Monday, September 29, 2008

Post #601

I hadn't realized my previous post was my 600th.

That's an awful lot of rambling.

Friday, I went and got purple put in the back of my head. It was really really dark... so you can't really tell but I actually like the color. But it was such a dark purple I came home and rinsed some of it out with conditioner, and today I noticed that it seems to be "settling in" and is looking REALLY FUCKING PURPLE. I love it. In a day or so I'll take a picture and post it.

Friday night, I hung out with Fluffernutter again. Shoefly was supposed to go to the Sugarland concert with her hubby WhiteClogs (although he's not really a whiteclog anymore... he's more back into being a Florida redneck but I have to think of another name for him) and a couple who live across the street from them. The couple has three boys, and the Moon's older sister was going to babysit all the boys in the couple's house. But Sugarland got rained out.... but I had already told Fluffernutter I was coming down, so Shoefly nicely kept the Sun for me.

I'm making it a point to just GO OUT. I'm never gonna meet anybody in my living room. I mean, I've investigated the online dating services but I gotta tell you... not too many Africanamerican or "Other" men tend to frequent it. Mostly, middle-aged white dudes. And I don't dislike middle-aged white dudes... but on my list of necessary things for my Ride or Die, a man's got to be able to hang out wherever... and often, "wherever" includes 'Two-Five, or Third Ave in the Bronx, or 103rd in Manhattan or El Barrio. And most of the middle-aged white dudes look like they wouldn't be too comfortable in those places, no matter what they say. Hispanic men seem to list profiles but I dunno. I don't think I'm quite "there" yet for online dating anyway... at least not yet.

So I went out. I had to go to the school Open House/Curriculum night first, where I decided I really like the Sun's new teachers. I had to laugh at how nonchalant I am about everything... when I was nine I was hanging out in Kingston in other people's houses (cuz we had been evicted from our own), not going to school, reading on my own, writing stories, learning math by adding up the household shopping list. Science consisted of digging up "nannybugs" (which after some serious Google-digging, I think are actually antlion larvae or "doodlebugs" in the States... um, EWW!) or digging lizard eggs out of hollow twigs, and Social Studies was observing how people lived.

So methods and processes of learning are interesting... but I don't tend to get up as worked up about all that as the other parents do. I figure, I learned. And the Sun is already learning more and learning easier processes than I did, so what the hell. I found myself dozing off during the Literacy Lecture. I trust them, the teachers. The Sun is doing well. His handwriting sucks, but so does his father's and mine isn't too legible either, so he'll learn to type. I type about 100 words a minute... last I checked. And that was before spellcheck.

Then I invited myself over the FatLady's to kill time before I went downtown... Fluffernutter didn't get off till 10P. I watched the first half hour of the debate... which was largely boring but I still think Obama looked a lot more presidential than the other guy. And he's cool as hell. He doesn't break under pressure, doesn't sneer, doesn't get condescending. I like that in a person.

Once downtown, I was still trying to get to G&G to go salsa dancing, but it wasn't that kind of night... and I needed to eat. So we walked over to some pub in SoHo, but the kitchen was closed and it was in the process of becoming a dance club. We found a corner at the bar, and he drank Southern Comfort and I drank margaritas (to water down the tequila) and we just talked. About art, about needing to create, about how it sucked to give a whole lot to relationships and be the ones that get left. We never got to eat until 2:30 or so when we went for pizza. Gotta love New York with the all-night pizza joints, that are more crowded at that time of the morning than they are during the day.

Fluffernutter has this theory that people like us should only give 20% into early relationships, rather than the 100% we are inclined to. He said that our 20% is equal to other people's 100%, and so by giving only 20% we save ourselves heartache... and the other person will never know the difference. It made me laugh... but I ended up thinking about that all weekend. Cuz you know I'm all-or-nothing... but obviously that's not working.

About halfway through the night I found myself wondering how close we could actually get, he and I... but the thing is I like hanging out with him and just wandering around SoHo... and if I allowed myself to get close it would just get messy again. He and I both have said we don't do the casual thing real well... so I kept air between us. It wasn't that hard. I like him. When he first left Pratt and I was still there and we hung out, I had a HUGE crush on him. But now, it's much easier than that. No butterflies... no yearning. Just "like". But a lot of "like", and I'd like to keep that for a while.

Plus, I still miss ThatOtherDude... and almost had a moment when the dj played two songs back-to-back that will forever remind me of the Summer of '08. But... I held it back. Fuck it. Even Fluffernutter said, when we compared war stories (and his is bad... his ex lives next door) to let it go. And when a dude tells you "let it go", well... you gotta listen.

At 3A I got in a cab home... this time I made it home with my phone. The cab ride KILLED my budget... but I wanted to come home.

The next day, Saturday, I did muchanuthin. Shoefly sent the boys over to me about 3 when she couldn't stand their bickering anymore. Those two are funny. They fight, they kick each other out, they threaten to leave. But then they want to come back. They call each other "Brother from another mother". I hope they'll always be that way...

I got dressed, and rather than do the 100 other things I had to do, I sat with the boys at the kitchen table and made stuff out of Femo clay. Fluffernutter inspired me to do something creative; he always reminds me of why I went to Pratt. He's still enthusiastic about creating and drawing... I guess he's surrounded my more artists on a daily basis than I am. I forget, in the hullaballoo and survival of my every day. But he reminds me and it's cool. The Sun and Moon both made dragon-type creatures which were really very good--the Moon's especially, and I just made beads... couldn't think of anything else. But it was nice to do something like that... and very nice to do it with the boys.

Saturday night I had one long dream about giving up on ThatOtherDude, and me telling him why. Like that's neccesary.

Sunday, I got up and cleaned Puerto Rican Style... salsa music blaring, using Fabuloso with a rag on my hands and knees. Very therapeutic, and it's really the only way to keep my bathroom from smelling like the boys bathroom at school. I did laundry and made a roasted butternut squash soup with green bananas. It came out pretty good...

I finally admitted out loud that I hate Sundays. I feel the loneliest on Sunday, for various reasons, and plus, the day always gets away from me without me doing everything I need to.

It rained today, too. Buckets. But, I wasn't as depressed as I have been. The blackness didn't swallow me, even in the rain... and I'm still on my ride or die mission... this week when the kids are off for Rosh Hashana, I'm gonna attack my closets. You know, make room...

But tomorrow (well, in a few hours) I'm gonna go sew batten pockets for sails...

Sunday, September 28, 2008

In Case You Missed It, pt. II

This time, I didn't... cracked me up. Tina Fey reprised her role as Gov Sarah Palin during the Katie Couric interview.

The Huffington Post includes transcripts.

My favorite part:

POEHLER AS COURIC: "But again, and not to belabor the point. One specific thing."

(several seconds of FEY and POEHLER staring at each other)

FEY AS PALIN: "Katie, I'd like to use one of my lifelines."


FEY AS PALIN: "I want to phone a friend."

POEHLER AS COURIC: "You don't have any lifelines."

FEY AS PALIN: "Well in that case I'm gonna just have to get back to you!"

Thursday, September 25, 2008

In Case You Missed It...

(I did... found it on another blog)

Dave (as in Letterman, the great unspoken love of my life) rips into McCain for canceling on him. And appearing with Katie Couric instead.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Some Things That Bother Me About Palin

And Other Random Musings...

