Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Yesterday I Managed....

not to cry.

Today... not so good. I got my Sun up to school; Shoefly and the Moon and us traveled in to the city together. My little man is in 4th grade. Big, fuzzy boy...

I sat with Fatlady and OneHalf and some other PA folk, welcoming new parents to our school.

I came home afterwards, and worked for two hours on the logo project that I'm not enjoying so much.

I went back and got the kid. I managed, through all this, not to cry though I wanted to.

Brought my little one home and lost it... right there in front of him, sitting at the kitchen table. He was very sweet and grown and gave me hugs. I told him I'd be OK... but sometimes grownups get sad.

I guess maybe I'm starting to get a little angry, and that doesn't help. I'm still bewildered.

I really want for this to be over, for this feeling to go away. I feel like I have the flu or something--you know, when you're so annoyingly sick but there's nothing much you can do... antibiotics don't work on viruses. You just have to sleep and drink fluids and pray for relief.

I'm praying for relief.

I probably shouldn't even write all this, make this so public... but I started writing to keep me sane and I think it's still working...

fuck it. Everybody has bad days and bad times right? It's nothing new...

4 comments:

SewPaula said...

My dear friend,
Sometimes relief comes a little at a time. Focus on the next minute, the next small task, the next line you draw (or in my case, the next stitch I take). You're going through the stages of grief for your loss and the anger is probably normal (the Professor can probably attest to this).

Just keep swimming and eventually you will find or learn to look for bubbles of joy again. I got through two miscarriages and all the various problems of the Divine Miss this way by trying to get through just one moment at a time -- hang in there, my friend, and you will make it. And you will be stronger in the end.

Love, SewPaula

Fat Lady said...

Damn. You know I had this feeling that I should wait around for you. I kept dragging my feet, trying to wait. But Sugar was being a royal pain in the ass - she was almost bordering on bitchy, which I have no patience for. And so I left. I wish I had stayed.

You will come through this. Crying is not a bad thing, it's cleansing.

But I remember feeling that kind of pain for various reasons - and it sucks. You just have to feel it until you don't feel it anymore. And that can take a minute. But you will feel good again. Probably even better than ever.

Natalie said...

Aw, hey now, sometimes crying's the only thing you can do. It can definitely be cleansing.

Of course, SewPaula and FL have such kind and loving words - the right words, I'm sure - so I'll defer to them, but send you hugs and whatever else I can manage.

Jacqueline said...

EVERYBODY has bad days and all for different reasons. My day yesterday was horrible as well. I cried and cried and cried too. It's ok. I understand. (((((hugs))))