times I loved him... but there were so many more times when being around him made me bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from screaming. And the court case and the war only ended in what... May, June? It was so anticlimactic that I haven't even marked it in my mind... but it's odd to go from bitter war to truce in just a few months. And no, I didn't go to dinner with them. I'm going with the flow but it's an uneasy peace.

He got in Friday morning, early enough to attend the PA meeting at the school. I brought the Sun and Moon in to school, along with the Sun's clothes for the weekend, and SD and I stood together while I pointed out all of the Sun's school friends. And then we sat beside each other at the PA meeting, and I introduced him to the parents that were there. And we saw TomCat, who was cordial but working. It was all pretty mundane.

Later, TomCat (we speak... but that's it pretty much) asked me if SD was staying with me. "HELL FUCKING NO!" I said... with an emphasis that seemed to surprise TomCat.

Which leads me briefly to something, which is... it still sucks, being around him. TomCat I mean. I keep having flashbacks of how very sure I was of him. How real it was for me... and I don't really think it was "unreal" for him... but I have a feeling that he's damaged goods and unwilling to heal himself. He says he's working on stuff... but I dunno. The cynic in me says "actions speak louder than words" and his actions aren't real promising.

And I'm not saying much more than that about it, but it was an interesting moment to be in between two people... one who I would prefer to have nothing to do with except for the fact that we have a child in common and so we must... and one who I would give my heart to if he let me.

SD came by with the Sun on Saturday to drop off stuff and pick up more stuff. I was outside my front door with Thumbelina attempting to pawn my crap off on unsuspecting passersby for a small fee (a sidewalk sale). So when they came by, I couldn't really entertain them. SD was very reluctant to enter the apartment at first (and I was reluctant to let him in... cuz you know with Vampires once you let them in you can't get them out), but they wanted to unhook the Sun's PlayStation to take to the hotel room, and I wasn't about to do it. The TV is heavy and I'd plugged the PS into the back of the stereo receiver which is hooked up to the TV and it was gonna be a pain to move and unhook all that. But SD was relentless... and so pulled everything out to unhook it. And I could feel my stress level begin to rise. It's one of the things that was guaranteed to start some kind of a fight back in the day... but somehow I figured I'd just let it go, and went back outside. And to his credit, he was neat and put everything back. Except there's no way I'm gonna hook it back up the way I had it.

But anyway. It was a turning point, I guess. A milestone. I combed the Sun's hair and they took off... the Sun glowing that his dad had been able to come to the house, into his room, and that he was able to touch base with me.

Thumbelina said later he's on lithium. She herself has a long history of mental issues and diagnoses (but her final diagnoses is manic/depressive and multiples and rage issues) and so I believe her. She would know. But I can say that whatever he's on... he's definitely in a better place than he's been in a while. But he still makes me uneasy.

I made a whopping 20 bucks or so... and $10 of it came from Thumbelina who is also a shopaholic and has 300 pairs of jeans. She donated some to sell and gave me the money. And a few dollars was from a few Hotwheels of the Sun's I sold at 2/$1. He has a huge box of them. I put $6 in his sock drawer.

Thumbelina is awesome. She's an extremely generous person, and not only did she sit with me for most of the day, but she helped me pack up all the crap that didn't go anywhere, load it into her car and drove it down the street to the church, where we donated it. Awesome. Tons of crap gone. Next, I'm starting on my filing credenza....

And then I put on the dress the TomCat bought me back when were first fooling around with each other, and took the train into the city and met Fluffernutter at his job. When we were in school he had long black hair, and I guess after he broke up with the girlfriend he cut it ALL off. But he's still cute. And still really really nice... and all the (very young) people he works with are also pretty cool and we all went out to eat and then ended up in some bar in the east Village. And I drank way too much, and way too many different things rather than sticking to tequila. Mainly cuz tequila--GOOD tequila--is way expensive.

So I got pretty tanked. And I may have had a slightly better time if one of the younger co-workers of Fluffernutter hadn't been blatantly trying to push up on him, and he was digging the attention and I'm too old (and so not in the mood) to fight that kind of thing. Especially not after TomCat.

