about TF. I dreamed that the Sun got his promised "other present" in the mail... a large box of chocolate covered nuts. And then somehow TF was here, in the Big Apple, and the Sun was with him. But there was another baby, a younger Sun. And I can't really remember if it was mine, or his, but TF said something about having to take the younger Sun to the dentist. And I dreamed of that old feeling, where my guts would tighten up and I'd choose my words carefully because I just wanted this younger Sun to come home, and come home quickly without drama. Even though I was mad as hell that he was taking the younger Sun to the dentist without my knowledge or consent. In the dream I told TF carefully "He just went to the dentist, but OK."
Of course, all of the above has happened in real life, but different bits of the incidents in different places, so the dream was an odd composite of flashbacks making a familiar story. It was very unsettling, and the feeling stayed with me off and on through the day. I know part of it stemmed from the email I got the other day, in which he mentioned certain incidents. It's the kind of thing where I know he mentioned them, because he knew what he was doing back then. Despite the innocent front, I always knew that he calculated what he did, that he knew that the Sun was my "Achilles heel" and he knew that I wouldn't fight him on anything as long as the Sun was with him. I had promised myself I wouldn't read the email in depth, but I admit to some morbid curiosity and I skimmed it a little.
But oddly enough, I take the dream as being in the past, as being "no more" because the whole time I was actually dealing with TF through incidents like that, I never dreamed about them. I was so busy "dealing" that I didn't have time to dream...
The Sun has talked to him almost every day this week, but for like three minutes tops. I haven't answered TF's last email, because when I do is when I'm going to tell him either play right, or don't play at all. But I'm waiting for Lawyer to come back from vacation. She actually emailed me last week... I had been blind-copying her on everything I wrote him, leaving his original emails attached. The fact that she took the the time to email me, FROM vacation, meant tons. It means I'm not really over-reacting (and yeah, I still check myself). It means that she got as frustrated and annoyed as I did. It meant that I was doing what I am entitled to do, and that my request (that he play by the rules) was valid. Her email meant that I could take a deep breath and not really think about him until I had to. Yeah, I DO know these things in my head, but it's a really weird feeling when the old emotions come creeping back... and the dream did for me what crying can do... releasing all those old feelings.
So on the whole I feel pretty good.
I'm still not looking forward to New Years Eve, and I'm sort of undecided as to what I'm going to do. Shoefly and WhiteClogs and the Moon are in PA with their richer friends... those folk who can either afford to go away or have homes in the Poconos, so they won't be around. The Professor doesn't want to drive anyone home (and she shouldn't, since there will be drunk asses all over the road) so she'll be sitting in her house with her bottles. Last year I spent the night with her, (and was vastly entertained by friends of friends of friends--one of whom got ridiculously drunk and passed out right in front of her house) but I'm not sure I want to do that this year... I may want to wake up New Years Day in my own damn bed... even though I'll be waking up alone. I'm sure the Diva is scheming to be out... hell, she's 20, that's what they do... but I'm not watching her kid. I wasn't even on Nene's list of STD*'s, which pretty much solidifies where THAT'S going... absafuckinglutelynowhere, which I knew already but damn. I could have at least pretended. But I'm not sure I'm brave enough to just be here with the Sun, on our own. On the other hand, I don't want any crutches. If this is life, so be it, and like the Fat Lady reminded me the other day, a new year represents renewed hope. Hope that this year, I will make things different. Hope that I'll find what I'm looking for, and accomplish something, dammit.
(That sounded pretty good and inspirational didn't it? Maybe I can make myself believe it. Cuz in all honesty it's highly likely that I'll just go sit in the Professor's house and get "euphoric" on my Corazon Anejo Tequila.)
*somethin ta do