I haven't commented much on Palin cuz a.) I've been dealing with my own immediate things, and b.) I've been accumulating thoughts. Watching the media frenzy ebb and flow... watching with interest and trying to figure out what exactly bothers me about her. So in no particular order of importance here are things that bother me about Palin:

  • The way she carries Trig
    I'm not sure what it is... I know Trig has Down's Syndrome and will have developmental delays and so he will not grasp and cling the way most babies do. Or maybe he will... I don't know. But something about the way she holds him is very, I dunno... cold? She may as well be holding a fish:

    She doesn't look natural or "mom-like" when she holds him. Granted... she may be dealing with a lot of mixed feelings right now about the baby. Maybe she hasn't bonded. But seeing pictures of her with Trig don't feel "warm", you know?

  • I'm not satisfied that Trig is hers:
    I really didn't pay too much attention to the rumors. And then I started looking for pictures of her holding Trig to illustrate the above. I found this picture of Palin and her "First Dude" with Trig:
    but then I found this picture of Bristol and supposedly-expectant Babydaddy and it just kinda makes you go "hmmmmmmmm":

    Now see... the timing is tight.... but it could still work. If Trig was born early, it's entirely possible that daughter didn't show all that much, deliver a baby early and still get pregnant again right away. Shoefly was seven months pregnant when she gave birth to the Moon... she was tiny... but she was showing. She didn't look unlike Bristol in these pictures:

    Shoefly did NOT look like this at seven months:
    which is supposedly Palin around the time she would have been seven months pregnant. Now granted... she's wearing black. It's a little hard to tell. But speaking again as a mom... you can hide your very first pregnancy a pretty long time. But your muscles relax with each successive pregnancy, and after five kids, I'm pretty sure you'd be a little bit bigger than this at seven months.

    And Shoefly didn't look like this after delivering the Moon, who incidentally, stayed in the NICU for a month:
    (I found this picture on this blog)

    Supposedly, Palin "hid" her pregnancy from the press and co-workers (not family... cuz I read elsewhere the family knew in advance that Trig would be born with difficulties... so she couldn't have hid her pregnancy from family the way some rumors suggest), and right when she announced it... she flew cross country with broken water??? And returned to work three days later? Look folks... I'm a mom. It's not fucking physically possible. Even slave women got four weeks of "confinement" (on some plantations) before being forced back to work. If you had a C-section, you're sore. If you delivered vaginally, you're still pretty sore. Bare minimum, you're moving a tad bit slower than you normally do. But you're telling me that three days after giving birth to a special needs baby, Palin was back at work? I do know of a young girl who dropped a baby and got a job a few days after delivery and went to work. It's possible. But she was in her twenties. Not 44.

    But the whole thing brings up a couple of issues for me:

  • If Trig isn't her baby
    Why would she cover up? Maybe because it would make her daughter look REALLY bad to not only be unwed and pregnant, but pregnant back to back? But if you're so "pro-choice" and your kid "chose" to have a baby, why would you hide that?

  • And if Trig is her baby
    What kind of woman flies in a plane with broken water and then returns to work immediately after giving birth to a special needs baby??? I watched her in her interview defend her working mom status. When asked how could she be a mother to five and still be VP, her answer was "Just like a man could".

    Bullshit. I'm not one of those who's vicious in my attacks on working moms. I don't buy into the whole hyped-up "Working moms vs. Stay At Home moms" debate. For one thing... some women just don't have a choice. For another, some women just plain old love what they do, and motherhood isn't the only thing that defines them--nor should it. I don't think that it's impossible to have several children and have a high-profile and/or demanding career. Women do it all the time. I know several who do... and do a good job at it, generally speaking. And sometimes they hire nannies and lots of help. OR... have a husband who stays at home and really holds down the family. Or sometimes both parents work but the moms I know still will hold a lionshare of the guilt as they struggle with their decision, occasionally questioning their mothering ability as they shuttle kids back and forth to schools and daycare and therapies and dentists and doctors appointments and still make the 8:30A meeting without vomit on their shoulder.

    Because you can't do it "just like a man" because you're NOT a man. There is always that physical pull between mother and child, for the simple fact that because for somewhere from 7 to 9 months, you shared physical space in the same body. Unless of course you adopt, but even then you worry about bonding. And there are things that women will struggle with when they make the choice to work outside the home. And not for nothing... men don't generally struggle with the same guilt. That's why it's called "mommy guilt".

    I have known women to have kids and then immerse themselves in their career with very little thought. It's their choice, of course; but the women I've dealt with--one in particular comes to mind--who do that and put their careers before their kids without that element of mommy guilt... I tend not to like. Not cuz they put their career ahead of their kids but because they tend to put their careers ahead of ALL relationships, and tend not to be very nice people in general.

    And then of course, Trig is going to have special needs. If he were born without those special needs, and he's your fifth kid, it's totally feasible you'd be back to work pretty quickly. I mean, you're used to it all by now, and moms tend to be more and more cavalier with each kid they have. Consequently, younger children tend to be a lot more self-sufficient than their older siblings. But still... if you know your baby is going to have issues...wouldn't you be a little more attentive?

  • Palin is really "white"
    Let's face it. Racism and stereotyping is alive and well in this great nation of ours. At best, there's a truce. At worse there's all-out nastiness. A lot of times there's an uneasy peace. I said elsewhere on my blog that Palin is the kind of "white" chick that brownskinned women tend to go to war with because they tend to not have any frame of reference in dealing with us. All they see is themselves, and their world, and how they fit into it. If you don't fit into the way they view the world, they literally don't see you. They never pick you on their teams. They pass right over you in the PTA, handing the "fun stuff" to their friends, never acknowledge you or your suggestions in meetings. Completely ignore you at work. Make assumptions about your "shiftiness" if you don't look them in the eye, or accuse you of being "lazy" when you take too many breaks at work. Mind you, you took only one... but they'll come looking for you in the bathroom while you're peeing if they think you took too long, cuz you're "black", and "black" people don't really like to work. Their attitudes extend to other "white" women who don't fit into their world, of course, but as a brown-skinned woman it has a particular undertone that's sort of hard to explain. But I betcha there are brown women out there who understand what I'm trying to say.

  • I can't stand her hair-do
    Yeah that may be trivial, but her hair-do reminds me of the bullet point above. It's just an overall feeling that beehive gives, and it's not a warm/fuzzy feeling. And her glasses don't help either. I know, I know. It sounds catty. But I'm not being catty. The look she has going is so "white" that it just makes me uneasy. Even Hillary has some style. Even McCain's wife has some style; scary Republican "Muffy's mom at the country club" style, but style nonetheless. But Palin's style is "HUGE nasty fish in a small pond" style and it bothers me.

  • I don't like her policies
    We need gun-control in this country. There are too many miseducated idiots running around with vendettas and it's too easy for them to get guns. I once saw a man bleed to death on a Harlem sidewalk, shot in the head. He kept trying to pick himself up off the sidewalk, blood and brains making a dark river leading into the gutter. It was awful. We've got to figure out how to either get them off the street or make it harder for unlicensed guns to find their way into stupid hands.

