Seriously. Are You listening? What am I doing wrong? What did I do to deserve a life of harassment from TF? Was it something I did in a previous life? I'm not being funny. I'm really asking You, for real.
I've been patient, Mr. O. I try to recognize and compensate for my pride, my narcissistic tendencies, my human failures. I try to be a decent person. I know I can be snotty. I know I curse an awful lot. I am impatient. I know I say I believe in You but I don't always do everything I should to live by Your rules. I know I cut corners. I made the decision to allow the Sun activities on the Sabbath... I know I go food shopping and sometimes I do the laundry, and I don't rest on Sabbath the way we did as kids. Sometimes I work into Friday night if I have a project, but You know I don't sit down to work on Sabbath. I never take jobs that would require me to work on Sabbath.
And you know that I put my kid before everything, most of the time. You blessed me with him, and it wasn't the best of circumstances but I try to work with what I have. I try not to take his love for granted, I am trying to have him grow up to be a good man. I bite my tounge most of the time when it comes to his dad... I think I've done OK because he's not afraid of him, he respects him, he looks forward to seeing him. That counts, right?
I try to follow the ten commandments in my every day. You know I follow the food laws, because I say that that's what I believe. I try to live my life as a virtuous woman.
I know I'm lazy; I have a problem with most humans telling me what to do. I try to compensate by telling people up front what my issues are so that they can at least be understanding. I try to find people who understand me and can tolerate me, to put them between me and the rest of the world.
I know I've done things in this life that break Your rules... but I know that You are a God of Mercy and You forgive because that's what it says in the Pentateuch. I have tried to atone for those things, to give back, to compensate. At least I think I have. The effort was genuine, don't You think so? It wasn't like I said "Well, this is just to appease Him, but I'm doing "me" anyway". I don't think I live like that, do I?
Right now I'm having trouble understanding why I have TF in my life. Why he continually harasses me... why the court allows it. Why they haven't figured out his game, why they haven't shut him down.
G_d, I've been really really patient and understanding. But I feel my "cool" slipping. Forgive me but I'm beginning to give myself reasons NOT to make him disappear. Seriously. This is America... anything can be bought. I'm not threatening, or anything. I'm just saying that before I wouldn't even allow thoughts like that, but now I'm finding them harder to keep out.
Please. Please make him stop. I'm asking You... and I don't think I ask for an awful lot. I try to work most of my stuff out on my own, because I hold myself responsible for most of it. I know I cause my own hurt. I'm human, and I know I'm not perfect. But it's getting very very hard, especially today, especially right now, to "rise above".
Please give me more patience. Please, on Friday, please God don't let me lose my temper. Please be there with me, please keep me calm. Please open their eyes to understand what he's doing. And if it's me... if it's me that's wrong please let me see where because right now I don't understand.