Things I Learn While Sewing #2

The FatLady posted the other day (and I'm reposting the quote cuz I was thinking about what she said while sewing this morning... and yes I had misunderstood. But...)

"You misunderstood me when I said you were stuck. I think you were stuck BEFORE the summer - not since then. "

No, I wasn't stuck then either, I realized... I was coming off of BattleMode. And what I realized was that no one in "Internet World" , or in the Sun's world has known me before BattleMode... before The War with SD.

And The War went on so long I think that people who did know me got used to me being this way, and only the ones that don't see me regularly are aware of the difference, unless I point it out. Cuz 10 years is a long-ass time.

I realized this, because in addition to mulling over the Fat Lady's thought, a friend posted a picture of me from a Halloween costume party from 10 0r 11 years ago. I've been looking at the picture because I was so... I dunno. Shiny. The flash was "hot" and I was a little tipsy... but I've been looking at the picture all weekend and then it suddenly hit me: I hadn't yet met SD/TF/BD/IFKALP. I met him probably the following year, and our relationship--the good part--lasted all of two weeks. After that it was an up and down whirlwind of a ride and I allowed myself to take the trip. Why? I really had nothing better to do at the time. I had no anchor. I still wasn't really in a career I enjoyed. I had just relocated from Jersey and a whole other life.

I got battered around by the storm that was SD for about two years, and right about the time I was ready to get out for good, I got knocked up.

Now for all the drama, that little baby was the best thing to ever to happen to the two of us, and I've no regrets. None at all... but I could have done without the fighting.

And when the War started in earnest I was determined to win, and my whole entire being was focused on that goal.

And now the war has ended... and I can go back to my shiny self.

But I would have preferred my life take another track.... and I should have started my "Ride or Die" mission a lot earlier in life, because I don't believe it "just happens". I think you already have to really know it's what you want, in order for it to find you. And I hadn't really thought about it until the Sun came along. And now I think it's just too late... whatever is out there now is still out there for a reason. It, like me, are damaged goods.

But it's alright. I can entertain myself a hundred thousand ways...


RoadGrl said…
but Heraclitus had the right idea - you can't cross the same river twice...
and you can't really go back to being "shiny" because the shiny one didn't have the emotional experience of being a mom, fighting for her child.

Hindsight is okay, because it gives us perspective, but too often we get caught in the 'what ifs'. Unfortunately, we have to deal with the 'what's here' because the WIs aren't good for anything in real life.
But I don't believe it's ever really too late for anything. It's much harder to try to go back, regroup and redirect, but not impossible. And I truly believe the only people who are really damaged goods are incapable of recognizing themselves as such... kind of a 'first step' situation, YKWIM?
You are more in a situation of a soldier returning home from war - you've been fighting for so long, you have to really focus to figure out how not to fight, and how to let yourself not be on guard. It's not easy...
nice one! thanks for sharing this

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