    Abortion may not be desirable, but it's a necessary evil to allow women to have safe, clean abortions in a safe, clean place. And if you're going to make abortion illegal, you HAVE to have cheap, available, guilt-free birth control and blatant sex education. Cuz point blank, people are going to have sex. These days, in certain age groups, sex is a sport. In certain circles, it's even a spectator sport. I'm finding that people are pretty cavalier about who and when they sleep with people. Not everyone in this country is white, Republican, Christian and practices abstinence. And even if they are the first three, they're not practicing abstinence since obviously Palin's own daughter wasn't practicing abstinence. Telling a teenager "Don't have sex" is pretty much inviting them to try to figure out why they shouldn't. I admit, I'm pretty hard-core against late-term abortions. I really think you should be able to figure out what you're going to do in the first 12 weeks of discovering you're pregnant, but it's not my life or my decision. And some people don't even realize their pregnant... sex and pregnancy and deciding to have children is not an absolute thing. And it can't be dictated by government.

    I don't know what planet Palin is living on... but polar bears are dying. Their environment is already suffering. If we start drilling in Alaska, are we really sure it won't affect the already delicate environment and affect the ice caps further? How can she be so sure? How can she know more than a scientist?

  • Rumors of Palin's vendettas are a little disturbing
    It kinda fits into my overall unease of her. People like that should NOT be politicians. That's how we ended up in Iraq.

  • She's barely been outside Alaska
    and barely been outside the country. Which is OK if you're mayor of Wasilla. Understandable if you're governor of Alaska... they kind of live up in their own world. But for someone who needs to deal with all kinds of people from all kinds of cultures, you have to appear adaptable. You have to be able to relate to Africans and Chinese and Koreans and the British, the Italians and Spaniards and people from Baltimore. Or New Orleans. Or Harlem.

  • Her speech at the RNC REALLY bothered me
    especially when she sneered at "Community Organizers". It was her miseducation about how important those people can be, and her willingness to dismiss what she didn't know as being irrelevant that really really bothered me.

  • There were other, scarier but qualified women McCain could have picked
    and it bothers me he picked her. And I think he picked her cuz she's the kind of chick who appears independent and a "fighter" but basically everything they do is geared to pleasing the establishment. They totally buy into stereotypes, into what they've been told by old white men. They don't investigate for themselves. They don't question. It's dangerous.

  • Her signature looks like that of a megalomaniac

    So maybe none of what I feel is relevant to picking a Vice President. But I don't think so... cuz there's a good chance she could be president. And the prospect of her as president is scarier than if they changed the law and managed to get GW to be president for 12 years instead of 8. Which would be pretty fucking scary.

Other random things that bother me, but it's late and I can't elaborate:
  • How come Palin is more qualified to be president, but Obama isn't? Really??
  • This bailout of AIG/possibly other big businesses while there's no "bailout" on foreclosed homes or ridiculous student loan debt: are they fucking kidding me????
  • Are we really gonna be screwed over again with another 4 years of Republican bullshit because people can't get over voting for a brown man?
  • How freaking scary is it to see well-heeled former executives and office-workers on line for a job fair in NYC???

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Still Here...

...about the same place as Thursday. My mother is now stressing about me, but she tends to the melodramatic. I'm OK. Not happy... with a lot of things, trying to put them all in perspective. Shit doesn't heal overnight. A cut only takes a second, but it can take months to heal and I guess that's about where I'm at.

But I AM healing.

Just slower than I'd like... but I think it's cuz my resistance was down to begin with. But I want my "happy" back... and I DO know I'm the only person who's going to get it for me.

I've decided to dye the back of my hair deep purple. It's cheaper and less permanent than a tattoo, and less painful than a tongue piercing. Maria my hairdresser was even excited.

I'm kinda at a standstill today... but I'm getting there.

I know what I need in life... I know it in my soul. And I'll be OK... at some point.

But I'm alive right now, dammit, and sometimes that's all that matters....

Oh... the other day, Tuesday, was the first anniversary of Mr. Kip's passing. Upstairs neighbor returned from South Africa early the day before. She got up on Tuesday and finally took out all of his clothes. On Friday I went with her and Thumbelina to get our hairs did, and we had a pleasant time.

The Sun is growing; his face is changing, the fuzz on his lip a little more pronounced. His feet are starting to smell. The cleft in his chin is deepening. I notice that when he showers, um, he's a little more grown-up looking than he used to be. It helps that his father and I are talking, because I'm going to need a man's hand as the kid gets bigger. And he's gonna be big. SD said he sent a check for violin lessons, which helped me tremendously. We're getting his health insurance coverage through the child support order finally straightened out. We have to plan the Christmas visit which I'm unhappy about but I have other things to worry about.

The principal noticed that the Sun's handwriting is not on the same level as his reading. At all. And the violin teacher has been complaining about his bow-hold for years. The professor said "Sounds like dysgraphia" when I mentioned it her... and so I mentioned it to the principal and we agreed to have the school OT take a look. But otherwise he's great.

I discovered last night that the clocks keeping me awake are BOTH the clock in the Sun's room and the clock in the bathroom... one ticks, and the other tocks right after it. I'd left my bedroom door open cuz Cat stayed up with UN and Thumbelina so he could go mousehunting. Once I identified the sound, it faded into the night and I fell asleep, about two hours earlier than I had been.

I miss TomCat. I miss the time we had... the understanding of each other that we had and how good that felt... but I was wrong about the rest of it. Very wrong... and I HATE being wrong. So the question is... what made me believe so much when I even spelled out the whole sequence of events from the beginning? And that, my dear readers, is my own damn problem. I'm following the strands into the deepest darkest of my own psyche... and I know where it leads but I'm not sure I'm gonna share just yet.

But I do know I'm ready, mentally for my own "Ride or Die"... but I have to make room for him in my life. I had blocked up a lot of holes in fight against TF/SD. Wore rings on every finger... even my ring finger. I'm even contemplating taking off some of my rings... I've already stripped down some of my bracelets.

I have to attack my closets and my filing cabinets still. Putting it off cuz it seems a daunting task. And nobody can really do it but me.

I have a path... I just have to get the energy to follow it and some days it's easier to do than others. But I have a path.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


maybe I'm feeling better. It could also be the sort-of euphoric sense one gets when one has had very little sleep.

Normally, I just keep myself until I'm too tired to dream, but fall asleep the instant I get into bed. Not last night. Last night, my mind kept racing... and even worse, every damn little noise in the apartment kept me awake. For instance, the ticking of a clock. What fucking clock??? I kept wondering, since any of the manual clocks in the house are all in other rooms... there are two clocks in the Sun's room... one is over his head and sort of makes a noise, the other is his alarm clock.

There is a tiny travel clock in the bathroom.

There's a wall clock in the kitchen.

The two clocks in my room are digital. And mind you... I had the door closed because Cat has decided that he MUST sleep in the bed with me and leaves unbelievable amounts of hair behind when he does. And I'm severely allergic to Cat, so I've been taking to closing my door. And yet... I could still hear a damn clock ticking. Loudly. It reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe's story "The Telltale Heart". Which is pretty friggin ironic for various reasons...

And then Cat was thoroughly pissed off that I wouldn't let him in the room, and yewled and scratched at the door for quite some time. When I finally fell asleep it was probably 5A... I was afraid to look. And I have to get up at 6:30. Except I woke up about 6:50, when the Sun's clock went off.

