...still feeling Some Kinda Way but not as bad today.
Interesting brew of feelings blowing around inside. More about disappointments, about not being chosen, about wanting to believe in the fabulous rather than the ordinary, in wanting to believe in big dreams. In wanting an extraordinary experience rather than the mundane. My whole life has been one extraordinary experience... and I suppose I'm more discontent at being somehow ordinary... an ordinary mom in an ordinary life. And I don't know how that works.
Yesterday, as hot as it was we went up to the dojo. I expected that they would take it reasonably easy on the kids because of the no-air conditioning, but LittleSensei was teaching--and not working out himself, I might add--so no such luck. And he can be not as observant as his older more sensible brother, who at one point pulled him aside and told him to take it easy. I worked out with the kids, and it was broiling hot. I must have lost 5 lbs easy, just in sweat. I knew my body and could handle most of it... when LittleSensei ordered bunnyhops after like a 5 minute run around the dojo I quietly refused by going to pretend I needed my asthma pump. Cuz that was just ridiculous. But the rest of it was OK... and I was actually surprised at my own resilience. I'm in better shape than I think. Stronger than I thought. If I could shake the gut I'd be happy... but I know the gut is more from lack of sleep than anything else.
My goal is to be able to hang with the adult class in the other dojo... when I feel I can handle that class I think I'll switch. It's not that the kids have an easier workout cuz I don't think they really do... at least because LittleSensei runs a hard work out. But kids flail around a lot and take a lot of breaks when the Senseis aren't looking. Kids are funny. They know when to stop. So I know I'm working just as hard as they are (proportionately) because I don't flail around, pay attention to the proper form of what I'm doing and thanks to years of vocal training (and severe asthma) I know how to breathe. At one point my lungs felt like they were on fire but it's odd to feel your body kick on autopilot. It will do the right thing if you let it, if you trust it.
Afterwards though I could feel my brain pounding from the heat and had to go dunk my entire head in a sink of freezing cold water. Then I had to sit a minute to let the legs stop feeling like jelly. But it was good...
I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can endure... and that's a lot. I know I can't be broken--many have tried and many have failed. The only one who can break me is me, I only fail when I allow myself to.
I still can't figure out though, what the fuck my life is intended for... I need a sign, Lord.