So either a.) My weird childhood, family history and narcissistic tendencies makes me able to rationalize anything or b.) I'm an idiot.
The SugarCube thing had been making me crazy, but I totally admit that it's totally me. The Big "Grey Area" thing. The "Following Rules" thing. The "Needing a Structure" thing. I finally got told by my wonderful, gentle friend BeautifulHair that I needed to stop "cutting him off", and then the Fat Lady concurred and told me basically, "do, or do not".
So I decided to "do." Several times. What the hell.
And when I find myself making myself crazy, I just retreat into myself and try to hold my own piece. I made a point of going out Saturday because I realized that once the Sun came along I willingly (well, not initially willingly--initially I had a hard time adjusting to the lack of a bar life) became a Homebody. Mom. And so the only time I went out was when I was unhappy... consequently I'd drink too much or end up spending my time wishing I were someplace else. This past Saturday was the first time in a long time that I was out because it was fun, and not out because I was trying to drown some misery or other. And I had a great time.
I'm not saying I'm past my craziness. I have "trust" issues and "being left" issues but I keep reminding myself that everybody gets "left" at some point. UNN1 is so lonely; she so misses her companion, and her days are hard. I go up and check on her to let her know I'm there, but I know there's nothing I can say or do that will make her get through this any faster. To have your lifelong love leave you in death... how can you be afraid of heartbreak when faced with that?
So, I'm trying to just accept what is, to take my own advice and be accepting. It's not bad enough to want to change it, or to really need to change it. In reality, the situation suits me rather well. So I'm trying to enjoy the little things that come my way.