Poor baby was still half asleep as I pushed him out the door to go to school with Shoefly and the Moon. And I came back and laid down again for what turned out to be two hours... missing my "hangout time" with FatLady and OneHalf... which sucked.

But despite that... I'm starting to feel better--a little less heavy. And I completely admit that part of it has to do with Hope creeping round the corners of my heart... but the other part is a determination to change my life.

Another realization I had was that this summer marked 10 years in my apartment. I think that this is probably the longest time I have ever lived in one place... in one town/one apartment in my entire life. And I think it made me slightly stir crazy. I can't afford to move... I don't want to move. I hate moving, actually, having done it far too frequently. But there is something about moving into a new home, painting, reorienting things that's refreshing. So my "cleanup" and reorganization of my apartment needs to continue... and I might even have to paint. As much as I love the paint job in my apartment, it may be time to change.

If I paint anything it'll be the living room because that was the first room in the house that was painted when I moved in. But ooh lord what a job that will be... so I might start first with changing the window treatments. And of course this requires money, which of course I have none of... but this is the first that I've even considered a change this big.

The other thing is I made an appointment to go in to the sailmaking place next Wednesday so they can start to show me the ropes. And I kind of look forward to it.

And I'm feeling like I might be able to do something creative again... especially once I'm organized.

So maybe... maybe I'm feeling better. Cautiously optimistic.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sometimes It's Not

...easy. And sometimes it's easier.

The doldrums got me which is why I haven't been writing... but as bad as I feel I'm not the only one suffering.

There's much to say... spaghetti-like thoughts wrapping around each other but if I start I'll be writing for hours and for once I think I'm going to head off to bed.

I can tell you though that life is so weird for me because my heart is SO in one place and my head is SO in another... and I think... (hey, it just hit me... ) it is the major malfunction in my life. Trying to balance my heart and my head.

Because I still, still, as crazy as it sounds, still am ever hopeful. I asked for signs, and I got them... but then my head wonders "are you crazy? Look at the FACTS. How dumb can you be?" But my heart is screaming "believe! believe! you have to believe because if you don't everything else is wrong!"

It's paralyzing.

But it looks like I'll be working at a small privately owned factory that makes sails for boats. A whole new adventure.... nothing to do with anything I know anything about. Which might be exactly what I need right now.

But before I ramble some more, I'm going to bed. But I'm going to post this picture, for no other reason than it means something to me and my heart... shit like this is what makes me hold on...

And hey, by the way... y'all scared yet? The economy is in the shitter... I'd be scared but I'm already screwed so what difference does it make to me? Not a whole hell of a lot. Though if Sallie Mae goes under, I wonder... but that would be too much to hope for...

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sometimes It's Easy

and sometimes it's not, and I was doing OK and then things got a little strange. For one thing, SD is here... and while we're friendly, there are still some things that really get under my skin about him. Which is a relief... because we've been so "lovey dovey" with each other it tends to make me lose sight of what it was exactly that pissed me off about him.

And yet I don't ever forget... it's always sitting there in the back of my mind. It's strange. He is my Beloved's father... and there were times we got along great and times I loved him... but there were so many more times when being around him made me bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from screaming. And the court case and the war only ended in what... May, June? It was so anticlimactic that I haven't even marked it in my mind... but it's odd to go from bitter war to truce in just a few months. And no, I didn't go to dinner with them. I'm going with the flow but it's an uneasy peace.

He got in Friday morning, early enough to attend the PA meeting at the school. I brought the Sun and Moon in to school, along with the Sun's clothes for the weekend, and SD and I stood together while I pointed out all of the Sun's school friends. And then we sat beside each other at the PA meeting, and I introduced him to the parents that were there. And we saw TomCat, who was cordial but working. It was all pretty mundane.

Later, TomCat (we speak... but that's it pretty much) asked me if SD was staying with me. "HELL FUCKING NO!" I said... with an emphasis that seemed to surprise TomCat.

Which leads me briefly to something, which is... it still sucks, being around him. TomCat I mean. I keep having flashbacks of how very sure I was of him. How real it was for me... and I don't really think it was "unreal" for him... but I have a feeling that he's damaged goods and unwilling to heal himself. He says he's working on stuff... but I dunno. The cynic in me says "actions speak louder than words" and his actions aren't real promising.

And I'm not saying much more than that about it, but it was an interesting moment to be in between two people... one who I would prefer to have nothing to do with except for the fact that we have a child in common and so we must... and one who I would give my heart to if he let me.

SD came by with the Sun on Saturday to drop off stuff and pick up more stuff. I was outside my front door with Thumbelina attempting to pawn my crap off on unsuspecting passersby for a small fee (a sidewalk sale). So when they came by, I couldn't really entertain them. SD was very reluctant to enter the apartment at first (and I was reluctant to let him in... cuz you know with Vampires once you let them in you can't get them out), but they wanted to unhook the Sun's PlayStation to take to the hotel room, and I wasn't about to do it. The TV is heavy and I'd plugged the PS into the back of the stereo receiver which is hooked up to the TV and it was gonna be a pain to move and unhook all that. But SD was relentless... and so pulled everything out to unhook it. And I could feel my stress level begin to rise. It's one of the things that was guaranteed to start some kind of a fight back in the day... but somehow I figured I'd just let it go, and went back outside. And to his credit, he was neat and put everything back. Except there's no way I'm gonna hook it back up the way I had it.

But anyway. It was a turning point, I guess. A milestone. I combed the Sun's hair and they took off... the Sun glowing that his dad had been able to come to the house, into his room, and that he was able to touch base with me.

Thumbelina said later he's on lithium. She herself has a long history of mental issues and diagnoses (but her final diagnoses is manic/depressive and multiples and rage issues) and so I believe her. She would know. But I can say that whatever he's on... he's definitely in a better place than he's been in a while. But he still makes me uneasy.

I made a whopping 20 bucks or so... and $10 of it came from Thumbelina who is also a shopaholic and has 300 pairs of jeans. She donated some to sell and gave me the money. And a few dollars was from a few Hotwheels of the Sun's I sold at 2/$1. He has a huge box of them. I put $6 in his sock drawer.

Thumbelina is awesome. She's an extremely generous person, and not only did she sit with me for most of the day, but she helped me pack up all the crap that didn't go anywhere, load it into her car and drove it down the street to the church, where we donated it. Awesome. Tons of crap gone. Next, I'm starting on my filing credenza....

And then I put on the dress the TomCat bought me back when were first fooling around with each other, and took the train into the city and met Fluffernutter at his job. When we were in school he had long black hair, and I guess after he broke up with the girlfriend he cut it ALL off. But he's still cute. And still really really nice... and all the (very young) people he works with are also pretty cool and we all went out to eat and then ended up in some bar in the east Village. And I drank way too much, and way too many different things rather than sticking to tequila. Mainly cuz tequila--GOOD tequila--is way expensive.

So I got pretty tanked. And I may have had a slightly better time if one of the younger co-workers of Fluffernutter hadn't been blatantly trying to push up on him, and he was digging the attention and I'm too old (and so not in the mood) to fight that kind of thing. Especially not after TomCat.

About 3A, I got in a cab home. The minute I walked in the door at home, I realized I lost my friggin Treo. Drat. And an earring. I took my two Excedrin and stayed up as long as I could, and then went to bed. I find that procedure wards off nasty hangovers.

