Friday, July 18, 2008

All The Things I Shouldn't Say

in real life, end up here usually. All the things I don't feel comfortable saying in real life, are afraid to say, to give voice to, I end up writing here.

It's weird. I know I have my exhibitionist and narcissistic tendencies... my need to put my innermost self on display, and not just to the internet world and people I don't know... but seemingly mostly to people who know me well.

But then again it's not so weird. Before this blog I kept diaries, and then I discovered letter-writing. Then the letters got long so I'd type them so they'd be easy to read. Sometimes I would give the person the letter, sometimes I didn't. TF got a lot of letters from me, not that they ever did any good.

One time, a long time ago I was walking around the Village with my friend BeautifulHair. At the time she had a thing for Fortune Tellers, and there was one who sat down on 8th Street somewhere, that her sister had said was pretty on target. Because I follow the Old Testament, where it says specifically that we are not seek out fortune tellers, I didn't want my fortune told but the woman insisted. So I sat down in front of her and shut down those metal gates... I figured if she was really good she'd pick something out. But she merely looked at me and said "You often feel that people don't understand you, what you're saying. You feel like you're talking a different language than they are."

Which was kinda freaky... cuz I usually did. The voices and emotions in my heart and head swirl around so much, tumbling over each other that often when I go to say something I get distracted by them and end up trying to say too much and instead end up saying nothing useful. Writing has made it better, but it still happens. I noticed it in my meeting the other day; found myself unsure of which strand of spaghetti to pull out, where to start, and then when I started talking other thoughts kept crowding in. Luckily, the person who has contracted me had spent a considerable amount of time (almost to the point of being a pain in the ass) talking to me beforehand; assimilating my ideas as his own... so that when he saw I was lost he jumped right in. And I was grateful; at that moment I decided I really liked him and that our work together is going to be pretty good.

But I digress.

The point of all this is that there's so much bubbling around these days and I want to write it, but then I don't want to write it. I saw Shoefly about an hour go... she said "I saw your blog... stop over-analyzing! Just enjoy it!" and the TomCat says the same thing, as does FatLady... but it's not something I can stop. It's not even that I'm trying to analyze anything... I just need to figure out where all the strands are because if I don't they twirl around my head so badly that I can't function. It's like my mind is stuck on "wash" cycle, constantly sloshing around. I need to write it so it can stop.

And there are just some things I need to let out somehow. And I'm so torn... ordinarily I'd write some pretty interesting stuff right about now but I almost want to keep it to myself. And like I said earlier I am afraid that one day this will be over, and the words I write here will taunt me.
I know I'm crazy and an all-or-nothing and I go too deep too fast... but usually it's because its someone I'm fairly familiar with anyhow. I'm already halfway there when it starts...

So maybe I'll just pick one thing to say everyday, or whenever I write. One thing that means something to me, for whatever silly reason. One thing about TheCat that did it for me that day. And there could be several (there usually are) but I'll pick one. Argh. But then I hope I don't give away too much about him...

Today's thing--having not seen him in a few days which sucked eggs for me--was him singing songs--and knowing the words by heart--from a particularly girlie, animated Disney movie. I'll be smiling about that for a long time.

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