Friday, December 28, 2007

In The Eye of The Storm

The Diva and TinyOne spent the night with the Professor last night, since the Diva has Family Court in the city today. So the Sun and I got some quiet time.

I should have taken him to karate yesterday but we went to IKEA instead with the Professor. It was rainy yesterday, and I wasn't in the mood for much of nothin', least of all the busride back to the Rock from Yonkers. Besides, something pissed me off.

At IKEA, I spent money I didn't have, but luckily not too much. But on stuff I needed... I NEED lights for my room. It's so dark in there. For years the darkness didn't bother me, but lately it's driving me nuts. I also bought a purple duvet cover, which my soul needs. I need something purple in that room; yes it's my favorite color but it tends to soothe me.

It's sunny today, which is a good thing because my mood needs it. I'm struggling. I'm tired of bitching about the same old things so I won't. When I first started this blog, I wrote a post about Surviving The Dark Days, and I read that post to remind myself to take my own damn advice. And I'm trying very hard, but I'm not a happy bitch right about now.

I'm not looking forward to New Years Eve this year. I don't feel I'm any further ahead this year than last year, and I should be. And despite the fact that I think I'm trying very hard, I guess I'm not cuz nothing's changing. I'm also really sick of spending it as a single person. Not that I don't love my family because I do. With every fibre of my being. But it suddenly occurred to me the other day that it's been YEARS since I actually spent New Years with anyone other than them. Or without drama. And that never bothered me before.... "you can't miss what you can't measure". But now I can measure it, and it's pissing me off. But that's all I'm going to bitch about today because it's a nice day and I promised the Sun we'd do our annual (actually semi-annual) trip to Times Square.

We usually take the Moon on our trip, but I'm attempting to get my kid to karate afterwards, and the Moon's dad had "too much stuff to do" to meet us anywhere, and they all have some weird mindset against the martial arts so the Moon doesn't come with us often to karate (but if anybody needs it, it's him). So it'll just be me and the Sun, which is probably a good thing...

And then the Storm descends on us again this evening. The Professor at first was saying "well, I'm sure she'll probably be with me all weekend" and I said, "well unless you want to fall back into the same pattern only with less bedrooms, I suggest that you put her ass in your car and dump her at my house. As stressful as it is for me, you set this up and YOU better follow through with it". Can you say "enabler"?

Pray for me, if you care about me. Thanks.

4 comments:

Fat Lady said...

I'm glad you finally got your hands on that duvet cover. It's beautiful, and I have to admit that the minute I saw it I started thinking about getting it. But I'm not putting one new thing in this apartment...

I know how you feel about New Year's. I'm struggling with it too. I looked back on the list I made at the beginning of 2007 of the things I wanted. And I have achieved or attained none of the things on that list. But I am determined to accept what the stroke of midnight that turns 2007 into 2008 offers - hope.

Hope that things will be different, better than they were the year before. Hope that I will be able to shift my priorities and find the strength to make changes even when those changes are scary or hold the potential of making my life harder in as many ways as they make my life easier.

I think hanging on to that hope and following it is what brings us out of the darkness we can sometimes find ourselves wallowing in.

And know that you, the professor and the diva have embraced change in a major way already - and that will bring with it new and wondrous things for all of you - though certainly it doesn't feel that way now. Change is always good.

Have you ever read Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler?

Fat Lady said...

I don't know how I missed reading that list of mantras before - it is BRILLIANT! I bookmarked it so I can read it over and over.

professor said...

Im sorry your having dark days...it will get better, its always darkest before the dawn- I should know driving from chitown to NYC, somewhere in Michigan right before the sun came up was a time when I thought the night would never end...it was dark, scary and no one was on the road but us, then over the horizon was a glimmer of light that got brighter and bigger as I got closer...then the sun was in my eyes and I knew all would be well and we would make it home ok...
you too will find what you want because for the first time you really want it...
I think being with the storm will help you...cause on the other side of the storm is always a rainbow...
love you sis...your the best!!!!!!!

The Bear Maiden said...

Hey fat lady, thanks for reminding me about hope. And no, you know I don't read :) I skim, maybe. And yes, those mantras come in handy... I just have to remember to use them :) I miss you, btw.

And sis, I love you too. It's hard, but it's doable. The Diva is a good kid, and she doesn't mess with me, lol, the way she messes with you. And the other part, well, you're right. I didn't want it before. Except now I remember why; cuz it sucks.