This morning I got up pretty early, drank coffee, took a shower and then hit a brick wall. I accomplished nothing today, other than reporting my phone lost to Sprint. Thank God I had insurance on the thing, so for a $50 deductible they'll send me out a new Treo... even the same color I had before. Awesome. Except I have to wait for it to get here... and I'm phoneless till then cuz Sprint doesn't do loaner programs (which I didn't find out till later).

But the loneliness sucked today. I think I'm at the point of realizing that there are things about TomCat specifically that I miss... and miss really badly. But overall I'm really fucking tired of living alone. Or rather, without another adult. And more specifically, having a partner. And so I miss the fact that for one shiny moment I had it-- what I wanted, and I allowed myself to be wholehearted about it, and it wasn't the real thing. And I am really disappointed. I've talked to my close friends... ones who bitch about their life partners and question whether they should stay in the relationships they are in. And what I try to explain to them is... but you HAVE something worth wondering about. There are reasons to stay in the relationship despite the problems... and as long as there are reasons (particularly when love is a reason) it's worth trying for. As long as there isn't abuse, or the terrible sense of being lonely when you're in the same room (cuz I've had that feeling and THAT sucks worse than being actually being alone), it's worth getting through it.

I'd seen a re-run of an "Ellen" show recently, and Will Smith was on. Ellen had asked him how he and Jada Pinkett-Smith have managed to stay together in Hollywood, and his response was that they had both decided that divorce wasn't going to be an option. And that when you took the option to leave out of the equation, whatever hardships you faced the question will never be "Should I leave now?" but rather "OK, how are we going to get through this?" I've seen that with my parents.... Poppy jokes that the reason they have managed to stay together 45 years is because he was too lazy to leave, and Bigbear was too stubborn to quit. It may not sound like a good reason... but the bottom line is that for both of them, leaving wasn't an option. And I know that when I got married... I remember telling myself I had the option to leave. And I ended up leaving... because I knew from the git he wasn't someone I should have married. But I was much younger then....

I had tried to explain this to TomCat once, and he was unconvinced. And I think that pretty much sums up what happened to us. But it still sucks. And I felt it today and it was immobilizing, because there ain't shit I can do but go through it.

Then the Sun calls and says he and his dad want to come by and drop more stuff off and pick up the Sun's Jet jersey. But I had decided to go to the Sprint store and see if I could get a loaner... and Thumbelina had offered to drive. Which worked GREAT for me, because the LAST thing I want SD to think is that he can come and go as he pleases, and that I'll wait for them like I used to. Cuz he used to hijack my day. So I called them to say go by Shoefly's and I would leave the jersey there.... and SD got a little annoyed cuz he couldn't understand why I couldn't "just wait 20 minutes". Uh no... I can't. Thumbelina is driving and there will be traffic and I have to get there by 6P and I don't want to jack up her day. That Shoefly was OK with hosting "stuff", and to just go over there.

I know it annoyed him cuz when I called him later he put the Sun on the phone and wouldn't talk to me. Oh well!!! But I was glad I stuck to my guns.

And then later... not too long ago tonight I had a brief online chat with Fluffernutter, in which I told him I'd had a good time, even though I lost my phone AND it cost me $40 to get home. He said I should have just crashed at his house... and I said I would have except I detected that Chickie was trying to push up on him. And he made me laugh by saying that indeed she had... and that for a minute he was going with it but she was trying too hard and he got bored and that he doesn't like doing hook-ups anyway. And I remembered again why I'd liked him before. He's just nice. And more honest than a lot of other people. So we agreed to hang out again with less booze and more art. Well, more art. So that made me feel a little better.... and we have always had nice conversations.

In a few hours I'm walking up the street to a sailmaking place out here on the rock, to see if I can get a part time job...

And then I go get my Peanut, who I have missed so very much.

And I got through the past few days and only cried a couple of times... and not while I was drunk, either. Which is a good sign...

Friday, September 12, 2008

Plug for Poppy

Poppy was in Cleveland on September 11 to receive his award from the Anisfield-Wolf Book awards.

And apparently he was on TV and radio out there.

Here's a link to the radio show he was on. I believe you'll be able to download it as a podcast....

updated link 9/17/08 - Poppy's on about 35:00 in the broadcast.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A Pause To Remember...

that seven years ago on a beautiful, clear day the world changed. Not every one's world changed to the same degree... for some it was probably the most terrible day ever imagined... but the world changed.

You can't have that many souls set free on a single day and not have it affect the universe.

Seven years and a lot of the pain and horror has faded for me, mainly because I didn't lose anyone too close; my mom's neighbor, the ex of another neighbor, and the close friend of a friend. People I knew by name and had met, but no one very close. I ran into a newer acquaintance out here on the Rock last week... she had lost her brother that day. And while she spoke of moving on and not attending any of the ceremonies, and how she and her family will remember him by doing something "fun" that he would have liked, I could see in her face that the pain of that day will never leave her. It was like looking into a dark tunnel.

So today, I'm thinking of Meggie, who lost her brother seven years ago today... and I hope that she's somewhere doing something fun with her family.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

To My "White" Sisters...

the ones who've given McCain a boost in the polls over the last few days. You can't be serious. You can't think Sarah Palin is gonna be good for you, can you? You can't really be so set on seeing a woman president (which is a real possibility) that you're willing to risk everything strong women have really fought for all this time???

You can't see through what the Good Ol' boys are doing, by bringing her on? Can't see how GW and Cheney and McCain are grinning in the background... almost certain they'll get another 8 years to wreak havoc on the poor?

Can't see through the "soccermom" hairdo and glasses, and snide and sarcastic delivery?

I see the media is becoming infatuated with her, too... talking about how even though she's pro-life, she didn't actively seek to overturn Alaska's liberal pro-choice laws when she had the chance. Well, no she didn't... but she DID slash funds to a program geared to helping young unwed mothers...

And you think she's got a Special Needs child and so she'll look out for those of you with kids with special needs? I was blessed with a healthy baby... and I can't know the pain and hardship of what that's like... but I have watched several people in real life struggle with cancer and deafness and autism in their children... and I can tell you that they are careful to attend to the (very great) needs of their children and are not parading them in front of thousands of people at all hours of the night. And most of them took considerable time away from work--sometimes even quitting jobs if they could, to attend to all the needs of their little ones. They certainly weren't traipsing cross-country, leaving their special ones in the care of their seven-or-eight-year old older siblings.

The bottom line is... we're trying to elect a President. And while McCain is old... there's still a damn good chance he'll just continue to be Old. And President.

Just think about it. Do some fact-checking.

Don't vote for McCain just cuz you've been snowed by GunTotinCheerleaderBitchBarbie...

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


...I am. Somehow. Resigned again to the fact that there is no happy ever after, the snake always bites the person who saved it, the leopard can't change it spots, and it's likely you'll kiss a thousand frogs in your lifetime. Period.

Numbness creeping back in... but at this point it is such a welcome relief from the rawness that was August. Tears come less... and it actually requires a little effort. Which is good.

And besides there are more important things to worry about, like the fact that all of a sudden I am in the worst financial shape I've been in since I was at Pratt, and I've got to finish cleaning and reorganizing my apartment, and SD will be here this weekend.

