Monday, June 9, 2008

Feelin' Some Kinda Way

The Professor's little freind had this saying about "feelin' some kinda way" when he was upset about something. Streetfolk can't show weakness or fear or sadness, and so it was quite an appropriate way, I thought, of saying you felt something without coming right out and having to identify it.

So I guess that's what I can say I'm feeling at this moment. Which is kinda funny... since I was basically OK this weekend. But I woke up this morning feeling decidedly Some Kinda Way. Though maybe it's just PMS. Which I don't offer suffer from, thank the Lord (and never did) but I do today.

Yeah, that's it.

Or it could have been the dream.

But whatever.

And it's hot, and I'm scared shitless of my financial situation as this is my last week of unemployment, and my BigClient, though pretty steady, takes a while to pay, and life is about to/HAS to change and I don't do change well.

And I'm fucking tired. Yeah, I know, sleep would help. But the problem with sleep is dreams. I think--yeah, I guess I knew all along--that the reason I don't sleep is because of the dreams. Not bad dreams... I rarely if ever have nightmares. But my dreams are usually vivid, and in color, and I always feel them. And if they're particularly vivid I'll feel them for days. So life is much better when I make myself so tired that I just black out and don't dream.

So I slept about an hour Friday night, and was mostly uncomfortable Saturday but I functioned in the heat and the long tournament which I'll get to in a sec, and I thought I'd pass out Saturday night but I didn't really. And yesterday we were going to go to a pow wow but it was too damn hot and that particular pow wow is at Floyd Bennett Field in Brooklyn on a former airstrip so there is NO SHADE. But I'm sorry we couldn't make the pow wow cuz they always refresh my soul. But I hung out with the family yesterday and I'll get to that later, too.

So I stayed up for a while last night and got in the bed cuz I was finally really tired. And I had a dream anyway. Shit.

And then on top of everything the project in question could be taking off... and it's breaking my heart cuz I just want out, now. I just want to disappear...

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