Today (well, now yesterday since it's after midnight) was a MUCH better day. Tuesday sucked. Hopeless. I hate cracking in front of my kid... visions of books with titles like "Why Is Mommy Crying?" jump into my head and I wonder if I should buy them. But my family has never hid emotion from each other...
...I remember once sitting at the kitchen table in our house at 38 Montgomery Ave in Kingston; my sister, myself, my Mom and Poppy, and all of a sudden Poppy burst into tears. We looked up in surprise and he said "I miss my mommy". She had died when he was 19. I remember all of us surrounding him with hugs...
so I don't feel too badly, cuz I told The Sun I know I'll be OK... it's just stuff I have to work through. And I did tell him a little bit about the things that were making me sad.
But today was better. I fell asleep Tuesday night (well really Wednesday morning) having a conversation with the Higher Power. I don't ask for much, generally. I try to remember to say "Thank you" for things... big and small... and to be honest, I'd kinda gotten lax on the "Thank You's" lately. So I apologized for that, and I asked for clarity. There's some stuff I need clarity on. Like when I was in school... about halfway through and broke as hell, behind in the rent. It was winter. I was fighting SD. I was supposed to go to Foodstamps that day but it was snowing. And I had to call the Foodstamp office to make sure they weren't closed. I remember standing at the window that morning, looking at the grey, and crying. I asked the Higher Power that day for a sign... a definitive sign, to let me know I was doing the right thing. Because if I wasn't... if I was sacrificing my kid and my sanity and going broke on a path I wasn't meant to be following, I was going to quit, get a job, go back to "reality". And I asked for a sign to let me know that I was supposed to stay in school.
That very same day.... not only did the Foodstamp office stay open ("I'm answering the phone, aren't I?" the bitchy lady said when I asked if anyone was there working that day) but I got a letter from a church outreach program letting me know they gave me a grant of $750.
So I know for a fact that when you ask the Higher Power, in desperation and in tears, for a sign... you'll get one.
And I got one bright and early this morning... 8:46A to be exact. And then another one later in the day.
And the Clarity I got was... I need to decide what I want. Cuz it's not them, it's me. And I'm 100% certain about what I want. I'm about 95% certain of who I want it from. OK, maybe 90%, since 5% is fear I'm not seeing clearly and 5% leaves me open to wonder.
But I didn't cry once today.