SD had sort of asked if maybe the Sun and he and I could all go to dinner... ogodno. I can't go through that again. I only told him politely, "yeah maybe" cuz I couldn't think of a good "no" answer fast enough... but ever since then I've been trying to line up activities to keep me off The Rock.

One of them is Fluffernutter... my old crush from Pratt. I highly doubt anything interesting will come of it, since he tends to the "cute, dark-eyed and perky" Hispanic type chick, which I am decidedly not, but we're sort of in the same boat emotionally and it might be nice to hang out, outside my comfort zone. And we always had a good time hanging out. I actually hope it works out.

Nene, the cocky bastard, has the nerve to be gloating over all this... if you can believe it. He called a few times to see how I was and when I told him I wasn't, he gleefully said "well, you knew it was gonna happen... you knew he was the 'hit it and quit it' type". To which I replied "well, but after awhile it hadn't seemed that way, and besides, you know how I am... I only do one thing at a time". And he said quietly "yeah, I know..." which was really nice of him because it meant he does know how I am. I have to say... I appreciate him even more now, because his honesty was unfailing. I value that in a person. And I'm sad to see (although it should give me a little joy, I guess) that what I predicted for him with his return to babymamma is true... she's back to taking over his life, and in my mind he's getting short shrift. But he's OK with it... which just makes you wonder why people live the lives they do...

We went back to karate today, the Sun and I... the Sun protesting mightily. But it felt good to work out again and to feel physical pain rather than mental pain, and I only wimped out on a few things but not nearly as many things as I thought I would wimp out on. In the dressing room changing out of my dripping wet t-shirt, I noticed that I'm almost happy with the way I look again. Depression can be a really useful appetite suppressant. So see, there's good in everything... BigSensei noticed the weight loss and said that now all we have to do is tone.

Halloween SlutQueen Outfit, here I come.

The Sun and I are adjusting to the school schedule... getting all his various activities lined up and scheduled. He wanted to drop violin but I can't let him... he's gone too far to quit, and now he's in the junior ensemble at Opus. I got a call the other day informing me he needed to come to practice since the ensemble will be playing at Carnegie Hall in October.

He only shrugged his shoulders when I told him... it meant nothing to him but to me... WOW!!! HOW FRIGGIN' KEWL!!!!

Oh, and Poppy flies out to Cleveland tomorrow to accept his lifetime achievement award from the Anisfield-Wolf book awards... His picture is up on the site now, the one I took.

And that's about it. I'm still really sad and disappointed at the way things turned out but whatever. I did know it was gonna happen. And I'm pretty certain that I'm OK with walls again... at least for the time being. Till the next time...

And at least now I know I need dish detergent.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Video Killed The Radio Star

...and decimated American Culture.

I must sound like the oldest fuddieduddiest person on the planet... I'm only 43. But I think it's true.

The Elders say things like "When I was a kid, we did such and such"... and we giggle, but when the Elders talk, they're talking 40-60 years ago.

For me, it's been what, 20 years?

I remember sitting up late to watch the premiere of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" Video. A few years later, when I broke up with my husband and moved into my own apartment at 24, I got cable TV and became addicted to MTV. It kept me company those late nights in that ratty ass studio apartment on a block infested with crackheads and drunks. I would literally run down the block at night on my way home from work... that block scared the shit out of me, and I grew up in Harlem. But the rent was like $325 which was about what I could afford. Eleven months later I moved back into my mother's building, and breathed a sigh of relief.

But those few months I lived up on 147 (which is now completely unrecognizable) I kept MTV on all the time, and my favorite was Head Banger's Ball with Adam Curry.

The lover I had at the time... 11 years older than me and thought himself a quite worldly gentleman, would come over and watch with me... and it inspired him to get a job there as a salesperson. And then he looked out for me and got me a job there with the strict instruction that I was never to let on we were seeing each other. Which was fine by me... I ended up falling in love with Jersey Boy who was more my age anyhow.


When I got there it was like no other job I'd had before or since. To say all we did after work was drink (and do drugs and sometimes each other) was an understatement. The parties were outrageous. We had a box at Madison Square Garden, the sales team did, and for lesser, ordinary events the support staff (which was me and some other chicks) would get to go... and the box always had food and alcohol. I tell you there's nothing like free alcohol. Even the boringest Circus is fun with free alcohol.

And the Christmas parties were insane. They used to rent out the old Ritz on 57th street (or something similar) and there'd be entertainment and dj's and booze. One Christmas party I did 8 shots of tequila and 8 margaritas, and had a good old duttywine with Dr. Dre, a VJ who went on to become a radio DJ. My life could have been a lot different if I hadn't been grabbed by someone to retrieve JerseyBoy, who I'd started to date openly (and secretly dumped the Old Man for). He had also done 8 tequila shots, but since he wasn't dancing when he stood up he passed out.

At another party, Tom Freston's secretary got into a drunken fistfight with another Senior Executive's (maybe even Sumner Redstone, but I was drunk and can't recall--but I do know it was a company biggie cuz we all buzzed about it for days) secretary right in the coat-check line. Too much fun.

When they pre-taped the MTV New Year's Eve Video Countdown, they did it with real alcohol in real time, so by "midnight" we were all soused and jumping around to the Red Hot Chili Peppers--live--or whoever was hot that year.

At first, all MTV played was videos, and mainly rock and roll videos, which has always been about sex and drugs. (And for what it's worth, the racism displayed by not showing "black" videos on the network at the time, completely reflected the culture of the workplace.) The lifestyle that the rock and rollers lived spilled over into the culture behind the scenes, and we were all partying like rockstars. But most people outside of my job weren't living like that at all.

Back then, and for a few years after I left MTV, I never missed watching the VMA's. After awhile though, I lost interest in MTV, particularly after they started putting on all these "reality" shows and playing less music. And so I haven't watched the VMA's in years.

But I did tonight... and I was struck by how much the culture of the rock star has taken over every day life, particularly for young people who grew up watching MTV. In that world everyone dresses like vixen or a video hoe, and the guys are all Kid Rock or Lil Wayne and the world is one long party only slightly punctuated by actually having a job or a life or a kid. Or maybe not.

It's a little sad, actually. Cuz I remember back before all that... and it wasn't that long ago. When people weren't living their life like they're on "Real World" or "The Hills" or in a Pussycat Dolls Video.

Now I'm still young enough to thoroughly enjoy sex, drugs, and rock and roll... and give me half a chance and I'll throw on something skintight and show my rock moves (and now with my new depression-induced diet I intend to milk it somehow while I got it) but damn. 24 hours a day? It's not good for the skin, for one thing...

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Lord, if the rest of the country believes this crap that just was McCain (Professor christened him WoundedKen).... God help us. Seriously. We're fucked Baked Alaska-Style.

All I heard, Charlie Brown style, was "I did this, and I did that, and I fight for this" and then he trotted out his war story.

And they have the nerve to say they didn't hear a plan from Obama?

So let me get this straight... be white, wave a flag, be patriotic and uh, that'll stir the economy enough so they'll start hiring graphic designers again and I'll have a job? Or, if I don't get a job... there'll be ways to help me in the meantime?

It'll lower my taxes? Pay for my kid's education? Bring the cost of gas (and thus everything else) down?

