Saturday, September 20, 2008

Still Here...

...about the same place as Thursday. My mother is now stressing about me, but she tends to the melodramatic. I'm OK. Not happy... with a lot of things, trying to put them all in perspective. Shit doesn't heal overnight. A cut only takes a second, but it can take months to heal and I guess that's about where I'm at.

But I AM healing.

Just slower than I'd like... but I think it's cuz my resistance was down to begin with. But I want my "happy" back... and I DO know I'm the only person who's going to get it for me.

I've decided to dye the back of my hair deep purple. It's cheaper and less permanent than a tattoo, and less painful than a tongue piercing. Maria my hairdresser was even excited.

I'm kinda at a standstill today... but I'm getting there.

I know what I need in life... I know it in my soul. And I'll be OK... at some point.

But I'm alive right now, dammit, and sometimes that's all that matters....

Oh... the other day, Tuesday, was the first anniversary of Mr. Kip's passing. Upstairs neighbor returned from South Africa early the day before. She got up on Tuesday and finally took out all of his clothes. On Friday I went with her and Thumbelina to get our hairs did, and we had a pleasant time.

The Sun is growing; his face is changing, the fuzz on his lip a little more pronounced. His feet are starting to smell. The cleft in his chin is deepening. I notice that when he showers, um, he's a little more grown-up looking than he used to be. It helps that his father and I are talking, because I'm going to need a man's hand as the kid gets bigger. And he's gonna be big. SD said he sent a check for violin lessons, which helped me tremendously. We're getting his health insurance coverage through the child support order finally straightened out. We have to plan the Christmas visit which I'm unhappy about but I have other things to worry about.

The principal noticed that the Sun's handwriting is not on the same level as his reading. At all. And the violin teacher has been complaining about his bow-hold for years. The professor said "Sounds like dysgraphia" when I mentioned it her... and so I mentioned it to the principal and we agreed to have the school OT take a look. But otherwise he's great.

I discovered last night that the clocks keeping me awake are BOTH the clock in the Sun's room and the clock in the bathroom... one ticks, and the other tocks right after it. I'd left my bedroom door open cuz Cat stayed up with UN and Thumbelina so he could go mousehunting. Once I identified the sound, it faded into the night and I fell asleep, about two hours earlier than I had been.

I miss TomCat. I miss the time we had... the understanding of each other that we had and how good that felt... but I was wrong about the rest of it. Very wrong... and I HATE being wrong. So the question is... what made me believe so much when I even spelled out the whole sequence of events from the beginning? And that, my dear readers, is my own damn problem. I'm following the strands into the deepest darkest of my own psyche... and I know where it leads but I'm not sure I'm gonna share just yet.

But I do know I'm ready, mentally for my own "Ride or Die"... but I have to make room for him in my life. I had blocked up a lot of holes in fight against TF/SD. Wore rings on every finger... even my ring finger. I'm even contemplating taking off some of my rings... I've already stripped down some of my bracelets.

I have to attack my closets and my filing cabinets still. Putting it off cuz it seems a daunting task. And nobody can really do it but me.

I have a path... I just have to get the energy to follow it and some days it's easier to do than others. But I have a path.

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