Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Dunno How This Is Gonna Work,

exactly, but I'm sort of deciding I can't really write about the Tomcat. Not specifically, anyhow. It's just way too public, in my very small circle of real life friends. Consequently, the ones who comment the most (well, except for the Professor but she's related and ballsy like me) feel funny doing so, and plus, when it all blows to hell I don't know that it needs to be that public.

But I'll let you all know when it does.

I told him this means I need to tell him stuff directly, but I'm not sure how that's gonna work exactly cuz I'm not sure a.) there's stuff he'll want to hear and b.) I'm ready to say. Though I slipped up and admitted to something I shouldn't have...

I dunno.

Professor's very hopeful about this, and usually I trust her but I'm more of the jaded variety. The older we get the more baggage we carry... in my case a host of whispery/screamy voices, a huge load of post-traumatic stress from TF, and a complete inability to trust someone enough to lead. For four years or so I spent my life in a relationship where every move I made, every word I said had the potential to blow up on me, and so I was very methodical and calculating in what I said or did. It's a hard, very hard habit to break. And then on top of that to be watchful of everything he did or said, to watch for patterns, tones, inflections. It was a lot of fucking work. And then for three years after that all out war. A very bruised house cat, I am, with mamabear tendencies. And I didn't realize how badly bruised until I was confronted with the possibility of a real "something". Cuz as much as I loved my Nene, there was always Babymama and I knew she'd always be there. And I had come to see, especially lately and in relationship to other things, that Nene was no fighter. He was a very "safe bet"... loving him didn't cost an awful lot, until much later. It was like "No Payments for a Year!" and then in tiny print somewhere "Pay ridiculous fees later."

But this one is more like a 30-day free trial, and then regular rates will apply. Reasonable....but if you don't got it, you don't got it.

Crackers.

Those metal gates are shut, but Tomcats have a way of discovering unguarded storm drains and bars that are spaced slightly further apart than others... and it's not that they mean to purposely break in... it's just they know there is food or water or scratchin' to be had, and they need to get to it. So here am I in this huge and ridiculously walled fortress, sealed tight... but something's already rattling around in the basement. I can only pray that it doesn't trip the booby traps.

And that's all I'm gonna (try to, anyway) say about that...

7 comments:

Land family said...

Good luck girl-I've had my share of male trauma in the past, but was able to find more happiness than I ever imagined possible. There are at least a handful worth letting your guard down for. Just give it some time.

When I read you were having excerpts from your blog tm'd to you that sent chills down my spine.....you need some distance between reality and online. So I understand your need for privacy.

The Bear Maiden said...

Thanks, lady, I need it this time.

Oddly enough, being quoted didn't really bother me, and it certainly helped to explain the things he's already seen (Friday he looked at me and said "Man, you are STRESSED!"--but at least he had some background info and didn't think I was just a freak of nature)... but I could see how in the future it may not be a good thing...

*sigh*

Voices gonna have to find another way out :)

professor said...

no you write poems...short and to the point...
anywho, tomcats, and cats in general have very flexible bones and can fit through the tiniest of spaces...they also have nine lives...I do say he is in the basement, and if he trips a boobytrap he will side step it and keep moving upstairs...squeezing between the bars...
he's already in...doesn't matter where so half the battle is over...you've been infiltrated...relax, let him explore and enjoy the company...

Fat Lady said...

Not very often, I have moments when I think I've said something to you I shouldn't have. Most of the time, I love that I can just spew whatever comes into my head with you - aren't many people I don't censor myself with.

But I shouldn't have said that about not commenting. That's my own shit. I am discovering that, in general I am a much more secretive and quiet person than I ever thought. I don't really like it when people know what I think about them. So it made me uncomfortable to know that if I responded to your posts about the Tomcat that he would know what I thought about him and about you all together.

Eh, fuck it. Sometimes we all have to move outside of our comfort zones. Even when it doesn't seem like there's any good reason for it. Even when it feels like it can only end badly - sometimes we have to just go ahead and do things we know will make us uncomfortable. So, here's what I think about you and the Tomcat and how you feel about it.

I think that both of you are out of your comfort zone. I think he hides the fact that he's stepped out of his a little better. That boyish, "I just do, I don't think" charm is a pretty good cover - but I think he thinks a lot and I think he feels a lot. And if he's messing with - knowing all your baggage (most of which lives inside your head - you need to evict some of those damned voices) then he must be thinking and feeling something. More, I think than any of us would dare to think or than he'd be willing to admit.

And yes, well this was bound to happen to you. I think I told you, not too long ago, that those gates were going to get you in trouble. that they gave you a false sense of security. And now you're locked inside with exactly what those gates were supposed to keep out. So, if I were you, I'd spend sometime working on lifting those gates, unlocking and dismantling them - cause they ain't doing you a damned bit of good right now. Those gates are weighing you down and holding the voices to you. Lift the gates, let the voices roam free to harass someone else (probably me) and start seeing how much you like - or don't like having someone in there with you.

See, I think that what you're afraid of, just might not come to pass. It might be that there are happy endings. And that's the one I'm hoping for. But it might also be that things might not work, because it might not all ultimately be what you want. You're so busy protecting yourself from the possibility of opening up and getting hurt, that you're not considering that you could be the one who might find - when you're not spending half your energy trying to close yourself off - that you could be the one who might want to walk away at some point.

Open yourself up to see if this is what you want. You need to let yourself see that and you can do it with the gates closed. Let the sun shine on this thing look at it in the bright light and without fear. Give yourself some time to really taste it and see if you enjoy the flavor. You never know - you might find it has an after-taste you're not fond of.

Then, once you've experienced it all for real - not half closed off. Then you can decide if there's something to worry about, something to fear. You might find that this is exactly what you want and you can have it. Or you might find out that it's not quite what you were looking for. But you can't know that if you're crouching behind the gates.

professor said...

again, couldn't have said it better myself

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

u should be happy u said it if it was the truth

The Bear Maiden said...

LOL. Nobody tells me off better than the Fat Lady.

Argh this is so damn hard for me...

Hey, Mr. Stephens, missed you... and yeah the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, but you know how folks freak out.