Saturday, October 4, 2008

Feel Like Crap

mostly due to a cold. The mental stuff is swirling, but I'm alright.

The Professor said the "I hate you's" are an age thing and will pass... and she's right. And I don't take it personal, I don't. It's just I'm tired and don't feel like fighting.

The Sun has been pretty OK since the other day; he gave me a hard time about going to karate but I reminded him of where he was in his punishment and he chilled out. I told him he could cut down his sentence with good community behavior; for every day that he's cooperative and helpful and doesn't have outbursts, I'll strike a day off the back-end. And yesterday didn't count. Today has been OK so far.

I took him to karate last night cuz it was Sparring Night. And we both needed to go... I had a feeling I wasn't going to be up to going today and I was right. And there was LittleSensei... I told him that the Sun had been giving me a hard time and he said he'd take care of it. In sparring he gave him a good couple of whacks and told the Sun he better not hear that he'd been mouthing off to me.

It made the Sun mad, getting whacked like that, but the result was that he actually fired himself up and did pretty well. He's got great kicks, and he's fast when he's focused. And it goes to show how lackadaisical he is most of the time.

Then it was my turn. I think LittleSensei takes a special pleasure in being able to whack at me, but whatever. He got me good a few times but I didnt' stop, didn't cry (I wanted to) and tried to get a few in. It's also good to know I can take a whack. Or a kick in the boob. Hurts though. But I lasted two minutes which was also good to know. And afterwards I looked up and saw that the rest of the adult students had come in to watch me, and cheer for me, and the kids were cheering for me, and LittleSensei even said I did well.

I might just be able to get into a ring one day...

Yesterday, before karate I spent the day being girly with the FatLady. We met and got our hair done. The other hairdresser, Yomari, did a great job on her. Yomari is a great hairdresser but her energy sets me on edge; Maria is much more soothing to me so I always go to her. But I send my freinds to Yomari. Maria re-did the purple in my hair. It's still dark but I like it, and I know from watching MoodMagicBarbie (who has gone pink) that it will settle and brighten in a few days. I like it. It's subtle. You really see it in daylight and it's a surprise, but it's not readily noticable.

After the hair, I stopped by the hospital to get my check and drop of the CD. In compiling the CD I realized how much work I actually did---I'd even done giveaways. The client wasn't there; was out sick. But I went and found the financial person, got her to open the door, got my check and left the CD.

Later, the client called... she'd hurt her back. She assured me again that this wasn't about me... it's really about her. She's probably in her early 60's and basically they're trying to force her out. I know they worked her like a dog planning the event; one night I spoke to her and she was in the office. It was midnight. My heart... the one that believes in love and hope, has understanding and sympathy for her, even though I know that what's going on with her is going to affect me in the end. And it sucks.

But I got my check.

And then I had to go to Target and get the Sun some more clothes for school, cuz I never did go school shopping for him. And the rest, the tiny bit there is, has to spread around some more and then I still have to borrow money from Poppy to cover at least a month's rent. Just so I don't get further in the hole. But student loans will be ignored a little while longer. And so will Amex.

It's sunny on the Rock today, the leaves on the tree outside my window are turning. There's so much in my life I need to face, but I don't feel like doing it. I don't have a choice, though.

Someone remarked to me it seemed I was getting my momentum back. I am. I always do. I have no choice but to go on. Nobody is going to love me but me; no one is going to comfort me but me; no one is going to pick me up and keep me going but me. I am not OK but I will be at some point. Hopefully someday soon.

2 comments:

Bonnie said...

It may be sunny, but doggone-it (in the words of Moose Barbie), it is COLD today.

Did I tell you that M started martial arts? He is taking Aikido up in Scarsdale. It works because it is right after Chinese school, which is also in Scarsdale. But he has to switch from counting in Chinese to counting in Japanese in a matter of minutes, lol.

The Bear Maiden said...

LOL. I'm glad you found a spot for him. The BrothersSensei are very gentle with little kids but I know that would be a hike for you.

The counting in Japanese amuses me, since I still can't do it...