And Some Things I Don't Like...

like the fact that Nene is really young and sometimes just doesn't "get it". And I don't like being a TimePost, and I damn sure don't like StopNGo. And I swore, after watching a much-loved freind deal with the same type of bullshit, that I would never do it. But here I am. And I still haven't decided what the hell to do about it, particularly since my luck at finding MenMyAge WhoDon'tSuck is pretty bad. I suppose in context, Nene is a TimePost for me as well, though the difference is I could easily make it permanent. But whatever. I still think in the end it's gonna be me, the Cat (or A Cat) and a bottle of Corazon Anejo. And hopefully visits from my Sun and his Clan.

He's such a good kid. A while back, I had showed him a grainy, blurry picture of a ManMyAge who I thought might be promising. The Sun looked at him and said "He looks like my Dah" which made me stop and think. I suppose I should take it as a sign that the guy just disappeared after a few lengthy (on my part) emails. And because of the Sun's comment I didn't do a whole lot of pursuing. Truth be told Nene sort of stepped up his presence and what happens is when he does that I forget about looking. But anyway. Out of the blue tonight, on the way home from Karate, the Sun asked me what happened to the guy in the picture. What happened to the date. I said, well, it didn't pan out, I guess.
"Why not?"
"I Dunno," I said, "I guess I wasn't his type."

Later on at bedtime, after I'd kissed him goodnight and started walking out of his room, he said "Mom, I'm sure that if the man had gotten a good look at you, he would have taken you on the date."
"What?" I said, taken by surprise, and walking back into his room.
He blushed. "If he'd gotten to talk to you, I know he would have liked you. You're so beautiful".

Seriously, I guess I should be thankful of what I DO have. Who needs a man, when your kid says stuff like that? (But then I laugh to myself... it really IS in the chromosome, isn't it? That sweet-talk gene.)

The Sun is on Winter Break. He's doing exactly what he said he wanted to do; sleep late, play video games and hang out with the Moon. His idiotic father is barely talking to him. Why?

About 3 weeks ago, I was sitting in Karate waiting for the Sun to finish, and was checking mail on the Treo. I got an email from TF saying he wanted the Sun to come to Cali for the break, but he wasn't sure if he could get the whole week off. And wasn't sure he himself would come get the Sun; might have "a friend" bring him.

Aside from the fact that I bristled at the thought of "a friend" who I may not know, take my child clear across the country on a fucking airplane, all I said to the Sun was "Your father wants you to go to Cali over the break." The Sun shook his head "no", as he went in to change into street clothes. "You don't want to go?" I asked.
"No" he said.
"OK," I said shrugging.

I said nothing else about it, mainly because we were getting ready to leave/walking to the bus/getting home/etc. But I had many thoughts... how it may not be up to us. How I wasn't overly crazy about winter trips, how I KNEW TF would try to get him on my birthday, how I definitely wasn't crazy about someone else taking my kid to Cali. How I may have to tell the Sun he may have to really stick up for what he wanted, talk to the Law Guardian, etc.

As it turned out, TF called the Sun that night to say goodnight. I was taming The Beast for the night... we have to brush it and comb it and braid it at night, and have him sleep in a do-rag, cuz we'd never get out of the house for school if I had to fight with The Beast in the morning.

I heard the Sun say "Naaah" the way he does when he's sticking to his guns but trying to be nice about it, and "Stay home, sleep late, play video games, got to The Moon's". Uh-oh, I thought. This oughta be interesting. When he got off the phone I asked him was he talking to his dad about not going to Cali? He said yes. I told him, "I'm impressed. That was very brave. How did he take it?" "OK" he said. And couldn't be pushed for more.

