Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Ups And Downs, A Carousel

Today (well, now yesterday since it's after midnight) was a MUCH better day. Tuesday sucked. Hopeless. I hate cracking in front of my kid... visions of books with titles like "Why Is Mommy Crying?" jump into my head and I wonder if I should buy them. But my family has never hid emotion from each other...

...I remember once sitting at the kitchen table in our house at 38 Montgomery Ave in Kingston; my sister, myself, my Mom and Poppy, and all of a sudden Poppy burst into tears. We looked up in surprise and he said "I miss my mommy". She had died when he was 19. I remember all of us surrounding him with hugs...

so I don't feel too badly, cuz I told The Sun I know I'll be OK... it's just stuff I have to work through. And I did tell him a little bit about the things that were making me sad.

But today was better. I fell asleep Tuesday night (well really Wednesday morning) having a conversation with the Higher Power. I don't ask for much, generally. I try to remember to say "Thank you" for things... big and small... and to be honest, I'd kinda gotten lax on the "Thank You's" lately. So I apologized for that, and I asked for clarity. There's some stuff I need clarity on. Like when I was in school... about halfway through and broke as hell, behind in the rent. It was winter. I was fighting SD. I was supposed to go to Foodstamps that day but it was snowing. And I had to call the Foodstamp office to make sure they weren't closed. I remember standing at the window that morning, looking at the grey, and crying. I asked the Higher Power that day for a sign... a definitive sign, to let me know I was doing the right thing. Because if I wasn't... if I was sacrificing my kid and my sanity and going broke on a path I wasn't meant to be following, I was going to quit, get a job, go back to "reality". And I asked for a sign to let me know that I was supposed to stay in school.

That very same day.... not only did the Foodstamp office stay open ("I'm answering the phone, aren't I?" the bitchy lady said when I asked if anyone was there working that day) but I got a letter from a church outreach program letting me know they gave me a grant of $750.

So I know for a fact that when you ask the Higher Power, in desperation and in tears, for a sign... you'll get one.

And I got one bright and early this morning... 8:46A to be exact. And then another one later in the day.

And the Clarity I got was... I need to decide what I want. Cuz it's not them, it's me. And I'm 100% certain about what I want. I'm about 95% certain of who I want it from. OK, maybe 90%, since 5% is fear I'm not seeing clearly and 5% leaves me open to wonder.

But I didn't cry once today.

4 comments:

SewPaula said...

Good for you. That is the first step. FWIW, I'm sort in the same boat -- only I am not even close to 100% of knowing what I want. I just know I don't want what I got anymore (my job, mostly).

Hang in there.

Natalie said...

I remember that day - the snowy day and the bitchy lady at the FS office, or at least, I remember when you posted about it. I'd forgotten about the grant, though - it all does come together sometimes, doesn't it?

I think I'm a little lost about what's going on - I'll have to go back and read some of your more recent blog posts, I think.

But not at 2 am. Or at least, not THIS 2 am. :D

Hugs and PVs and all that, comin' atcha.

BigBear said...

You need to go to sleep at night. You're sleep deprived and have been for years and now it's affecting you. If you get up at 5:00am, good but you got to sleep. And you have to go thru your junk one pile at a time, "You are the world and the world is you", your environment refects your mind and right now, you're not organized. go to sleep at noght, get up, get yr kid to school and then tackle your mess, it aint the dude that's making you cry, that's your subterfuge you know it and so do I Guerly, get it done, you can, for your kid, he needss a whoe healthy Ma, and why you haven't been back to Karate?

The Bear Maiden said...

No, Mother, it's not just the dude. I've said that several times already. And it's not the sleep. I sleep fine--when I get in the bed. And no, I'm not organized... that's why I asked you to come up and help me. And I'll go back to karate next week when all the new schedules get in place. The Little one couldn't handle all that this week--and neither could I.