Saturday, July 5, 2008

In Case You Haven't Realized It By Now

...I've come to the secret (now not so secret) conclusion that in addition to my narcissistic tendencies, I also have bi-polar ones. Listen... my sister is a clinical therapist. I have access to the DSM IV, and I can read. I know a "low" when I feel one, and I know a "high" when I feel one. I know it's why there are times I can't sleep. I know sometimes it impacts my ability to function and it's why I only halfway joke about meds. But I don't think I'm in need of full-blown meds yet, cuz tendencies aren't the actual disorder.

Yesterday was a really bad day... really really bad. I fed my kid a can of ravioli to eat and water to drink, cuz I didn't have the ability to cook anything. Aside from not having anything to cook but that's a different issue.

But then the Tomcat came back. We had been in contact throughout the day--he's not an alley cat and he keeps track... so I knew he had intentions of coming back but I was feeling so badly I'd had half a mind to send him on his way. I don't like bringing people into my hell. But... I'm trying to take things for what they're worth, trying to be open, trying to free myself from fear. I do know that my hell is of my own making.

There are people who can talk the voices down... it's odd who can do it. Poppy can do it. My friend Beautiful Hair (who I miss desperately and haven't spoken to in a long while) can do it. The Fat Lady can do it. And often, I recognize very quickly the folks who can.

The Tomcat can do it. And he came and talked the voices down. I can't say I believe it all... but somehow he says really logical shit and has a comeback for everything and he beat the voices back. So rather than screaming and talking over each other, they receded, reluctantly, grumbling and hissing, but they backed down.

And here I'm going for honest. I know I have new readers now but I can't stop writing what I feel because when it's all said and done, I started writing this blog to give the voices someplace to go... and I can't stop because if I do they'll make me crazy. For a long while I was very anonymous here and now I'm not so anonymous but I've started this and I can't stop...but I'll reiterate the rules that while I'll put myself on display, I ain't discussing in person.

Ground Control to Major Tom
Your circuit's dead,
there's something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you...

Major Tom is up there, sucked out of his tin can, floating up in space. He can't stay up there forever, and one day he's going to re-enter the atmosphere... and you, my good friends, are going to be picking up the pieces of him that were blown to bits upon re-entry. There will be body parts from here to Katmandu.

Cuz this one is different. And even though it had been walking around the perimeter for years, a black cat on a picket fence, tail flicking and eyes glowing in the dark, and though I'd seen it out of the corner of my eye, I'd taken for granted that it would stay there on that fence. And when it pounced it knocked me on my ass, cuz I wasn't paying attention.

This one says shit in a logical, gentle way, the way Poppy does. It's not that I believe him, but at that moment there's something that makes me stop and when I stop being stubborn I can see the logic in it. This one understands the spaghetti and watches me unravel it. And then later he'll repeat it so he understood.

This one makes me laugh... like true belly laugh. This one has a perspective I understand, that I can see, that I can relate to. This one still has joy in life, despite the shit that life throws. This one gives foot rubs. This one helps me sleep. This one is definitely different.

So I warn you all, my friends. Get that body bag ready cuz it's gonna be ugly.

And no... I don't believe in happy endings.

1 comment:

professor said...

don't fight it...there is no such thing as a happy ending cause when we die we ain't happy and neither are those around us...but there is such a thing as a happy existence...happy stress free days, being with someone who calms the voices...that's all it's about...having that one who's there through thick and thin...the one who's down for the struggle...
I like that you're not fighting...that you are giving in to your feelings...soon their wont be a need for the voices...they will recede and you won't even notice...one day, one moment at a time...flow like water...