And even better, if he dies before he wakes, we have GunTotinCheerleaderBitchBarbie to pick up the flag and carry on?

I need to find me a voter registration drive to volunteer for... Matter of fact I'm gonna start a text chain letter.

The Ups And Downs, A Carousel

Today (well, now yesterday since it's after midnight) was a MUCH better day. Tuesday sucked. Hopeless. I hate cracking in front of my kid... visions of books with titles like "Why Is Mommy Crying?" jump into my head and I wonder if I should buy them. But my family has never hid emotion from each other...

...I remember once sitting at the kitchen table in our house at 38 Montgomery Ave in Kingston; my sister, myself, my Mom and Poppy, and all of a sudden Poppy burst into tears. We looked up in surprise and he said "I miss my mommy". She had died when he was 19. I remember all of us surrounding him with hugs...

so I don't feel too badly, cuz I told The Sun I know I'll be OK... it's just stuff I have to work through. And I did tell him a little bit about the things that were making me sad.

But today was better. I fell asleep Tuesday night (well really Wednesday morning) having a conversation with the Higher Power. I don't ask for much, generally. I try to remember to say "Thank you" for things... big and small... and to be honest, I'd kinda gotten lax on the "Thank You's" lately. So I apologized for that, and I asked for clarity. There's some stuff I need clarity on. Like when I was in school... about halfway through and broke as hell, behind in the rent. It was winter. I was fighting SD. I was supposed to go to Foodstamps that day but it was snowing. And I had to call the Foodstamp office to make sure they weren't closed. I remember standing at the window that morning, looking at the grey, and crying. I asked the Higher Power that day for a sign... a definitive sign, to let me know I was doing the right thing. Because if I wasn't... if I was sacrificing my kid and my sanity and going broke on a path I wasn't meant to be following, I was going to quit, get a job, go back to "reality". And I asked for a sign to let me know that I was supposed to stay in school.

That very same day.... not only did the Foodstamp office stay open ("I'm answering the phone, aren't I?" the bitchy lady said when I asked if anyone was there working that day) but I got a letter from a church outreach program letting me know they gave me a grant of $750.

So I know for a fact that when you ask the Higher Power, in desperation and in tears, for a sign... you'll get one.

And I got one bright and early this morning... 8:46A to be exact. And then another one later in the day.

And the Clarity I got was... I need to decide what I want. Cuz it's not them, it's me. And I'm 100% certain about what I want. I'm about 95% certain of who I want it from. OK, maybe 90%, since 5% is fear I'm not seeing clearly and 5% leaves me open to wonder.

But I didn't cry once today.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

OK, Seriously...

I made up my mind.

Sarah Palin scares the crap out of me.

She's the type of Caucasian woman that will piss a lot of forward-thinking women off... but brown women in particular go to war with women like her.

Self-righteous, condescending and holier-than-thou, she uses "True Blue to America" and the right to bear arms and the "protection of life" and patriotism against you, letting you know with her pressed lips and tightly-clenched jaw that you just don't rate in her world if you don't see it her way. The passably pretty but enormously bitchy head cheerleader who tells you your butt's too big to be on the squad. No, it's not cuz you're black... it's cuz you'll stand out too much. Or you're too heavy and can't be picked up.

The type of woman who gets on the PTA, and yeah, she gets stuff done but tromps on all the other moms who don't agree with her in the process.


Politicks is politicks and they're all smarmy, as far as I'm concerned... but I watched the DNC and came away with it with hope, with pride that my country has a decent shot at overcoming deep-seated racism, that we just might have a shot at making America as it should be... if we all pitch in and help. And EVERYBODY had a place in it. I watched a family who obviously loved each other... a man who loved a woman who stuck by him (the picture of Obama and Michelle that I posted on my blog... I liked that one because his hands are entertwined behind her back) and a woman who loved her husband. And two candidates who seemed to have a genuine respect for each other.

But on the real... the RNC filled me with fear. The occasional brown face in the crowd... the perfectly coiffed and pearled and suited everyone-else... Love Tim McGraw and country music, but I half-expected to see the Confederate Flag waving.
And Giuliani... still trotting out his ONE acceptable accomplishment which was doing his job during 9/11. I never liked Giuliani, never ever voted for him, and he only redeemed himself to me during those awful days following the WTC disaster because he kept everyone informed about what was going on. He was calm, he was reassuring... but that was the one good thing he ever did the whole time we were stuck with him. I watched his speech in horror... mean-spirited, sneering. In fact, as far as I could see, nobody tonight offered up a plan... just ripped apart the Democrats with skewed facts and fear mongering.

Palin... yeah she had her family with her... but I didn't see "warm and fuzzy"... not to her kids (one of the little daughters following her around and she never even saw; the family held the baby, not her...) and not to her running mate. And it's just so convenient for her patriotism to have a son going off to war, and to have a "Special Needs" kid. The one she barely held or kissed. The one there'll be nannies and specialists caring for if she's VP cuz she'll be too busy to really deal with her own children.

I'm sure the right-wingers bought into it hook line and sinker... I can see the spin spinning but from where I sit?

...if McCain/Palin get into the White House brown folk are fucked. It's going to be more of the same... SuperSized Alaska-style. Cuz yeah McCain is scary on his own. But he's also old. And not looking the picture of vim and vigor. To have Palin a heartbeat away from the Presidency is not something I'm at all comfortable with.

I'd take Hillary over her ANY DAY. And y'all know how I feel about her...

but what the hell do I know... I live on the DarkSide....


really pisses me off.

This Palin thing... I said when I posted the story the other day that teenage pregnancy is something that can happen to ANYBODY... hell... we dealt with the subject as a family our damn selves. Matter of fact, we're dealing with it again, as the Professor's 16YO step daughter, Moodmagicbarbie's half sister, is also pregnant.

But lets be real, shall we?

  1. When Black and Hispanic teens have babies, "taxpayers" get all up in arms about expecting their hard-earned tax dollars going to welfare to support these girls.
  2. Nobody talks about Black and Hispanic girls "choosing to keep" their babies... which not-for-nothing, is what happens, especially in Catholic/Latino households. And Black girls have a very high sense of morals when it comes to abortion. If they have no real reason NOT to have a baby, if they are not focused on a path, they willingly accept "the responsibility". And they DO try to "work it out" with the babydaddies, and more babydaddies are involved. Circumstances/joblessness/hopelessness/despair and a complete lack of support for young families will often push them apart... but they don't start out thinking "oooh I know!!! I'm gonna milk the welfare system!"
  3. If Obama's teenage daughter was pregnant... what do you honestly, truly think the "spin" and the damage would have been???? Seriously.
  4. It was NOT AT ALL cool when it was perceived that only young Black and Hispanic teens were the ones "popping out babies". Now that Jamie Lynn Spears has been forgiven by the almighty Disney, and now young Palin, all of a sudden folks talk about "now, now, lets be understanding?" Let me tell you EXACTLY how understanding people were of the Diva when she was pregnant... even though she was 19 going on 20... she looked years younger. They shot her nasty looks, made comments, refused to let her sit on trains. Treated her like shit in the clinic waiting room.
Pisses me the fuck off.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Yesterday I Managed....

not to cry.