That same night (though I didn't see it till the next day cuz God was looking out for me and had it to go the Junk Folder for some odd reason) I got The Email I knew would come:

When are you going to learn, STOP COACHING [THE SUN], I just got off the phone and you are doing his hair at 11:00pm. I have said since [The Sun] 3 years old that he should be in bed by 8:30pm and that's what he did when he stayed with me.Do I have to send you a book explaining what [The Sun]"s needs are as a child.As his mother you should know . As the SELFISH person you are, you put your personal issues ahead of [The Sun]'s needs. You have taught that him it's ok to lie, i have caught him in so many lies but what am i to do, i explain to him about his lies and not to do IT but that doesn't matter because you showed HOW to lie and to get your way AND THAT THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES You don't teach him how to train at the events that he is involved because he tells me 'HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME' but when i speak to him he tells me he's at [The Moon]'s house ALL DAY, like on January 15 (when he didn't go to school because the beginning of Sabbath but he went to karate )and the 21, the day of your Sabbath also. You cried religious reasons for me not to bring him back in the morning of the 21st( I returned him Sunday night),only to find out you sent him to [The Moon]'s house.also i found some e-mails from last year about my visitation with [The Sun] on Good Friday weekend and that you wanted [The Sun] that Friday night because of your Sabbath( Passover), that's what your lawyer wrote me. So when is it do you follow Passover in January or April ? Like mother teaching son. As for the week of Winter recess you AGAIN interfered with my visiting with [The Sun]. I told you of the situation and You again coached [The Sun] to say he doesn't want to visit me in California.That he want to go to [The Moon]'s, sleep in and hang out. An 8 year old !! What is wrong with you ???? Seriously i have to ask the court for you to get a psychologic exam! You don't want me to pick-up [The Sun] near your home( even when your sister is to drop him off or pick him up ), in a public place, but it's ok off [The Rock] BECAUSE ??????? You didn't want me near [The Sun]'s school?????????????You don't want for [The Sun] and i to play PlayStation online together ??????????????. and so much more !!!. I know you don't like me, I DON"T CARE BUT I AM A GOOD FATHER SO AGAIN "STOP COACHING HIM" !!!!!!

(Editor's Note: - Names have been changed to protect the innocent... but that's it. Everything else is all original.)

I saw it, didn't read it (till just now, actually--and laughed my ass off, especially at the request for a psychologic exam.... um, we already did that, dear... you're crazy and I have Narcissistic Tendencies) and just forwarded it off to Lawyer, particularly since TF felt righteous enough to cc the Law Guardian. I asked Lawyer... do I HAVE to comply with his trip, if he pushes the issue? I told her that The Sun already told his father he didn't want to go, and I swore I had nothing to do with it. Plus, we don't have a signed agreement. She wrote back that while it was true there was no signed agreement, I should probably go along with the visit to show that I'm cooperative and operating on Good Faith.

I trust her judgment and all.... but her stance pissed me off. I wrote back that I didn't even have a chance to take any position about the trip, even though I had objections, because TF had approached the Sun directly, and the kid told him--in his own words, what he wanted. I told her that if the court and the LG and all these other people who keep talking about "The Best Interest Of The Child" feels it's in the best interest of the child to send him across the country for a few days in the middle of winter when we're prone to bad weather, on a trip he doesn't want to go on because they think I coached him, I wasn't going to fight. Be my guest. Particularly when they had no problem believing him when he said he DID want to go. They'll have to answer to God, and to my kid, because I'm done. Beyond done. Feel free to set up a meeting with the LG, so she can convince the Kid herself that he had to go. I told her that the "newbies" on the scene are forgetting that there are/have been/still are some serious anger-management issues, and I'm having a hard time convincing the Sun he's going to be OK staying out there for his allotted TWO weeks in the summer. The Sun thinks a week is long enough.

Also, despite whatever objections I may have and may voice, once something becomes law or a "done deal", I have NEVER interfered with a visit. And I usually don't have too many objections, other than "tell me where you're staying, and give me two weeks heads up that you're coming."

But then I started thinking, and wrote her back to tell her that honestly, I think TF was just blowing smoke up everybody's ass, because he fucked up. And he knows he fucked up. Why?

He was so hellbent on fighting me for 1/21 that he forgot all about February. A smart man, a man who plans, would have said "Hmmm. I'm only coming up for two days. Maybe, hey, I KNOW!!! I'll come up in February, or make him come to Cali in February, and she'll HAVE to let him go because it's in the agreement! And then I'll have more time!" But TF is definitely not a man who plans. So... because he took the time in January, he didn't have the time or the money in February, and really, he was more pissed off at himself than he was at anyone else. But of course, all his life's ills are my fault.

