In April, when I first started this blog, I had some pretty dark days. Lately, I can't say I feel as dark as I did then; writing is very cathartic. But I'm definitely not feeling myself these days.
I realize, in writing all this stuff out, and going through 1977, that I "got mad issues, yo." I started to figure out that I had mad issues a few years ago, I guess around the time the Sun was born. But figuring out that you have issues is only Step One. After that comes separating issues, correcting issues, and acknowledging the source of issues, and I can't say I'm entirely clear on what the order is. Maybe there isn't an order.
But I'm an "order-seeker." I used to be very very orderly. A neat freak. I always did things the same way. Lately, since the Sun came along, I don't have the time to be that orderly. I also discovered there's a fair amount of power in not being orderly at all, so I guess I experimented with that a bit. Being disorderly also goes hand-in-hand with "breaking rules" for me. Which is ironic, since I'm a big rule-follower--provided those rules are to my liking.
Which is something I've recently come to acknowledge about myself. I'm great at following rules as long as they make sense. Or they are convenient. When they don't, or they aren't I look for ways to break them, or restructure them. This can be a good thing... but it can also be very bad, because when changing rules you have a few minutes there where there is the potential for anarchy... for no rules at all until the new ones get put in place.
And one thing I've come to realize for certain... I don't function well at all when there is no clear-cut structure. "Grey areas" are increasingly hard for me to manage.
Currently, my life is one big "Grey Area." The job is crazy. There are new rules, but they don't make any sense and they certainly don't fit any traditional structures. BigKahuna has elevated peons to the level of managers, without changing titles, without formerly announcing any restructure. It's very unsettling and upsets the very core of me. It was OK when Co Worker was still here... but she is gone gone gone... boarded a plane for Columbia last Wednesday morning so it's not like I can even call for any help. Boss is a living, breathing, non-entity, and through no fault of his own. The ironic thing is that where I would normally buck authority and not report in to him just on "GP", I make it a point to check in with him now because I refuse to report to anyone else.
I may not mind so much, reporting to a new structure, if the new structure had some design-sense, and an ability to do some research and think for themselves. But these people seem to think that they are bringing order to chaos, that there was no structure before they got put in charge, and it boggles my mind that they think that way. They can't see that they ARE the chaos, that they themselves are contributing to anarchy.
But it's thoughts like these that freak me out. Because either a.) I really am some kind of narcissistic megalomaniacal freakshow, a true sociopath or b.) people are sheep. I've learned, through extraordinary hardships and minimentalbreakdowns, to trust my gut. And my gut tells me that b.) people are sheep. But... really? Are you sure?
On a completely different sub-topic, but same genre, I've had some interesting discussions, both online and in real life about racism, and the existence of race in this country. And the same question I posed above with regard to my job, I've also been asking myself about race because I don't believe there is "race." But it's a longish post, and so I'll put it up separately.