Saturday, December 1, 2007

Dodged a Bullet...

The Sun: Mom, I have good news and bad news. What do you want first?
Me: Bad news
Sun: OK. Bad news is he's not coming next week.
Me: And the good news?
Sun: He's not coming this week either.

I'm a little unsettled about the whole thing. Couple reasons...

1) I know how I feel about him being here. It's just stressful BUT
2) Once I get used to it, I'm into the flow of it. Now I have to change direction again. Dammit!
3) Lately, because TF has given the Sun some grief, and because the Sun is a little older now, I've told him more about what his dad has been like, so that he knows it's not him. That's just the way his dad is. But after YEARS of being aware of and fearful of the term "Parental Alienation Syndrome" I'm usually extremely diplomatic. And I'm very conflicted because on the one hand, there are certainly examples (usually extreme) of one parent badmouthing the other. Certainly, it has an effect on the kid. But on the other hand, there are often real reasons one parent is afraid of/doesn't like the other parent. I'm always very careful to stress that his father does love him, and I try to focus on the positive times the Sun has with him. But the more honest I am about what his father has been like through the years, the more stories come out.

Like the other night, the Sun tells me that when he was in California, as they were on their way to Lego Land--which is THE ONE PLACE the Sun REALLY wanted to go to out there, his father carped the entire way about the directions. "Oh Lord", I said. "I'm sorry. I've had rides like that. But why didn't you say anything before??? Why didn't you tell the Law Guardian?" and he only shrugged. In my experience, when TF was held to a promise, or had to take someone someplace THEY wanted to go to and not him, he would frequently bitch or have a 'tude or just generally go out of his way to make your time as unpleasant as possible. But if it was someplace HE wanted to go, he'd sing and whistle the whole way and be as agreeable as pie. Lego Land was the Sun's idea... Disney was his. So I understood. But I'm concerned that The Sun tells this story now... and I wonder had I been more honest before, would he have told more? Did he only "go along" because he felt he had to? But if I had been more honest and less diplomatic, it would have been extremely easy for the Law Guardian or anyone else to accuse me of turning the Sun against his dad.

4.) I heard TF ask The Sun "Don't you want to know why I'm not coming?" "Oh God here we go" I thought to myself. The Sun got really quiet and said "yess" a lot, which is what he does--emphasizing all the consonants--when his dad is giving him a lecture. Turns out TF said something about "I didn't give you enough notice and you already had plans". So of course my guilt kicks in... but on the other hand, I tell myself, we were talking about a few hours here... Would he really throw over an ENTIRE weekend because he can't share his kid with the public for a few hours??? Yup! AND, he DIDN'T give us notice. So now, next time he does... hell and highwater will have to part for him or we'll never hear the end of it.

The Sun however, was fine. When his father was telling him he wasn't coming this weekend we was doing that handpull thing people do when they say "YES!". So I'd mouthed to him "Is he coming next week?" and that's when he asked his dad... I would have, as I had emailed him, re-arranged plans for next week but I'm glad I didn't have to. Shoefly and I were talking about going to the NY Anime Festival next week. The Sun doesn't know yet.

5.) So when WILL he show up???? The weekend after that I'm OK with... matter of fact the next few weekends I'm OK with. But he's NOT supposed to have him over the Winter Break this year... according at least, to the agreement he hasn't signed.

But watch him try to come up then... And I probably shouldn't stress about it... like my Lawyer reminded me, I have custody now, and there is no visitation order. He hasn't signed it. And like the Fat Lady said to me this evening when we met as we retrieved our children from Percussion practice, children begin to know who the sane parent is and who the crazy parent is. She made me feel so much better by saying that at least the Sun lucked out in that the sane parent as his mother and the one he lives with. How sane I am is debatable, but it still made me feel a little better.

At least I don't have to deal with it this week. But I feel like I'm going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop... or is it merely my own issue, my own PTSD?

Content, the Sun curled up on the couch with me and watched half of the DVD "Bowfire" (which came in the mail today, along with a slip saying the tickets are on the way) until he fell asleep.

5 comments:

Ginger said...

I hope never meet TF because I'd be tempted to bitch slap him a few times.

Glad the Sun handles this so well. And Julie's right kids know who the sane parent is...lucky for Sun there is a sane parent. I didn't have a sane parent period!

Ros said...

The PTSD stuff is a bitch. What I experienced w/the ex is nowhere near what you had with TF (and yes I can say that cuz I never had to get a PO!) and I still flinch at times when I hear her voice on the phone, or she pops up on IM. But isn't it amazingly wonderful to go through most ideas not having to try to read someone's mind & predict mood & head off the ugly stuff? And not having to shield the child on a daily basis . . .

S.K. said...

Kiss the Sun ~ that seems fitting.

Your Sun seems like he has it together, but it's hard sometimes when daddy if being difficult. Continue do a good job as Mommy.

Jacqueline said...

take a deep breath and thank God for His favours upon you and the Sun. If you can, try not to think about when the other shoe will drop... fact is, he has to give a week's notice... so have tentative plans and know that he must contact you by Saturday of each week prior. That is that. I'm so glad he is not coming...

Janet said...

I'm glad too. My raging PMS hormines make me want to do him great harm.