Post #601

I hadn't realized my previous post was my 600th.

That's an awful lot of rambling.
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Friday, I went and got purple put in the back of my head. It was really really dark... so you can't really tell but I actually like the color. But it was such a dark purple I came home and rinsed some of it out with conditioner, and today I noticed that it seems to be "settling in" and is looking REALLY FUCKING PURPLE. I love it. In a day or so I'll take a picture and post it.

Friday night, I hung out with Fluffernutter again. Shoefly was supposed to go to the Sugarland concert with her hubby WhiteClogs (although he's not really a whiteclog anymore... he's more back into being a Florida redneck but I have to think of another name for him) and a couple who live across the street from them. The couple has three boys, and the Moon's older sister was going to babysit all the boys in the couple's house. But Sugarland got rained out.... but I had already told Fluffernutter I was coming down, so Shoefly nicely kept the Sun for me.

I'm making it a point to just GO OUT. I'm never gonna meet anybody in my living room. I mean, I've investigated the online dating services but I gotta tell you... not too many Africanamerican or "Other" men tend to frequent it. Mostly, middle-aged white dudes. And I don't dislike middle-aged white dudes... but on my list of necessary things for my Ride or Die, a man's got to be able to hang out wherever... and often, "wherever" includes 'Two-Five, or Third Ave in the Bronx, or 103rd in Manhattan or El Barrio. And most of the middle-aged white dudes look like they wouldn't be too comfortable in those places, no matter what they say. Hispanic men seem to list profiles but I dunno. I don't think I'm quite "there" yet for online dating anyway... at least not yet.

So I went out. I had to go to the school Open House/Curriculum night first, where I decided I really like the Sun's new teachers. I had to laugh at how nonchalant I am about everything... when I was nine I was hanging out in Kingston in other people's houses (cuz we had been evicted from our own), not going to school, reading on my own, writing stories, learning math by adding up the household shopping list. Science consisted of digging up "nannybugs" (which after some serious Google-digging, I think are actually antlion larvae or "doodlebugs" in the States... um, EWW!) or digging lizard eggs out of hollow twigs, and Social Studies was observing how people lived.

So methods and processes of learning are interesting... but I don't tend to get up as worked up about all that as the other parents do. I figure, I learned. And the Sun is already learning more and learning easier processes than I did, so what the hell. I found myself dozing off during the Literacy Lecture. I trust them, the teachers. The Sun is doing well. His handwriting sucks, but so does his father's and mine isn't too legible either, so he'll learn to type. I type about 100 words a minute... last I checked. And that was before spellcheck.

Then I invited myself over the FatLady's to kill time before I went downtown... Fluffernutter didn't get off till 10P. I watched the first half hour of the debate... which was largely boring but I still think Obama looked a lot more presidential than the other guy. And he's cool as hell. He doesn't break under pressure, doesn't sneer, doesn't get condescending. I like that in a person.

Once downtown, I was still trying to get to G&G to go salsa dancing, but it wasn't that kind of night... and I needed to eat. So we walked over to some pub in SoHo, but the kitchen was closed and it was in the process of becoming a dance club. We found a corner at the bar, and he drank Southern Comfort and I drank margaritas (to water down the tequila) and we just talked. About art, about needing to create, about how it sucked to give a whole lot to relationships and be the ones that get left. We never got to eat until 2:30 or so when we went for pizza. Gotta love New York with the all-night pizza joints, that are more crowded at that time of the morning than they are during the day.

Fluffernutter has this theory that people like us should only give 20% into early relationships, rather than the 100% we are inclined to. He said that our 20% is equal to other people's 100%, and so by giving only 20% we save ourselves heartache... and the other person will never know the difference. It made me laugh... but I ended up thinking about that all weekend. Cuz you know I'm all-or-nothing... but obviously that's not working.

About halfway through the night I found myself wondering how close we could actually get, he and I... but the thing is I like hanging out with him and just wandering around SoHo... and if I allowed myself to get close it would just get messy again. He and I both have said we don't do the casual thing real well... so I kept air between us. It wasn't that hard. I like him. When he first left Pratt and I was still there and we hung out, I had a HUGE crush on him. But now, it's much easier than that. No butterflies... no yearning. Just "like". But a lot of "like", and I'd like to keep that for a while.

Plus, I still miss ThatOtherDude... and almost had a moment when the dj played two songs back-to-back that will forever remind me of the Summer of '08. But... I held it back. Fuck it. Even Fluffernutter said, when we compared war stories (and his is bad... his ex lives next door) to let it go. And when a dude tells you "let it go", well... you gotta listen.

At 3A I got in a cab home... this time I made it home with my phone. The cab ride KILLED my budget... but I wanted to come home.

The next day, Saturday, I did muchanuthin. Shoefly sent the boys over to me about 3 when she couldn't stand their bickering anymore. Those two are funny. They fight, they kick each other out, they threaten to leave. But then they want to come back. They call each other "Brother from another mother". I hope they'll always be that way...

I got dressed, and rather than do the 100 other things I had to do, I sat with the boys at the kitchen table and made stuff out of Femo clay. Fluffernutter inspired me to do something creative; he always reminds me of why I went to Pratt. He's still enthusiastic about creating and drawing... I guess he's surrounded my more artists on a daily basis than I am. I forget, in the hullaballoo and survival of my every day. But he reminds me and it's cool. The Sun and Moon both made dragon-type creatures which were really very good--the Moon's especially, and I just made beads... couldn't think of anything else. But it was nice to do something like that... and very nice to do it with the boys.

Saturday night I had one long dream about giving up on ThatOtherDude, and me telling him why. Like that's neccesary.

Sunday, I got up and cleaned Puerto Rican Style... salsa music blaring, using Fabuloso with a rag on my hands and knees. Very therapeutic, and it's really the only way to keep my bathroom from smelling like the boys bathroom at school. I did laundry and made a roasted butternut squash soup with green bananas. It came out pretty good...

I finally admitted out loud that I hate Sundays. I feel the loneliest on Sunday, for various reasons, and plus, the day always gets away from me without me doing everything I need to.

It rained today, too. Buckets. But, I wasn't as depressed as I have been. The blackness didn't swallow me, even in the rain... and I'm still on my ride or die mission... this week when the kids are off for Rosh Hashana, I'm gonna attack my closets. You know, make room...

But tomorrow (well, in a few hours) I'm gonna go sew batten pockets for sails...

Comments

the dragon like creatures were symbols of love and congrats on 600
Janet said…
So...how was the sewing???
BigBear said…
Sundays hard, but using them to do something creative really helps. Hey, I got the HI-Speed thanks to you and I even cancelled my NetZero account like a good girl

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