So then the issue sort of died... there were no calls or appointments with the LG. I only got one other email from TF... an article on sleep deprivation in kids (and that's a whole other boring rant but the Sleep Issue goes WAY BACK) and no other emails from Lawyer. Though I'm quite sure that in May, when we go back to court, it'll come up to bite me in the ass.

For now, though, the Sun is doing exactly what he said he wanted to do. I make sure he calls his father every night. The other night I had to threaten him with no DS, and with the Senseis, in order to get him to call. I finally told him honestly and point blank that he needed to call his father because when he didn't call, he made it bad for me. I have enough shit going on without getting nasty emails from your father. He called. And TF has either not answered, or been on the phone less than 3 minutes.

Did you all zone out reading this? I'm sorry. I just needed to vent cuz it's been stewing for a minute.

That and the SERIOUS lack of funds, and various other recurring vents I'm tired of venting about. But the mood has been seriously black and the voices have not been kind.

Then, there's the Intermittent Visits, but despite the the stress of them, I have to say I enjoy the hell out of both The Diva and TinyOne though they are a serious energy drain. That TinyOne in particular.

I didn't drink on my birthday. But I will this weekend.



Ros said…
Lord that TF email sounded like something my ex could have written. Especially "psychologic" instead of "psychological". Snarky laugh.

I may be ending up alone too. At least we could be famous as our own neighborhood eccentrics. Don't you want to take advantage of the "crazy old lady" role?
Julie said…
Well, I've heard most of it before, but I was still captivated reading about it - so at least your dilemmas are entertaining. Seriously, though, sometimes I don't know how you do it. The stress of getting psychotic emails on a regular basis alone would turn me into a raving lunatic. And the fact that remain somewhat calm always amazes me. I would probably call and scream on him each and every time. But you calm serves you best. He just wants to stir you up - he wants your attention and doesn't really care how he gets it. Like some massive, toddler. And like a toddler he needs a time out - a very, very, very long time out. What's the rule for little ones? A minute for every year - right? I think TF needs a time out that's a year for every year.
professor said…
negative attention is better than no attention at long as you don't respond life will be ok...
He'll get over it. The RBB is always ready to go with the rubber bands. Never forget that you have us to help you deal with him. Elmo and I will help with the mood and pop him for 10 min or until Elmo gets bored and wants to put a puzzle together. Be strong. He's a strong boy because he has a very strong mom. Told you some time back that it might be time to formally convert so that he can say NOTHING in court.

PS. Happy birthday!!! from me, Naruto, and Elmo (and various toys which resemble their famous names)
Job said…
you know I didn't zone out. oy vey. It never ends. I want to know how your lawyer responds to your emails. two weeks in the summer? and he doesn't want two weeks? to whom can the Sun tell that? And will that person listen? are you still documenting? what a bunch of crap.
Nina said…
Okay, typical so far... the part that caught my eye is where the lawyer suggests you show that you're cooperative and operating in good faith. Yeah, cos that's made such a difference in all these past years.

You make a good point, about what the court, et al want vs what the child wants. The court ordered the psych testing, didn't they? They actually want to hear what the child wants--or is that only when it matches what they think should happen?

Really, I think you have some record of the anger management issues. He punishes his son often enough by withholding his attention (not returning calls, not talking long). Can't the court "get" him for causing his own alienation issues? There you go, the basis for your next argument. ;)
Blah Blah Blah said…
...I see I am going to have to read you when I get home... 'cause you just took a chunk out of my morning at

I wanted to comment...but maybe another post...'cause I want you to be my friend before you start throwing ninja stars at me for my comments :-) Not that they are bad...I just tend to speak my mind.

SO...what about this here snow it! :-)
professor said…
blahblah, we ALL speak our mind...the snow? HATE IT...and yes to read bearmaiden you have to sit at night with nothing but time and a drink to go through all the strands of spaghetti...happy reading...
Natalie said…

But it never changes, really, does it? I keep thinking he's not supposed to contact you, yes?

It would behoove him to take some meds and get a good grammar book, at least, though it might lessen the entertainment value for the rest of us.

I agree with Nina, esp. her first paragraph. What a flippin' mess TF is.

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