...cleaning out my closet. I went on a rampage and just threw out a bunch of shit. I do this every spring, and every spring I'm amazed at the amount of crappy clothing I collect. Today all the dowdy, faded, big went out. (And my feet have grown a half size in the last year and a half, and all of a sudden a bunch of shoes I had are just too small. 43... and my feet are still growing. I'm now a 7.5. Before the Sun was born I wore a 6.5.)
And mind you, I dress girly often enough. But most of the time I dress like a teenaged boy. Life is much more comfortable in jeans and layered t-shirts, and despite the fact that Shoefly threatens me with "What Not To Wear" because of the new purple converse on which I ironed my bearmaiden logo onto the ankle, I like dressing like that.
But I'm feeling weird about myself. Honestly, I hate holidays where I don't have my Peanutbutter, because it's then that I really notice my singledom. When the Sun is with me we roll to a friend's, or hang by ourselves. I don't mind being single mommy no matter how old I am. But I'm beginning to mind being the single chick. I have been alone for so fucking long that most people think I like being alone. I don't. It's just that I don't like drama and so I'd rather be alone than deal with bullshit. But then days like today come along and people are hanging with family or husbands or boyfriends, and I realize I'm by myself and have been for the 15 fucking years I've lived on this rock. TF notwithstanding... even when I dated him there were countless functions I went to without him because he was having a bitchfest about something.
It's been a confusing weekend, too. Aside from TF just being his usual asinine self and the worry over my Sun that that entails, I had several brief phone calls. One was from Pennsylvania, just asking about what I was doing. Nothing... at the time I was on my way home from the City.
The next phone call came in the late afternoon, from back at home. Still wondering what I was doing. And then another one later on in the evening. That particular phone call smelled like "bootycall" to me, but at the same time the conversation wasn't exactly about that. I'm no dummy; I know what guys are like. Hell, some of my best friends are guys. But it was confusing, that phone call, and it threw me for a loop. Then today I got another phone call... this one from a bus. Asking a really ridiculous question that could have waited, I dunno, for another time. Why that question had to be asked at 7P in the evening, from a bus, I dunno. I keep wanting to ask "what the fuck do you REALLY want?" but I'm not sure I'd get a straight answer. I'm not even sure they know the answer. Which is worse...
I'm annoyed at myself that I care about this shit cuz I really shouldn't. I'm annoyed that of all the people in the world (some of whom are actually interested in me... I've had several phone calls from my highschool sweetheart lately) I care about this particular one. And I'm annoyed at myself for feeling dowdy, for feeling old, for feeling like the old hootchymama I'm turning into. You know, the ones that always have their boobs pushed up and their hair and nails did.
I dunno. I think I need to find a new "me". I'm suddenly not liking the current "me", which is weird, cuz just a few days ago I was feeling OK about life.
Maybe I'm just off-kilter cuz TF is here. I think he just upsets my aura. Maybe I'll feel better when he's gone and my Sun is home.
It's 3AM and I'm still up; there's still shit all over my bed, over the floor. I'm still wide awake. But I need to go to bed.... I need to go get my kid so I can breathe again...