The Path Not Taken

I've been hanging around on Facebook, which I like better than MySpace. The anonymity on MySpace made for some weirdness... it's as if people feel compelled to show their freaky side cuz they know they can hide. Which is cool... but you see enough freaky pictures after awhile. At least I do.

I mean, I know we all have our degenerate side. I do, too. But I keep mine under wraps for the most part cuz if not it tends to bite you in the ass when you're not looking. Or, like Jekyll and Hyde, you let Mr. Hyde out too often he may decide he's not coming back in.

And that's alright, I guess... but then it only shows one side of a person. Personally, I get bored. I like seeing the whole picture--who they've become, their families, who knows them. And for my own self, I'd much rather show Miss Kondor to people I really trust. It's more fun to get into trouble with another person than to get in trouble by yourself.


The problem with Facebook is that because it's not anonymous, for the most part, all kinds of interesting people find you. Or you find them. (Then you kind of get an appreciation for MySpace cuz you realize.... "Oh wait a minute--maybe I don't want to be found...")

But so far, I've come across a lot of folks from my High School. It's interesting that a lot of them have done well. Kids I knew personally and laughed with or cut class with or threw food at or teased or was teased by them have become professors, doctors, singers, professional musicians, artists. Some are like me and have done a buncha nothing, which makes me feel better cuz it's a little intimidating to see pain-in-the-ass teasable L (who really could play the shit out of a piano) on tour with Vanessa Williams. Or know that another friend is know a renowned OB/GYN.

However, I got an email from someone yesterday, and it made me smile. I'm going to post part of it... cuz for one thing I've learned my lesson and I'm not really telling folks over there about here... if they stalk me I'm easy to find, but I'm not inviting those folk to read. And I'm not telling any man I'm interested in about this blog either, since well... I don't think it worked out so well for me the last time. It was too easy to chip their way into my heart cuz they knew too much about me. But anyway... here's part of the email:

"...By the way, I was a shy dude back then. I couldn't go near you without wetting myself you were too beautiful. I was just a poor kid in harlem who wouldn't have been able to take you out anywhere and ironically enough, we never had a class together. You'd get off on 125th near MLK and I would stare at you every time. You had teeth so white and perfect, I swear your smile would have pierced glass. The last reunioun, I was married and you gave me your card and I "lost it" somehow. I really think my ex hid it or lost it for me. We spoke for a while and I was so entranced with you. You were talking about how you thought the place you worked (the E channel I think) was racist and they would promote minorities. (Pretty good memory huh?) I hung on every word and I wanted to stay with you the entire night but I couldn't. I wanted to keep in touch, but I couldn't. I think about that day so much and now here I have the opportunity to keep in touch again!"

So that email made me smile, and blush a little... and wonder again at people's perceptions of me. Really, of how we perceive each other and how wrong those perceptions can be. I wrote him back that I was probably as poor, if not poorer than he was... and had he asked me to hang out or go somewhere his lack of funds wouldn't have made much of a difference to me. I was a really geeky kid who wasn't that popular though my friends were. And NOBODY from high school ever asked me out. Ever. For the most part that didn't bother me--and truthfully I didn't notice because for three years I went out with the same guy outside of high school.

But what would have happened if someone from school HAD asked me out? Would it have altered the course of my life? Would I have--instead of going with Capone until I was 20, then dated one guy who dumped me so I dated his freind for revenge/married him/found out he had issues/divorced him--gone out with someone from High School and maybe married them instead? Or be led to a different path of people? Who knows. I suppose I'm on the path I'm meant to be (though at the moment I think it pretty much sucks) and I rarely wonder "what if...." But, "what if?"

I laugh at myself too, cuz for the most part me and my narcissistic tendencies keep each other company, and I can rattle around in my own head for years not really noticing anything. And while I have a pretty big ego, at the same time the Voices (who have really quiet for the last few months but came screaming back with a vengeance the other day) do a pretty good job of keeping ego in check. So to think that someone was too shy to talk to me was a little startling. Cuz I wish he had...

He lives in Florida now and that's a ways away. But it was definitely sweet to get a little boost like that, cuz even though I'm still on the Ride or Die mission I'm fairly certain at this point that my destiny is already set and my life will pretty much continue on this way... just me and the kid.


Ros said…
I'm having the same acceptance of "just me and the kid". Maybe we have to live that fully before anything changes. And if it doesn't change -- well, things could be better, things could be worse, right?

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