Today... not so good. I got my Sun up to school; Shoefly and the Moon and us traveled in to the city together. My little man is in 4th grade. Big, fuzzy boy...

I sat with Fatlady and OneHalf and some other PA folk, welcoming new parents to our school.

I came home afterwards, and worked for two hours on the logo project that I'm not enjoying so much.

I went back and got the kid. I managed, through all this, not to cry though I wanted to.

Brought my little one home and lost it... right there in front of him, sitting at the kitchen table. He was very sweet and grown and gave me hugs. I told him I'd be OK... but sometimes grownups get sad.

I guess maybe I'm starting to get a little angry, and that doesn't help. I'm still bewildered.

I really want for this to be over, for this feeling to go away. I feel like I have the flu or something--you know, when you're so annoyingly sick but there's nothing much you can do... antibiotics don't work on viruses. You just have to sleep and drink fluids and pray for relief.

I'm praying for relief.

I probably shouldn't even write all this, make this so public... but I started writing to keep me sane and I think it's still working...

fuck it. Everybody has bad days and bad times right? It's nothing new...

Monday, September 1, 2008

Dish Detergent

A little over a week ago, I wrote about what it's like to realize what it is you need. That it's like walking into a store and not really knowing what it is you came in there for, and spending money and wasting time and then you get home and realize you needed dish detergent. And that now I know I need dish detergent.

The thing is, even before TomCat and all through Nene I had been working out in my head the things I really needed and wanted in life. And came to admit something that I hadn't felt in a really long time... that I want my "ride-or-die" now. And that was a bit of a revelation to me, cuz up until then I hadn't really thought about it. I assumed I'd get it... my parents have been married 46 years just about... and that's all I really know. How to ride it out with someone. But I hadn't really thought about it.

And all through the war with SD, I was so committed to beating him that I had no time for anything else. And I had to beat him... he was relentless. I knew that I had to beat him in order for there to be peace. And during that war, I profoundly didn't want a ride-or-die. And then all of a sudden, the war was over. No fanfare, no blasting of trumpets... just over.

And I guess that's about when I realized how lonely I can be.

Yeah, there's tons of good shit in my life. I'm proud of myself. I've come a really long way. I've learned a lot and I think that overall, I'm a slightly kinder and gentler person than I used to be... and I like that about me. I like that I've learned how to draw and paint and make things look good in print. Even though I'm insanely broke I like that I've been out of the fray for almost a year... and I enjoy my freedom. I'm committed to figuring out a way to stay free. I love my family... with all the belligerence and moods and snappishness and the noise level... but also with unfailing loyalty and love. That no matter what they all think or tell me, that they are always behind me. When I decided to have my baby one of the reasons I knew I could was because I knew my entire family would back me up. We roll deep... we swagger hard. We fight like cats and dogs and bears and bulls... but we make up and we're always united to the outside world. And this is good.

I love my prepubescent-slightly-smelly-and-fuzzy little boy. There is no me without him. He brought out the best in me. He opened me up to gifts I never knew I had. He's great company. He rolls with the punches. He's very insightful and intuitive.

I love my cat. Silly thing if you're not a pet person... but my cat was my company before the Sun. And he's a good cat, too.

I've got great friends. True blue women I count on... some for stability, some calm the voices, some tell me off. Some have fed me, or even clothed me, hugged me or shook me. Some come in and out of my life and some are always there.

I live in a great location for a kid to be a kid in... the kind of place that if I hadn't grown up running in yards or along the beach in Jamaica, I'd want to grow up in. I love my apartment's layout, the space, the light.

I have most of what I need, physically. Enough clothes, kitchen stuff, art stuff, furniture. As far as "stuff"... I've got more than enough. Borderline too much.

I have my health, for the most part. And in the stress of the past month I've lost weight and the working out has toned me... so for the first time in a while I'm actually pretty healthy.

So that's what's good.

On my own, I am complete. Like South America is complete, and attached to North America. But when you look at South America in context of the globe, you see that it really belongs nestled up under Africa.

And that's what's bad. I need my "ride-or-die"... my other half. The Yin to my Yang. I need it now. I didn't before, but I do now. And what was hardest about this month was realizing that.

July was a fabulous month for me. Probably one of the top 10 best of my life, right up with the February/March that I gave birth. I still believe in what I felt... and I'm not going to go into all of it cuz I don't want to. And I'm not sure why it is that God saw fit to have me experience August... which was probably the worst August I've had since the August I moved to the Rock in '94. That August, like this one, I cried in more public places than I care to recall, in front of more people than I'd like to admit. I completely lost my appetite except for what was necessary, though unlike August of '94 this August I kept my drinking to a bare minimum. Can't say that was a good thing... but sobriety was a necessity, considering the Sun.

I don't care what people say... there is no timeframe that can be set. I don't believe in scheduling emotions. All I know is I feel them completely, and go through them as best I can because the more I tried to shake it or "get over it", the harder it got... the less in control I felt.

So I still hurt. I'm still bewildered. I am questioning... my life, myself, my God. I'm a little pissed off. OK, more than a little pissed off at the unfairness of it. Why? Seriously. Why the fuck why? I REALLY could have done without the crash and burn. It set me back. I always say I don't believe in or hope for "Happy Ever After"... but secretly I do. And I hoped all over again for "Happy Ever After" and all over again was confronted with What Is.

But I know what I need now... I'm straight on that. I know what I need to feel, and I know what I miss. I know that there is no magic potion or formula or anything that will bring it to me... and there is always the possibility that I won't get it, that it's not in my destiny. I hope that God doesn't see it that way, though. But... toward the end of the week I decided that I had to grab ahold of myself cuz I was craving tequila really bad, and it was either succumb to that or go the more politically acceptable route and get legal medication.

But my friends tell me Klonopin makes you stupid and Welbutrin can make you fuzzy and fat.

My good online friend Sydney, who's been checking on me (which makes me really happy somehow) said yesterday "Plan the flight, fly the plan". Which is cool.. cuz she really does fly planes (which is something that had I had the chance I would LOVE to learn how to do. Never mind the fact that I should probably learn to drive first.). I suppose that the flight plan can be a good one or a bad one... but the other day I decided that now that I definitely know I want and need a "ride-or-die", and I know what I need in that person, and I know how I need to feel... I need to make room for it.

And I knew I couldn't start it by myself cuz it was just too overwhelming. So I asked, and today Bigbear and the Professor came up, and I told them what I needed them to do to start me off... and it was accomplished. I gave up my grandparents silver and china to sis, who is much more the person to have that stuff and to use it than I am right now... and I threw out stuff and got other stuff together to donate/have a yardsale with. It wasn't a huge start, but it was enough of a start to keep me focused. I didn't cry once. Even better, I didn't feel the need to. When they left I had a moment... but then it was time to corral the Sun and get him ready for tomorrow... when school starts.

There's a lot more to do... files to go through, closets to clear out. But I'm making room.

Cuz at least I know I need dish detergent now.

So I'm not "better"... but at least I'm moving... and I didn't cry once today.

Who's The Babymama Now?

Palin's 17 year old daughter is pregnant.

The Huffington Post

Not that there's anything inherently wrong or controllable about teenage pregnancy. It's happened to a good many of us, our families, our daughters, nieces, granddaughters.

But it means Palin's gonna be a tad bit preoccupied with family drama...