I had an online chat with Fluffernutter the other night. We are very much alike in certain ways; we have all these things we like to do and are pretty good at them, but we get easily sidetracked and lost, and consequently feel like we're not achieving anything. We're also not good at casual hookups.
Backtrack... I got annoyed with men again and decided that I was resigned to a life of celibacy. I've done it before. It sucks; but I have amazing willpower when I need it, and I can shut shit down. All I have to do is think of the drama involved, and it usually works. I'm not happy about it, being celibate, I mean. Not fucking happy about it at all... but what can I do. I'm too old for the younger ones who at least have some potential, and no offense but I'm not into guys my age cuz if they're single it's for a reason. They're packing issues. And I know I'm packing issues and don't much feel like dealing with folk who have as many issues as I do. Plus... I'm only 25 in my head, and guys my age well... they're about 35 in their head but that's still too old.
So I was in the process of turning off all the burners and hadn't really spoken to any of my acquaintances in a while... I've given up even hoping for certain people, and other people I just stopped pursuing, and some people I have to run into but I can keep my mental distance once I've made up my mind to.
But then I got a phone call... from Nene who hasn't called me in a while, and really has no reason to. "Hey!" I said surprised. It was the middle of the day and I know he works. "What are you doing?" "Holding my cock."
Babymama must be withholding, the bitch. I tried to tell him she was gonna jerk him around if he let her back in. I busted out laughing. I always did like his nerve. Later on he asked me again if I was going to Sacramento with him. I told him I was seriously considering it... but I told him "No soup for you!" But he says he just wants company.
He doesn't travel much. He's been to Puerto Rico, but a few years ago when he flew to Buffalo for SuperGrands, it was only his second trip outside outside of NYC. Ever. And as I said, I have to take the Sun to Cali, so I'll be on the West Coast. But I really didn't want to spend Christmas there. I don't keep Christmas, per se... but Christmas is lonely if you don't celebrate it, and I'm really friggin tired of NOT celebrating it by myself. But I can't afford to be out there. I thought it might be interesting to get on a Greyhound and take a 6-8 hour ride up there from LA... but who wants to do that shit by themselves??? At Christmas? After I've turned over my child for two weeks? And then, despite what Nene says I had visions of him chasing me around the hotel room and I'm not dealing with him while Babymama's in the picture. It's just not worth the drama. She's crazy. And I really don't like going after other people's men.
Besides, well... I'm tired of being everybody's fucking ComfortDoll. The one people go to for the interim. I want my own shit. And... well, there's other reasons. Stupid ones, but whatever.
So there was that conversation. About the same day, I had occasion to run into certain other nameless people and while I didn't break down or anything it kinda sucks I still feel the same way. People were looking a little undernourished and uncared for, but I guess they're OK living that way so what can you do. But it made me remember stuff I'm better off forgetting. And there was mild flirtation the next day which simply doesn't help the situation so I have to remember to keep my timing right to avoid these things. Life is just better for me that way cuz I spend too much time resetting myself.
Within the 24-48 hours of the above, I also got a text from Fluffernutter. "Hey! Where you been?" and that he was just checking in. And about the following night or so, I got an IM from him. He again asked me what I'd been up to ("Trying not to be a stalker!" I wanted to say, but I didn't) and then he told me he'd just been working and trying to stay out of trouble. I told him I was looking for trouble, cuz I'm getting bored. He said, "well, it would be nice to get some lovin" and lamented again the fact he can't really do hook-ups. I told him I couldn't either, though life would be so much better for the both of us if we could. It seems to work so well for everyone else. I told him though, that he gave me hope that there are nice guys out there, since most of the ones I run into apparently are the "hit it and quit it type". I said not-for-nothing, but things work so much better the more you know someone, figure out how they work.
Then it occurred to to me... if he's like most guys he was just using the best pick-up line ever, but I want to believe him. Makes me feel better.
We started talking then, about all the possibilities that exist for us, the art we can do, how we can keep each other going, and he gave me some really nice compliments on my pow wow pictures. Which touched me deeply... the fact that he really looked at them, that he saw some of what I saw and that he could give me really useful ideas to pursue and to focus on. Talking to him about art is a little like talking to BigBear... he always looks at the huge, giant picture and says things like "We could turn into a whole line! Take it to clothing!" and other things which really make me smile. Then we suddenly realized we'd been IMing each other over an hour and it was now 2 in the morning. He had to go...
I wondered again how two people can be very much alike and compatible and just won't end up together. It's frustrating. But like I've said before... with him, I appreciate his insight and to try to pursue anything would totally gunk up what we DO have. And that sucks. Besides... there are other reasons but whatever. Some people you totally enjoy and other people make your heart skip a beat for no reason at all.
I think I'll always be alone cuz I can't seem to figure out how to get all that shit to work.
