...I am. Somehow. Resigned again to the fact that there is no happy ever after, the snake always bites the person who saved it, the leopard can't change it spots, and it's likely you'll kiss a thousand frogs in your lifetime. Period.
Numbness creeping back in... but at this point it is such a welcome relief from the rawness that was August. Tears come less... and it actually requires a little effort. Which is good.
And besides there are more important things to worry about, like the fact that all of a sudden I am in the worst financial shape I've been in since I was at Pratt, and I've got to finish cleaning and reorganizing my apartment, and SD will be here this weekend.
SD had sort of asked if maybe the Sun and he and I could all go to dinner... ogodno. I can't go through that again. I only told him politely, "yeah maybe" cuz I couldn't think of a good "no" answer fast enough... but ever since then I've been trying to line up activities to keep me off The Rock.
One of them is Fluffernutter... my old crush from Pratt. I highly doubt anything interesting will come of it, since he tends to the "cute, dark-eyed and perky" Hispanic type chick, which I am decidedly not, but we're sort of in the same boat emotionally and it might be nice to hang out, outside my comfort zone. And we always had a good time hanging out. I actually hope it works out.
Nene, the cocky bastard, has the nerve to be gloating over all this... if you can believe it. He called a few times to see how I was and when I told him I wasn't, he gleefully said "well, you knew it was gonna happen... you knew he was the 'hit it and quit it' type". To which I replied "well, but after awhile it hadn't seemed that way, and besides, you know how I am... I only do one thing at a time". And he said quietly "yeah, I know..." which was really nice of him because it meant he does know how I am. I have to say... I appreciate him even more now, because his honesty was unfailing. I value that in a person. And I'm sad to see (although it should give me a little joy, I guess) that what I predicted for him with his return to babymamma is true... she's back to taking over his life, and in my mind he's getting short shrift. But he's OK with it... which just makes you wonder why people live the lives they do...
We went back to karate today, the Sun and I... the Sun protesting mightily. But it felt good to work out again and to feel physical pain rather than mental pain, and I only wimped out on a few things but not nearly as many things as I thought I would wimp out on. In the dressing room changing out of my dripping wet t-shirt, I noticed that I'm almost happy with the way I look again. Depression can be a really useful appetite suppressant. So see, there's good in everything... BigSensei noticed the weight loss and said that now all we have to do is tone.
Halloween SlutQueen Outfit, here I come.
The Sun and I are adjusting to the school schedule... getting all his various activities lined up and scheduled. He wanted to drop violin but I can't let him... he's gone too far to quit, and now he's in the junior ensemble at Opus. I got a call the other day informing me he needed to come to practice since the ensemble will be playing at Carnegie Hall in October.
He only shrugged his shoulders when I told him... it meant nothing to him but to me... WOW!!! HOW FRIGGIN' KEWL!!!!
Oh, and Poppy flies out to Cleveland tomorrow to accept his lifetime achievement award from the Anisfield-Wolf book awards... His picture is up on the site now, the one I took.
And that's about it. I'm still really sad and disappointed at the way things turned out but whatever. I did know it was gonna happen. And I'm pretty certain that I'm OK with walls again... at least for the time being. Till the next time...
And at least now I know I need dish detergent.