for the moment, I guess.
Still internally warring, still wondering. Still moments of being fundamentally happy, and others of being severely panicked. And then sometimes the thud of anticipated crashing. I know it's silly. I know it shouldn't be this big a deal. I know the Fat Lady's right... after all this, I could be the one to decide it really wasn't what I wanted anyway. And then at that point I'll feel inordinately silly for all the energy I've expended worrying.
I am an all-or-nothing chick, though, that's the thing. I know what I want when I see it... I know what I want to feel again. And the problem is I feel it now.
But whatever. Ain't shit I can do about it but take the ride, I guess. And pray.
For the moment I still think I won't tell too much, just in case, but I will say that there are fundamental kindnesses and joys that I haven't had in sooooooo long. And not just to me, but to my Sun, and I worry about that too. He's never known "family." I realized the other day he probably doesn't ever remember seeing me kiss someone (not that he has, yet) or hold someone's hand (which he's seen) and in a way that makes me sad. I would love for him to have that, to know what it's like to have a family unit. It's always been just me and him. He's asked me "will Tomcat be here in the morning?" and sometimes I tell him I don't know... the other night I kissed him goodnight and said "I know you like him, and I like him, too... but we're both going to have to be patient and see what happens..."
*sigh*. So much for being responsible and keeping it away from my kid. But we're a unit, me and the kid.
This morning I woke up earlier than I have been, and got myself together. The Moon came over early and I got the Sun up so that by the time UpstairsNeighbor came downstairs we were dressed. I just had to give the boys bagels for breakfast, and we were on our way. She had to close Mr. Kip's bank account at his credit union, and I didn't want her to go alone. Thumbelina, who has usually been accompanying her on these errands, is away.
We took the train into the City, and waited for her outside the credit union while she did what she had to do. I know it was difficult, but she was smiling when she came out. She said the credit union people were very nice and efficient, and I'm sure that helped.
We walked up Columbus Avenue and found a place to eat. The Sun and Moon were, in all actuality, pretty well behaved all things considered but they're at the very annoying ages of 9 and 10, and quite frankly they tire me. To prove a point not to mess with me, I wouldn't take them to Barnes and Noble after lunch and instead we walked up to 79th and Columbus where we met Bigbear and MoodmagicBarbie. We walked over to the Museum of Natural History.
Bigbear was using a CultureCard that the Professor got through her job, so we pretty much got into the museum for $8.50 but Bigbear had wanted to see the Horse exhibit, specifically.
$18.75 per adult, the museum wanted. Are they NUTS? Who can afford that??? So we walked instead through the Hall of African Mammals, the Amphibian exhibit, the Eastern Woodlands Indians and the Plains Indians exhibits and the Pacific Islanders. I was wore out. Luckily, the Professor drove up from work and met us outside the museum, and kindly drove us back to the Rock. I fell asleep in the back seat.
I made lamb chops and warmed up potatoes and greens to go with, and fed the boys before 8P. From 8:29 today until 8:29 tomorrow I'll be fasting... yes, folks it's that time of year for me again.
I guess all there really is for me to do is to go and live my life and be me...
And HEY! NBC has started running ads for Heroes, again. I am beside myself with joy....