In the meantime, Crazy Nicaraguan Chick dumped the kid I watch grow up, the day after his surprise party. Well... she told him she couldn't just be "casual" and she said he didn't respond fast enough so she left and went to work. At first, I thought she was crazy... the guy is hot... all the old ladies out on the Rock have watched this guy grow up and share the same consensus. The only reason he's never been pursued by me (yeah, so what) is cuz I'm really good freinds with his dad. It just wouldn't be cool.
The next day though, she had major second thoughts and tried to backtrack, but the guy wasn't having it. She was devastated. The thing is... because I wasn't involved I could see both sides and sort of feel bad for the both of them, cuz I liked them together. I could see where what she did freaked him out... but I understand where she's coming from cuz like me, she's walking with major baggage. She's been through a lot of similar things, only at a much younger age than me, and she's very protective of her inner self. And I admired her ability to sidestep what she saw as the invertible crash-and-burn... but it didn't hurt any less. For the next few days I kept tabs on her, calling her, texting her, keeping her afloat and it made me remember to say a special shout-out to the FatLady who kept me afloat in August. It sucks feeling like that.
The end result of all this is that I'm back to feeling like it'll just be me and the kid. Life is just simpler that way... but I'm not happy about it at all... I realized during the past two weeks or so I had only been sleeping on one side of the bed, and so I throw myself into the middle so as to fill up the empty space.
* * * * * * * *In other news, I've been printing out photos from the various pow wows I've been too... getting ready for this show that BigBear asked me to be in with her. At first I wasn't confident that any of my pictures met my standards viewing at actual pixel size, but it turns out some of them are pretty damn good and I've been enjoying printing them at 13x19. And I've been mulling over some of the ideas Fluffernutter gave me.
It's just too bad I think I have to go back to work. And cuz nobody's answering any of my applications in my own field, I'm gonna have to take what I can find. I'm too in the hole. I need to take my 3 piddlyshit factory checks to Food Stamps and reopen my case, and that might buy me enough time to find something. It sucks... if I go back full time all the karate stops. And I won't be able to pursue a lot of the things I like to do. But SallieMae has taken to calling random muthaf*ckas out of the local phone book looking for me. They are worse than the mob... and there is nothing you can do but either pay what they want or watch the interest morph your loans into something you'll never pay off. And I got a letter from the landlord today that I refuse to open because I know it's a rent increase... and I just can't face that right now.
Which again leads me back to the fact that I have to stay alone, cuz I couldn't even bear to bring anyone into my mess. I wouldn't do it to them.
* * * * * * * *My sister is struggling with her daughters. Both of them have lost their mind. Personally I think it's cuz she gives them way too many chances. She draws lines in the sand, and when they cross it, rather than busting their ass she renegotiates the terms and so they are constantly taking ground from her cuz she says she doesn't have the time or energy to enforce things. But I'm a boy mom. And I learned from her mistake... I give my kid no quarter. No matter how much energy it takes. Taking away his DS for seven weeks--and sticking to it no matter how good he's been, has been the best thing I ever did. He has been able to earn "time off for good behaviour" and I've been faithfully marking off a day for every day he did what I asked--not what he's supposed to do, like homework and stuff--without drama. And on the days he had outbursts and stomping, I didn't take the day off. No matter if he "made good". He still lost the day. Yeah I know he's only nine and that's why it's working... but I wanted to put the fear in him before he's old enough not to have any fear, like my nieces. They have no fear of their mother at all. I told her she needs to stop talking and just do. Enforce her deadlines, stop feeling guilty, and rain down vengeance. Cuz the older one in particular... from where I sit, I think she thinks her mother is all talk. And the little one has learned from her sister. And before Sis gets all out of shape... "There but for the Grace of God, go I" so I'm not judging, merely making an opinionated observation. And you know what they say about opinions.
But I've been thanking God for my boy and not a girl, because boys are much more compartmentalized and don't try to look for obscure angles the way girls do. Girls are way too spaghetti-like in their thinking and it takes energy to think one step ahead. I'da lost my mind...
* * * * * * * *I really dislike Sarah Palin, I hate the mudslinging that's going on, I'm disturbed that as Obama inches ahead the Gollums are hissing and sneering and crawling out from under their rocks. I'm amazed... truly, deeply amazed that there is no sympathy for the poor, no tolerance for diversity, places like New York City are apparently not "pro-America", and people seem to think it's OK to call people Communist and go on witch hunts. And the minute you bring up the disparity between certain ethnic groups, you get called a race-baiter.
* * * * * * * *And much as I think Bloomberg's done a decent job as mayor of New York overall (though I don't agree with many of the things he's done in the school system here).... money will buy you anything, huh? Even a third term. I guess we should thank God George Bush wasn't as rich as him, or we'd all be fucked.