Monday, July 7, 2008

Fear

"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." - FDR, at his first inaugural address.

I have often thought about this quote, and say it to myself a great deal.

Or, I attempt to put my fears on the Higher Power, because as Poppy used to quote from Psalm 111: "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever."

I'm afraid things outside of myself--not many--I'm not afraid of heights or bugs or blood, but the few things there are, usually I can psych myself past it, oftentimes quoting the above to myself. Well, maybe except for mice. Mice freak me out.

But I realized just now that my greatest, deepest fear is my own self. I scare the shit out of me.

And I'm not really sure why. My capacity for darkness, maybe? For craziness... of what I will do when pushed... I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm not as great as I think I am.

I've been afraid of TF, but oftentimes I was more afraid of what I would do in retaliation, than I was actually afraid of him. He pushed me once and I tried to rip his face off, even though he was twice as wide as me and equally nuts.

Last Wednesday, LittleSensei was working with the kids on grappling moves. I'm the only adult in the class, so guess who got to grapple with him. There's no way I could beat him or pin him, but Lord knows I tried, every fibre of my being steeled to inflict some type of pain, to flip him over, my mind fully convinced I could do it while my body literally had the breath squeezed out of me.

I scare myself in work places because my tolerance for stupidity is very low... but it's hard out here on my own, and I'm not sure I can do this much longer.

I'm tired of being alone but I'm scared to be with anyone because I lose control of myself. But I'm tired and I don't think I can do this much longer.

I'm tired of writing about this shit cuz it doesn't seem to be helping... I thought that if I could release the craziness I'd get some relief, but worlds are colliding now and I don't know that I can do this much longer either.

Maybe I'm just hot (it's humid), maybe I'm just broke, maybe I'm not really looking forward to having my Sun away from me for two weeks... but I don't seem to be going anywhere, moving forward... just kind of wandering through space and it's starting to piss me off. Well, scaring me, and then I'm pissed off at myself for being afraid.

Because the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, right?

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