Monday, December 17, 2007

Swimming in Cold Water, Against The Flow

is about how I'd describe my life right now. Too many concerns to list (but hey! I just did); some very disheartening, some not so. I'm annoyed with TF (when am I ever not?) but pretty much have the idea these days that like the snake in the proverbial story, I knew what he was when I picked him up. In other words, I need to quit my bitchin' cuz that's all he'll ever be. Though it would have been nice if he could mature enough/take enough Zoloft to not inflict his shit on his Sun, but whatever. The latest, in a nutshell, is that while last year he harassed the shit out of his kid for his Christmas list and was annoyed that in the essence of speed, I wrote it out and not the Sun, this year there has been NO MENTION of Christmas at all. None. Luckily, we don't keep Christmas, and luckily, we are pretty much co-family with the Moon's family, who does so with gusto. (So the Sun is going to get some pretty cool shit--nothing big, but things I know he'll cream his shorts over.)

But the Sun is hurt. He asked me if he should go ahead and send his list. I told him honestly, that if HE felt comfortable doing so, he should (because I've learned to trust The Sun's intuition with regard to his father; he seems to have an uncanny knack of knowing exactly where his father is in his darkspace) but I get the feeling that Christmas has been unmentioned because TF wants the Sun to ask about it, which would give TF the opening to say something really mean. Like "I thought you didn't keep Christmas" or some bullshit like that. And I told the Sun that I really didn't feel like having him say that, cuz then I'll have to get mad. But I asked him if he felt differently and he said sadly "No, I think you're right". Fucker.

In addition... oh hell. It's not even worth mentioning. But suffice to say I'm wondering how much of a stickler I'm prepared to be about his upcoming visit. Since there is STILL no signed agreement.

I'm broke as hell, my rent goes up in January, I'm getting no replies from ANYTHING I've applied for, I'm trying very hard to stay away from Nene who I miss, but mainly because I miss "closeness". It's hard, cuz we still talk reasonably often. But I'm an all or nothing chick--it's just a fact of life, and I'm in no mood to just be a bootiecall. But damn. And I'd pay for eHarmony but I can't afford it. I'm tired of flying solo. What else; my house looks like who-did-it-it-and-ran, I've yet to even make my 2007 edition holiday greeting (I'm sure it'll hit me Friday night or something, and I'll stay up all night and do it... it just hasn't hit me yet), I need to send out TF's present from The Sun (because I really am a nice person, goddammit), the Diva is just floating through life about to crash and burn and as much as I love her I cannot carry her, and I'm fat. Not fat compared to other people who struggle with weight, but fat compared to me and my own self image, my back hurts, I suddenly realized I can't fucking read the fine print on my Exedrin Migraine bottle anymore and I feel like an old tired ass.

If I think of anything else, I'll post it later. Y'all don't have to read it, but at least I'm not carrying the shit around with me, which is afterall, why I started this blog.

I have to get back to La Vida Low Budget because I obsessively must finish what I've started because if I don't I feel like a failure. And I want to create a poll to find out if a.) people really care enough to continue posting and b.) should I continue directly on to 1978, or skip ahead to '81--the year I was 16 and swore I was pregnant? It would mean I'd have to 'fess up to a lot of shit my parents STILL don't know about... but it could be fun. I had fully inhabited Harlem Style by then...

Later I have to post about how I chewed the Sun and the Moon out about "work ethic" (Lord don't let him grow up to be a lazy ass like his mother) so bad they both read books on the subway all the way home... it was pretty funny.

I stayed home this morning to accomplish something/anything and the only thing I've accomplished was changing my bedsheets and vacuuming the rather large dust bunnies that had taken over, but the piles still remain and my kitchen table is still underclutter. But, I'm off to pick up the Sun from school; he has a violin recital this evening. I'll try to post a picture.

8 comments:

SewPaula said...

{{{{hugs, BearMaiden}}}} -- Hang in there, it can't keep getting worse. It's got to get better soon.

Ros said...

Old tired ass? I'm in good company then, I feel f***ing old as dirt.

Skip eHarmony; read Craigslist dating postings just for the fun of it.

You're a better person than I am. I'm not having Sean get a present for OtherMom cause after 4 years of doing so & having no reciprocity, I'm done.

The Bear Maiden said...

SewPaula; thanks... but I think it's about to get worse. The Diva will be crashlanding on me this weekend, and I am completely unprepared. And Ros, the only thing about eHarmony is I'm hoping it'll weed out at least some of the weirdos. Or at least match me to someone as weird as myself. Or slightly less weird, which would be even better.

professor said...

it wont get worse cause she really wont be there that much...trust me...when whirlwind is at pita's house she wont be there...and she is welcome to stay with me anytime (though I don't think she will take me up on it)...but she needs this time to wean herself from fatblobofshit who is totally pulling her down...she's so pissed at me that she is going to prove herself the better person and I bet she will find an apt faster being under your roof than mine...
But thank you so much for doing this...you're not saving my sanity, but saving her from going the path of the biofam...

Fat Lady said...

Forgive me for getting all philosophical on you, but after I told you (through LilacBlue) to get out of the cold water and you said, "How?" I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I finally thought of an answer...

If you're fighting to swim upstream in the cold water, maybe the answer is to stop fighting so hard to move upstream and let the water take you for a ride. Let the flow take you to warmer water.

What things are you fighting, struggling against? Maybe you should stop fighting them and see where you go.

At the very least, you'll have the energy you're expending on fighting to do something else.

professor said...

THANK YOU SISTERGIRL!!!!! I couldn't have said it better myself...take heed bearmaiden, take heed...

The Bear Maiden said...

LOL. Y'all are funny, and yeah I would even say the same thing to me if I were standing outside my own skin. But in my own skin I'm just tired of it all. I'm getting used to the idea of the Diva being here; us Aquarians need time to adjust. I don't like giving up my peace but I'll handle it. Now, if I could just have some cashflow I'd feel a lot better about things...

professor said...

listen, the bitch has money...she pays me rent, she can pay you rent and buy her own food!!!! use this to your advantage...GO OUT...she can watch the sun...matter of fact, we will make it a point to go out every other weekend my treat...you can stay at my house and she can stay there...DONT MAKE AN EXCUSE EITHER!!!!