Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Lambs Have Been Screaming

...really badly, can you tell?

It started Thursday when I couldn't sleep at all. I think maybe a half hour. And it's been a downward slide since then.

It didn't help that I read this book The Fallen, by Thomas E. Sniegoski. The Sun had brought home a very old "Advanced Reviewer Copy" from school somehow... he'd said it looked cool. But he thought it might be a little much for him. So I started to read it, decided it was a little much for him at his age, and became completely captured. LilacBlue later told me it was a series on ABC Family, but I rarely actually sit and watch TV so I'd had no idea.

The problem is... I'm not a Christian and don't subscribe at all to the notion of a Christian heaven or hell... but I do believe in angels and the Cherubim. And in The Fallen, the concept of Hell spooked me. Dunno why, exactly. Probably because I often churn in the hell of my own making, holding on to it tightly, trying not to inflict it on others. And every so often it leaks out anyway.

It's been a long week for me. And I have been holding on tightly to my own hell... the financial situation is now beyond dire, the emotional life is conflicting and confusing as hell and above all, I'm fucking tired. My soul is tired. I wish that I could lean on someone, truly lean on them without fear of them moving out from under me, and there is family... this is true. But family can only hold you up so long before you leaning on them drags the entire family down, and friends are busy walking with their own shit and will hold you up for even less time, though they try. And I, not wanting to inflict my hell on anyone, sometimes feel as though my grip is slipping.

And yet, I have no choice. Because at the center of it all is the Sun...

It seems he's grown another 3 inches this past week; and a very faint peach fuzz has appeared on his upper lip. I'd been noticing it, particularly when he's sweaty, but it was noticed tonight by a family friend. It kinda freaked me out... because he's beginning to enter another world soon that I won't be as big a part of anymore.

Which is OK... because I always knew it was my job to get him this far but that at some point I'd have to release him. And while the complete release is a ways off... his impending trip to California is a big deal. He'll be gone for two weeks... longer than either of us has ever been separated from each other. Oddly enough, I'm not too stressed about the trip itself, it's just I know it's coming.

TF and I have actually had several conversations... some via text messaging and some via the actual phone. They still stress me. I'm still waiting for it to explode. (And I don't want to hear about relaxing into it... all I have to say is "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" and that ought to explain it.) But in a way, talking to TF again makes me feel a lot better about the Sun being out there. But he still drains me. The other night he wanted to know about the Sun's eczema. Tonight (cuz now it's Saturday) the Sun will be spending the night with BigBrotherSensei because the dojo kids are going to a barbecue at the SelfDefense Sensei's house, and TF wanted to know why it was I felt comfortable letting him go there.

And I do... partially cuz it's still NY State, but partially because both sensei's are really good dads to their own kids, and BigBrotherSensei in particular. And partially, cuz, uh, I want to go out on a Date and it's damn convenient. But of course I didn't tell TF that.

As for the Date... while I've been snappish about the whole thing because for whatever reason everyone has had "jokes", it doesn't help that on top of that I have my own issues of trust and "all-or-nothing" and it was just too much. I was ready to throw in the towel and retreat, like a kittycat under the sofa or on top of the kitchen cabinet, and let it pass me by. But I haven't just yet...

Aside from my Hell leaking out, there were good things that happened this week and one was that the Sun and a selection of kids from Opus "opened" for the NY Philharmonic Summer Stage concert in Central Park on Tuesday. My kid was completely nonplussed. I'd taken a picture on my cell of the crowd,
to send to the Sun's dad. He asked me via text "was he nervous?" Nope, not at all... in fact two of the receptionist/coordinators asked me "How did you get it so that he's always so calm and collected?" I told them both, as I've often answered, that I've no idea. I've nothing to do with it... he has always been a calm kid. They didn't believe me but I said to them what I always say, that I am merely the keeper of his flame. It's my job to protect it until it's strong enough to withstand the winds of the world... but it's his own flame, not mine.

The kids, all of them, played beautifully. Roberta was so proud and positively glowed which is a big deal coming from her.

Another good thing that happened was the Last Day of School... the Sun is out for summer. On Wednesday, the kids spent the afternoon in the park with their class:
and here is the Sun sitting on his teacher's lap. I often wonder if she really understands the depth of the crush he and his buddy had on her... all the little boys in fact. The Sun's best school friend (The Comet) told her that she was his woman. She laughed... but I know he was serious. My little boy was with this teacher for two years... 2nd and 3rd, and next year in fourth he'll move on to 4th grade. FOURTH grade... I'm amazed. How corny it is to wonder where the time went... but man, where did the time go????

I had a great workout the other day; combinations scare me cuz it's a lot to remember... but I did OK and I hit pretty hard and LittleSensei (who was holding the focus pads for me) was impressed, I think.

Another nice thing was that the Bronx Borough President's office puts on a fireworks display over Orchard Beach every year, and due to an inside connection to that office through Shoefly, we get wristbands to go sit on the plaza and eat free food (and drink free beer) and have a nice view of the beach and the fireworks.
The Professor came, as did MoodMagicBarbie (who has decided she enjoys playing guitar and bought two books of music--Greenday and The Beatles--today so she can learn some songs) and TinyOne, who was completely overwhelmed and had several meltdowns. The Professor had braided his hair, and two of them stuck up like antennae:
which amused the hell out of us.

But... I'm struggling. It helps to write but sometimes I get tired of writing the same complaints over and over. And then there is the odd sensation that while it's cathartic to put my issues out into the universe, (and yeah I'm a bit of an exhibitionist in that respect) it's also odd when your worlds collide, as mine are currently doing. More like crashburning into each other, but eh... whatever.

It'll be alright in the end. Either that or I'll succumb to the lure of medication...

3 comments:

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

u have to let him go
one day
u decide
and
no meds

BigBear said...

OK, U can never drag down yr family becuz I'm BigBear and I know how strong U are my Cub. Bears and Dragonflys are hard to hit and kill, so we'll lumber in eating berries and protecting our cubs especially that little dragonfly with the quivering antennae Had a really nice atime with you yesterday, loved giving up the $ so MMB could get her guitar books and find the " smorgaesbord"

Fat Lady said...

Yeah, I'm afraid you don't lean on anyone as much as you could. Really. Your friends and family can take a whole lot more than you give us credit for.

But I understand. I hate asking anyone for anything ever. So I spend a whole lot of time thinking I have to do everything on my own. I'm trying to get over that.

And you know me. I'm all for smacking those stupid lambs upside the head and telling them to shut up!