I Had A Nightmare Last Night

about TF. I dreamed that the Sun got his promised "other present" in the mail... a large box of chocolate covered nuts. And then somehow TF was here, in the Big Apple, and the Sun was with him. But there was another baby, a younger Sun. And I can't really remember if it was mine, or his, but TF said something about having to take the younger Sun to the dentist. And I dreamed of that old feeling, where my guts would tighten up and I'd choose my words carefully because I just wanted this younger Sun to come home, and come home quickly without drama. Even though I was mad as hell that he was taking the younger Sun to the dentist without my knowledge or consent. In the dream I told TF carefully "He just went to the dentist, but OK."

Of course, all of the above has happened in real life, but different bits of the incidents in different places, so the dream was an odd composite of flashbacks making a familiar story. It was very unsettling, and the feeling stayed with me off and on through the day. I know part of it stemmed from the email I got the other day, in which he mentioned certain incidents. It's the kind of thing where I know he mentioned them, because he knew what he was doing back then. Despite the innocent front, I always knew that he calculated what he did, that he knew that the Sun was my "Achilles heel" and he knew that I wouldn't fight him on anything as long as the Sun was with him. I had promised myself I wouldn't read the email in depth, but I admit to some morbid curiosity and I skimmed it a little.

But oddly enough, I take the dream as being in the past, as being "no more" because the whole time I was actually dealing with TF through incidents like that, I never dreamed about them. I was so busy "dealing" that I didn't have time to dream...

The Sun has talked to him almost every day this week, but for like three minutes tops. I haven't answered TF's last email, because when I do is when I'm going to tell him either play right, or don't play at all. But I'm waiting for Lawyer to come back from vacation. She actually emailed me last week... I had been blind-copying her on everything I wrote him, leaving his original emails attached. The fact that she took the the time to email me, FROM vacation, meant tons. It means I'm not really over-reacting (and yeah, I still check myself). It means that she got as frustrated and annoyed as I did. It meant that I was doing what I am entitled to do, and that my request (that he play by the rules) was valid. Her email meant that I could take a deep breath and not really think about him until I had to. Yeah, I DO know these things in my head, but it's a really weird feeling when the old emotions come creeping back... and the dream did for me what crying can do... releasing all those old feelings.

So on the whole I feel pretty good.

I'm still not looking forward to New Years Eve, and I'm sort of undecided as to what I'm going to do. Shoefly and WhiteClogs and the Moon are in PA with their richer friends... those folk who can either afford to go away or have homes in the Poconos, so they won't be around. The Professor doesn't want to drive anyone home (and she shouldn't, since there will be drunk asses all over the road) so she'll be sitting in her house with her bottles. Last year I spent the night with her, (and was vastly entertained by friends of friends of friends--one of whom got ridiculously drunk and passed out right in front of her house) but I'm not sure I want to do that this year... I may want to wake up New Years Day in my own damn bed... even though I'll be waking up alone. I'm sure the Diva is scheming to be out... hell, she's 20, that's what they do... but I'm not watching her kid. I wasn't even on Nene's list of STD*'s, which pretty much solidifies where THAT'S going... absafuckinglutelynowhere, which I knew already but damn. I could have at least pretended. But I'm not sure I'm brave enough to just be here with the Sun, on our own. On the other hand, I don't want any crutches. If this is life, so be it, and like the Fat Lady reminded me the other day, a new year represents renewed hope. Hope that this year, I will make things different. Hope that I'll find what I'm looking for, and accomplish something, dammit.

(That sounded pretty good and inspirational didn't it? Maybe I can make myself believe it. Cuz in all honesty it's highly likely that I'll just go sit in the Professor's house and get "euphoric" on my Corazon Anejo Tequila.)

*somethin ta do


Fat Lady said…
Well, here I am up because I had a nightmare about the Bull, reading about you having a nightmare about TF.

But your nightmare sounds good. It sounds like you letting go of old shit. It sounds like floating downstream. And I know you need to do that more and more.

I was thinking about you a lot on my morning walk yesterday. I was thinking about how much time you spend fighting things in your life and wishing you didn't feel the need to fight so much.

But then I also thought that you have the sensibilities of an artist, and even though you haven't fully claimed that title for yourself yet, that's what you are.

You have your own view of the world and you have to stay true to and share that view. And when others don't see your view, are determined to create another view or express another view and want you to be a part of it, you have to fight it because for you it's not the right view.

Now, I think there are varying degrees to which even artists can embraces and live in the worlds of others - but generally they are only visitors and become tortured and become crazy (high, drugged, etc.) when they force themselves to stay too long.

But when they create their own worlds - well there they can have peace and be at home.

You need your own world.

Professionally, you need to stop looking to work for someone else - particularly doing anything that can be confused with art. It's only going to make you increasingly miserable to have to create what others want rather than what you see.

The Cafe Press thing is you moving in the right direction. You will be happiest making money by letting others pay you for doing what you do rather than doing what they want you to do.

TF will always try to pull you into his games which are all rigged so you can't win, like some emotional carnival game. The more you refuse to engage in his crap, the better you feel. Of course it helps that you now have a lawyer who believes in you and is capable. So you can just pass that stuff on to her and let it flow past you.

As for New Year's Eve, wish I could invite you to come hang out here. But blech, the place is more of a mess than ever - though I've spent the last two days cleaning. Plus, just no room for anyone to sleep over. And like the Professor, I'm not driving anywhere on NYE.

And I'm glad I wrote the hopeful response the other day, because I keep having to remind myself that New Year's is all about hope. Right now it feels like it's all about commercials and TV shows focused on weight loss telling me how horrendous my fat ass is.
Ros said…
I didn't have a nightmare, I just woke up early cause Ambien only works for so long. Stay home with the Sun. I'll send you PV's -- I'm staying home with Sean, having turned down 3 invitations. Partly cause last year was so wonderful (with the Asshole) and I need to do something completely different this year, partly cause like some comic strip character said yesterday, why should I celebrate some random calendar event?
How's this for an idea? We spend NYE doing some informal ritual about what we want in our lives for next year. Alcohol as an accompaniment, some good food, candle lighting, and painting/drawing/writing about scenes we want in our lives next year. You too, Fat Lady!
Jacqueline said…
I know I'm married, but on NYE, we stay home all the time. Aragorn goes to bed before midnight even comes! So, if I want to stay up, i'm usually alone or Legolas and Gimli stay up with me. there have been years when I did not "ring in the new year" since Aragorn would just go to bed... so even if you were to "have someone wake up next to you", sometimes, it doesn't make any difference. Stay home. blog. look for us to also be on-line. heck, if you had a gmail acct, we could both be on and actually chat. think about it and let me know.
The Bear Maiden said…
ros and jacqueline, thank you. And those are excellent ideas.

fat lady, I'll deal with you later. LOL.Cuz my response to you has to be a separate post.

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