About 3A, I got in a cab home. The minute I walked in the door at home, I realized I lost my friggin Treo. Drat. And an earring. I took my two Excedrin and stayed up as long as I could, and then went to bed. I find that procedure wards off nasty hangovers.

This morning I got up pretty early, drank coffee, took a shower and then hit a brick wall. I accomplished nothing today, other than reporting my phone lost to Sprint. Thank God I had insurance on the thing, so for a $50 deductible they'll send me out a new Treo... even the same color I had before. Awesome. Except I have to wait for it to get here... and I'm phoneless till then cuz Sprint doesn't do loaner programs (which I didn't find out till later).

But the loneliness sucked today. I think I'm at the point of realizing that there are things about TomCat specifically that I miss... and miss really badly. But overall I'm really fucking tired of living alone. Or rather, without another adult. And more specifically, having a partner. And so I miss the fact that for one shiny moment I had it-- what I wanted, and I allowed myself to be wholehearted about it, and it wasn't the real thing. And I am really disappointed. I've talked to my close friends... ones who bitch about their life partners and question whether they should stay in the relationships they are in. And what I try to explain to them is... but you HAVE something worth wondering about. There are reasons to stay in the relationship despite the problems... and as long as there are reasons (particularly when love is a reason) it's worth trying for. As long as there isn't abuse, or the terrible sense of being lonely when you're in the same room (cuz I've had that feeling and THAT sucks worse than being actually being alone), it's worth getting through it.

I'd seen a re-run of an "Ellen" show recently, and Will Smith was on. Ellen had asked him how he and Jada Pinkett-Smith have managed to stay together in Hollywood, and his response was that they had both decided that divorce wasn't going to be an option. And that when you took the option to leave out of the equation, whatever hardships you faced the question will never be "Should I leave now?" but rather "OK, how are we going to get through this?" I've seen that with my parents.... Poppy jokes that the reason they have managed to stay together 45 years is because he was too lazy to leave, and Bigbear was too stubborn to quit. It may not sound like a good reason... but the bottom line is that for both of them, leaving wasn't an option. And I know that when I got married... I remember telling myself I had the option to leave. And I ended up leaving... because I knew from the git he wasn't someone I should have married. But I was much younger then....

I had tried to explain this to TomCat once, and he was unconvinced. And I think that pretty much sums up what happened to us. But it still sucks. And I felt it today and it was immobilizing, because there ain't shit I can do but go through it.

Then the Sun calls and says he and his dad want to come by and drop more stuff off and pick up the Sun's Jet jersey. But I had decided to go to the Sprint store and see if I could get a loaner... and Thumbelina had offered to drive. Which worked GREAT for me, because the LAST thing I want SD to think is that he can come and go as he pleases, and that I'll wait for them like I used to. Cuz he used to hijack my day. So I called them to say go by Shoefly's and I would leave the jersey there.... and SD got a little annoyed cuz he couldn't understand why I couldn't "just wait 20 minutes". Uh no... I can't. Thumbelina is driving and there will be traffic and I have to get there by 6P and I don't want to jack up her day. That Shoefly was OK with hosting "stuff", and to just go over there.

I know it annoyed him cuz when I called him later he put the Sun on the phone and wouldn't talk to me. Oh well!!! But I was glad I stuck to my guns.

And then later... not too long ago tonight I had a brief online chat with Fluffernutter, in which I told him I'd had a good time, even though I lost my phone AND it cost me $40 to get home. He said I should have just crashed at his house... and I said I would have except I detected that Chickie was trying to push up on him. And he made me laugh by saying that indeed she had... and that for a minute he was going with it but she was trying too hard and he got bored and that he doesn't like doing hook-ups anyway. And I remembered again why I'd liked him before. He's just nice. And more honest than a lot of other people. So we agreed to hang out again with less booze and more art. Well, more art. So that made me feel a little better.... and we have always had nice conversations.

In a few hours I'm walking up the street to a sailmaking place out here on the rock, to see if I can get a part time job...

And then I go get my Peanut, who I have missed so very much.

And I got through the past few days and only cried a couple of times... and not while I was drunk, either. Which is a good sign...

1 comment:

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

Now u know how Kermit the frog felt being green