I Knew It Was Going To Happen

...and I knew it would suck for me whenever it did, and I was right on both counts.

Nene told me today he caved, he was going to try again with babymama. Not only that, but the bitch is moving in with him come the fall.

Yeah, go ahead, comment that he's too young, and yeah, I knew it was coming, and oh, good you can move on and find someone else and yeah, nothing was happening anyway but it still really sucks, I'm not happy, I don't care what anyone says because it's not going to ease the hurt and I'm not going to listen or discuss any comments.

The irony of it happening today is pretty, well, fucking ironic, since I had just commented over on the Professor's post about exs/babydaddies. I know there's always a tie. I've also come to the conclusion that there are people programmed to "work it out" because that's what they've grown up seeing, and I recognized early on that Nene was the type. It's one of the things that drew me to him. I also recognized early that babymama was the type to prey on that.

He's dumb, too. And naive, and hopeful... all those things I was so long ago. I know that in the scheme of things his separation from babymama isn't that long... I mean shit. Look how long it took me to give up. Look how long it took the Professor to give up. And I've seen other people go through it... years and years and years and in the end it still doesn't work and people still separate. Sometimes, true, they don't... but in this case I don't think it will work for long. I don't think it will because in order for a relationship to work through a difficulty, both people in the relationship resolve to do the work on themselves... You can't change for someone. You can't change someone. You can only change yourself, and you can only change yourself because you see the need. You realize something isn't working, and you work to correct it.

And I don't know the chick that well, but in the last two years that I've been observing, I haven't seen her change herself, grow, advance. And I've seen him do that. She put him out, largely because she says he wasn't contributing to the household. And he was, but not what she expected. He had a dream, and while he wasn't bringing in a lot of cash at the time, he was actively pursuing and building his dream. It's why we started talking, because I recognized in him the desire to be his own person. So she put him out, and I felt for him because it was really rough... but slowly he has recovered, slowly brought himself back, and as for her... rather than do the same and support her two kids (only one is his) she ran back to her mama's house.

So now things are looking up for him... and she's willing to move in with him--on his terms he said. I told him right there it's not going to work, because if you're setting up "rules" and "terms" then it's more about Power and Control, and not about two people truly working on something.

And what do I care, really. What should I care. I've been telling myself over and over it wouldn't work, give it up and I didn't give in no matter how badly I wanted to because I knew it was coming, but it doesn't change how I feel.

We have a project we've been trying pull off, he and I. I saw him today and before we even got to the big announcement, I'd jumped on him because I could feel him giving up, sinking back into his comfort zone and I jumped on him with two feet telling him that sometimes you have to go out on a limb for something you believe in. That anything is possible, but sometimes it's scary as hell... sometimes you do put all your eggs in one basket, and walk carefully so you don't drop that one basket. Sometimes people tell you to take the safe road, be responsible, be careful, and sometimes you just can't be. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, hold your nose and jump, with only God and faith as your parachute.

But then again... maybe that's my family curse. And not his.

I told him I was disappointed. I told him I thought he deserved better. I told him I didn't think it was going to work. I told him I bet him $100. He blinked... then he asked me if I'd be around to pay up and I said probably, unless I get disgusted and disappear. He said I couldn't just leave, I was the one to stand by him. Which is just pretty fucking ironic... and a clear case of somebody wanting to have their cake and eat it too.

He got mad cuz I was mad; I guess he expected me to fight a fight but I merely shut down. I'm good at that anyway. I'll cry later, when I'm not writing, when nobody's looking, when it's dark and nobody sees, and then I'll go on like I always do. Cuz I knew it would never work... way too many differences, way too many obstacles. And holding out against the odds never works anyway. There's no such thing as fairy tales.


Ros said…
Yeah, there's no such thing as fairy tales, but it still fucking sucks every time we slam up against that knowledge. Been thinking of you lately as my own gates slam down. Nothing I can say except I know where you are.
Fat Lady said…
First, just big hugs. I know you're hurting and I know nothing I write here, or say to you later will make it better. Unfortunately, you just have to go through it until your not in it.

I hope this doesn't come across as kicking you while you're down, but I think you could take your own advice.

I think you were afraid of what could go wrong if you let yourself really be in it with him, so you didn't let go the way you could have. Because he wouldn't say he was willing to be in it the way you wanted him to, you pulled yourself out. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if you had continued to allow yourself to be fully there.

And I wonder what he would do if you started to fight for him rather than shutting down. It almost sounds like that's what he's challenging you to do - like that's what he really wants from you.

But, I understand, why you don't want to go there. So I will just keep healing thoughts coming your way and hope that it takes you less time to get over it than it took you to get in it.
professor said…
you know fatlady you took the word out my mind...I told you before bearmaiden to just give yourself...you'd hurt if you gave all as your hurting now, having given little...I say either 1. fight like hell, what do you have to lose or 2. with the next one fight like hell...
but hugs and kisses anyway (we can do that cyberly, cause in real life ew...

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